Homeward Bound

[Wyvern]

By request, here's a commentary thread for Katzaniel and Kasmandre's collaborative effort "Homeward Bound," a Carnival Quest story located in the Underground section of the Alliance of Vagabonds and Vanguards guild forum.

 

I like what's been written of the story so far, and think that you two have begun to establish an interesting plot that constantly moves the action forward. I particularly liked Kasmandre's incorporation of guns in the first post, as well as the manner that Katzaniel ended her last post with the unexpected death. That turn of events definitely shocked me at first, but then I remembered the notion that cat's have nine lives (which will take effect, I hope?) I'm definitely looking forward to reading Kasmandre's reaction to Katzaniel's death, as I'm certain it'll be quite dramatic.

 

In terms of potential improvements: it's difficult to say this early in the piece, but I'd personally prefer more showing and less telling in the intentions and dilemma that Ra'laerin faces.

 

Nice work guys, I look forward to the continuation.

[Katzaniel]

Thank you very much, Wyvie, I'd been feeling like no one was reading it.

 

Regarding your comment on the "unexpected death", I'm not telling yet, although some may have predicted the outcome.

 

Regarding the potential improvements, that is a very interesting comment to me, because I had been trying very hard to do precisely that! I think I can understand the difference between what you recommend and what I did/tried to do, though: I wanted to show, via the course of his thoughts, how he was arrogant and power-hungry, cunning yet abusing. How he understands power but misplaces it in certain ways. And I believe I did that, without ever having to directly say anything of the sort. But you would suggest that instead of showing his thoughts, I show his actions? Without falling back on the "we've only ten posts!" excuse, I would still like to defend my choice - and, of course, to hear whether or not I've convinced you.

 

Ra'laerin is a very complex character, as I attempt to let all my characters be. Much of what there is to know about him lies beneath the surface. If one were to watch the man throughout his entire lifetime of actions, one might gather his arrogance, his cunning, everything I mentioned above. But you wouldn't get the same feel for it, the same understanding of his choices, and especially the taste that this vampire is not evil, he simply wants more than he deserves. How could I show why he sits as he does on the throne, when no one is going to notice it but he? How could I show his contempt of Fer-tas, when Ra'laerin is not about to confide in anyone, and is not going to have a chance to see him again for some posts yet, if at all? How do I go about showing that he doesn't want to demote one of his guard, that he sees it as folly but unavoidable, when he would never admit as much to anybody?

 

That is all. Please, please let me know if I've misinterpreted your comment, and, if not, if and how you think I can go about improving it.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply!

[Wyvern]

Katz,

 

To answer your questions and concerns, I think it's certainly possible to relay Ra'laerin's character through his thoughts. I guess that my current problem with the post is that I find a number of his thoughts overexplained. For example: the sentence "He cannot afford to let the other vampire live and plot" seems like a narrator's explanation of Ra'laerin's intentions rather than what he's actually thinking. Perhaps if you rephrased it in a manner that drew the reader more into his thoughts it would work better, like maybe "[insert vampire's name here] remained a nuisance. His death was still a priority." just as a potential example. The phrase "The report is the most boring part of his day" is another example of this, as I can't see Ra'laerin thinking or feeling "Well, this is the most boring part of my day." If you showed the reader how it was boring to him through his thoughts or feelings, it might be relayed better.

 

There are also points in the post where I feel like things are explained where they could be implied to the reader. For example, when it's noted "The newly-crowned Treme prince surveys his Throne Room as he lets the words sink in.", I feel like the segment "as he lets the words sink in" is already implied through his silence. Similarly, when it's noted that "Ra'laerin moves now to leave," I feel that noting his intentions is unnecessary, as it's implied that he's leaving when he moves to the door.

 

Another new concern that arises for me is that in reading the post, I very much got the sense that Ra'laerin was more or less selfish and evil. He takes satisfaction in watching his men struggle and scramble up, he considers emotional approaches matters of politics, and his only concern for his support group is connected to his need of them for killing his enemy. He seems like a very cold and calculating individual. The only hint of goodness I got from him was in his thoughts on Gorant, and even those were connected to his own pride. You may want to have him express some worry for his troops or some symathy if you want him not to come off as a bad guy.

 

Anyway, I hope this explanation helps. :-) Like I said, it's sort of difficult to determine this early in the story, and I hesitated in writing anything else as I wanted to see the story develope more first. Apologies for the extremely late reply.

[Katzaniel]

Thank you thank you thank you! That answers my questions, indeed. I know you were hesitant to spend time "commenting on comments" as you told me in IRC, but this really makes your previous comment more useful to me. I really appreciate both efforts, Wyv. I'll probably take another look at this particular post soon, and I will certainly keep the thoughts in mind for other stories.

[Katzaniel]

I would like to note that Kasmandre has given me permission to finish this story on my own. Not understanding Sardin well enough to thoroughly explain his motives, I have opted to leave out his point of view - though the character has by no means been dropped, and the story has not changed from its original plan, only the method of telling it has.

 

I should also like to note that the story has moved to the Assembly Room for a time because it's vitally important in Katzaniel's own story, and I want everyone to have a chance to read it; but it will eventually go back into its proper home in the guild.

[Katzaniel]

I should probably stop using these Critic's Corner threads as a sort of OOC for my stories, but they're so convenient Besides, I have to mention that I made a major edit to my last post just now. I realized that without Sardin's POV, it rather abruptly moved from mid-fight to nothing moving in the alley... so everything before the "--------" has been added to fix that, and explain certain other things that would not otherwise be explained until later, and there's really no good reason to delay an explanation. (Also, I fixed up my tenses - blah - but that's not a major change.)

[Katzaniel]

Our original plan had 10 posts to this story. With luck, at the rate I'm going, it'll be finished 4 years from now!

 

Also, I thought I had already started this post somewhere, but I remember hating it, so it's probably best that I didn't post it as it was. This one, though not great, is much much better than the version that exists somewhere on one of my computers. I do think this will go faster now that I've gotten past the concern of whether to go back and fix the bad writing, or go ahead and finish the story. In a way, since the bad post seems to have been lost, I did both. Cheers to that.