Wyvern

[Wyvern]

Brief Description

 

Commonly labeled with affectionate nicknames such as "overgrown gecko," "reptilian Elder," and "that scheming scumbag son of a salamander," Wyvern stands at 6' in height and usually measures at around 7 in lie detector exams. He is one handsome hunk of a lizard, particularly if crimson scales, forked tongues, groping claws, razor-sharp teeth, pointy horns, swinging tails, and lethal explosive sneezes turn you on. Many of Wyverns physical traits are directly related to his highly exploitable brethren, the wyvern. He's got the wings, he's got the claws, he's got the snout, he's got the tail, he's even got that neat little scorpion stinger thingy at the end of the tail! Of course, it's only fair to note that his wings don't fly, his claws don't scratch, his stinger doesn't poison and nothing polite ever seems to come out of that mouth at the end of his snout. In addition, unlike other wyverns, Wyverns arms and claws are not directly attached to his wings... he grew out of that trait when he found how inconvenient it was when it came to swindling stolen goods. He also cannot breath fire, but when he sneezes his pent up flames exit in great abundance. Beware the season of the flu.

 

In terms of his common attire, Wyvern follows a very strict dress code in order to keep up with current fashions: "If it's in the closet and it won't screw up business endeavors too badly, toss it on!" This often results in the lizard sporting Hawaiin T-shirts, booze-stained breaches, tasteless tunics, and the occasional cloak/overcoat combo. It should be noted that this dress code can be overriden by Wyvern dress code 1.5: "If it's in someone elses closet and it won't go too unnoticed, toss it on!" Billboards with Almost Dragonic advertisements on them are also fair game for the lizard, and he'll throw on just about anything for the appropriate amount of geld. Wyvern has become a favorite amongst magazines such as Mad Magazine, Reptiles, and Phantasmagoria for his keen sense of fashion.

 

Wyvern labels himself "almost a dragon," though "almost a wyvern" is probably a more accurate description when all's said and done.

[Wyvern]

History

 

Wyvern was hatched a very long time ago next to a large, unnamed volcano amidst molten gravel, tar pits, and spewing magma. Everything pretty much went downhill for the overgrown lizard from there. It is rumored that Wyvern maintained a strong focus on studies in get-rich-quick schemes in his youth, which might provide an explanation for his being unable to fly or breath fire, but there's nothing that can confirm this as a fact. The scheming lizard eventually set off from his motherland when he found that there were only so many ways to advertise large rocks and ash, and his drive for fast cash brought him to a land who's name has now become forgotten in the recesses of time. This land provided him with a bubbling cesspool of gullibility in the form of Archmagi, a species of dweeb that could spend up to two thousand geld on a pile of dust if you claimed it was litch ashes. It also sparked a relatively brief relationship with an archmage floozy, landed him a position as a succubi's pet, and won him the Decanter of Endless Booze from the legendary booze prophet, Brute. Wyvern was also labeled a Patron Saint of Parties after blackmailing the Saint judging pannel in the hopes of recieving geld donations for his new title, but was instead dragged by his aquaintances to the Mighty Pen, where he was labeled the Elder of Initiates and was tossed into a small office space with a monstrous almost secretary. The lizard works long hours there for tiny, insignificant wages to this day. For more information on Ozymandias the Elder and the distribution of Pen wages, call 1-900-FREEWYVIE.

 

Little is known about Wyverns relatives or parents, though when they're mentioned or brought up in conversations he tends to act nervous, fearful, and a little ashamed. There was once an instant where he recieved a letter from one of his uncles, also named Wyvern, which mentioned that he'd be coming to visit the Pen and drove the lizard into a panicked frenzy. The uncle never showed up, however, and Wyverns family remains clouded in a dark fog of mystery.

[Wyvern]

Items

• The Devil's Advocate

  (Written by Kasmandre)

   

   

  This item, highly sought after among assassins, forgers, and disguise artists, appears to be a small leather-bound folder of the type used for carrying important documents. The leather has a slightly reddish tint that is disconcerting to anyone who inspects it for too long. Any documents that are put inside have the annoying habit of becoming lost.

