Psimon Posted April 12, 2005 Report Share Posted April 12, 2005 Torn ******* Fear is not, nor ever will be in it though this surely feels that way. Weeping, broken and forlorn, tears in the fabric creeping slowly down just like his hands. Another cup of tea, dear, and rot his eyes inside his head, forevermore in mine. He surely rates revenge, though I am at my end without the wit to reason why I bore his son. Yawn now and go to sleep to wake no more. Reborn. © Psimon (5 Apr 2005) A small sample of my course work The criteria for this piece: Write a poem from a single word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Psimon Posted April 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2005 Sorry, should have specified that anything up to and including C&C level 5 would be fine for this one Regards Psimon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted April 14, 2005 Report Share Posted April 14, 2005 I intend to comment on this poem over the weekend, Psimon. If I forget, send me a disgruntled PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 (edited) The first three lines don't really do a whole lot for me, as it seems an unwieldy way of beginning. Particularly the "nor ever/will be in it" made me scratch my head. It would probably make more sense if you refer to the past as opposed to the future. I like the way you "creep down" with your next four lines, it works well to deliver us to the "act." For the "rot" stanza I think you'd be better off if you broke it into two separate sentences, such as: Another cup of tea, dear. Rot his eyes inside his head, and forevermore in mine. Finally, I think you finish strongly. The last line is excellent. Edited April 18, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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