Bboy Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 I hope you feel this one. It's real personal to me...it has a song to go with it that really adds to its meaning and feeling, but unfortunately, I don't have that available for you guys. The song itself was very hip-hopish, in a very smooth, very mellow sort of way. The vibe is incredible though, and when I got to perform this, the crowd was really into it. Enjoy. -Memories of Green The things that were The compositions of real life The soft rolling of clouds across the backs of my eyes That contrast of white and blue, no questions asked The feeling of dampened earth beneath my feet A sinking feeling, enjoyed, so much The drops of water that swam down my back That felt like they'd travel for en eternity All as the summer sun embraced me like a trusted friend. The things that made my life before ideas, The things that made me smile without thought, Those things that healed my thirst for something more, WITHOUT complication- The simple days, of being. A breath of fresh, undying air My lungs burning as they expand within me My coat rubbing against my sleeves as I explore my backyard A soft, yet unyielding feeling of security Leaves crunching under my feet A symphony of the life surrounding me Snow dancing its way into my open mind Filling it with things beyond words- All as the wind snakes about my body, under my coat, the raw air continuing a timeless conversation with my flesh. The wordless paradise of youth, An understanding beyond logical comprehension Where are we going, Now that we have our words, Our understandings, Our “educated” beliefs? Where will the clouds go, The wind, The sky, The sun, Those memories of green that nourish the heart? The vibrating horizon beyond the houses It flutters like the strong wing of a bird Moving up and down as I fly on a leather swing, I soar as one with the horizon as I ascend With a fresh, appreciative mind, Surprise breathlessly runs through my heart, As I descend back down, To strong, loving hands, That push me as I rise and fall It was so perfect it could’ve been on TV Over and over again, I reached the pinnacle of true entertainment. My old girlfriend played with my hair She found me on the street, In a pair of skates I found her as she usually was Kissing my face as I shamelessly blazed About the streets, Racing against sundown to see who would tire out first Her and I shared one last laugh, As I awkwardly shuffled into my house… I promise the wind, my love, that I’ll play with her another day, And that I’ll never forget her But things became different I became so tired The sun turned a somber orange from beyond the trees And I fear that I’ll never see it again I moved away from my girl, the wind, And even though she followed me, I never take the time to ever notice her The shoes bridle my feet now, My feet never longing for Earth The coat no longer scratches my arms, Because I'm slowly falling asleep as I walk to school From time to time, I’ll go for a swing, But my feet scrape the ground My skates rust in the corner, They probably long for the asphalt more than I could ever know Even as water travels down my brow, And stings my eyes with nostalgia, I'm much too tired Much too tired When will I wake up to the Memories of Green? To that place where words never exist Where happiness had no name except- The clouds- The wind- The sky- The sun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 19, 2005 Report Share Posted April 19, 2005 (edited) Welcome to pen, Bboy... I'm revery... Aye, I haven't seen your like in while... A poet with a strong of love of vividly capturing the emotions and reactions of the moment: drawing from that greatest of filters...a scene out of life's memory, and early childhood memory to boot... Way, before things got all complicated, huh? I take away from this something along the lines: Age brings on dulling of simple sensations... like your skin finally got used to coat the sleeve... cool. Though, it's a lot to take in all at once... Let's see lvl 4 feed back... Give sec... thinking Think you'll need Cyril or Quincunx for this one...but I'll take a stab at it... Oh, btw, these are only suggestions... Okay simple stuff first: 1st Stanza, 8th line: That felt like they'd travel for en eternity Unless your going for a dialect thing, revise to "an" 6th Stanza first line: My old girlfriend played with my hair Hmm, well, I don't think you need "girlfriend" here... You could get the same effect, just simply saying: The Wind played with my hair Then by removing: the wind from the 10th line, still sixth stanza: I promise the wind, my love, that I’ll play with her another day, It's one of those, 'less is more' kind of things... You don't always need to spell out the metaphore so completely... I.E., leaving the reader a tiny bit of guess work here and there, allows an opportunity for them to gain that reflective "oh" feeling... when, they figure it out... if that makes any sense? 7th stanza, fifth line: at this point, the metaphore has already been loosely defined, so the leaving "my girl, the wind" could serve to finalize it... but then again, you could alter it just the same, by taking out "the wind" In this case, i believe either would work... That's all I got for now... I'll try to come back to it later if you want more... best of luck, rev... Edited April 19, 2005 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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