   

  The actual use of an item comes into play when it's owner has need of a false identity, or needs to impersonate a real person and whispers to it:

   

  "Advocates,

  They're hard to get.

  Associates,

  Food on my plates,

  I'm in a state

  And need someone to take my side.

   

  I have a plan

  That needs refining.

  I'm just a man

  And slowly pining.

  But with help

  This little whelp

  In plain sight can hide."

   

  The Devil's Advocate will then contain a complete set of identifying papers including birth certificates, deeds to property, and any other papers the user needs to fill his real or fictitious persona. It will also contain directions to places where the user can acquire costuming, weaponry or anything else he may need to fill the role. Once the user is finished playing the part he simply has to destroy the papers and the Devil's Advocate will be ready to craft another identity.

   

  The Devil's Advocate was created long ago when an assassin told a mage he'd been contracted to kill that he'd spare his life in exchange for a powerful magical item. The mage bound a spirit of trickery into the folder and handed it over to the assassin. The assassin then killed the mage anyway, accidentally getting a little of the mage's blood on the folder. This is where it's reddish tint comes from. Some who know the Devil's Advocate's history suspect that the spirit of the mage is somehow also trapped in the item.

   

  They have good reason for suspecting this because anyone who uses the item for an extended period of time will begin to believe that he actually is the person he claims to be. If he is impersonating a real person as this happens, the urge to kill his "impostor" and properly take his place will also grow.

   

  As this takes place, the certificates and papers in the Devil's Advocate will begin to disappear, giving the user less proof of his identity even as he becomes more sure of his delusion. If the papers in the DA are destroyed or all disappear, the user will slowly regain his rightful identity although he may retain some little aspects of his delusion (answering to the false name, speaking as if he were that person occasionally, etc.)

   

  This situation can usually be avoided by not using any identity from the DA for more than a couple of days. Although someone who uses it in short spurts a great deal may still receive some residual effects...

   

• The Fake Tear Tissue

   

  The Fake Tear Tissue was handed down to Wyvern by Sorciere upon her acceptance to the Mighty Pen. The Tissue can be used to create fake tears on ones face or elsewhere, and is perfect for faking emotions in order to ease ones way out of difficult situations. Wyvern maintains a love-hate relationship with the Tissue, as on one hand he loves using it for business endeavors while on the other he's always had a distinct hatred for water.

   

• The Ring of Wondrous Hallucinations

   

  The Ring of Wondrous Hallucinations was given to Wyvern by Lady Celes Crusador as a gift for his last birthday. The item grants its wearer the power to transport him or herself into a world of hallucinations for no more than an hour a day. While the intended effects of the ring are parties, fun, and general headtrips, Wyvern experienced a terrifying vision the one time he wore it at Appy and Sweetcherrie's Garden Party. The lizard has refused to place the Ring on his claw since, and seems thoroughly convined that it's haunted.

   

• A Miniature Golden Camel

   

  The miniature golden camel in Wyverns possession was given to him by Cerulean as a birthday gift a few years ago. On the camel is written the phrase Eid Milad Sa'eed Habibi, a birthday greeting in a distant tongue. While the camel possesses no special powers or abilities, it stands to Wyvern as a momento of his time with Cerulean, and he values it just as much as his other items, if not more. The lizard often reminisces over fond memories of one of his all-time favorite Pen members when he views the camel, and often questions how she might be doing today.

[Wyvern]

Personality

 

Wyvern is the most kind-hearted, most gentle, and most caring dastardly schemer striving for world domination this side of Doctor Evil. He's always attentive and loving when it comes to caring for his geld, and is always motivated to find his geld companions in the form of more geld. Whenever he breaks furniture in an attempt to spy on Pen girls undressing, he politely informs them that Ozymandias will fix it and only partially ducks their facial slaps. What's more, Wyvern always provides Pen members with a fine variety of Almost Dragonic Brand Products, which he continuously offers at "reasonable" prices, with none of those annoying paperwork options like product guarantees or receits. He's also thrown many generous parties in the hopes of seeing Pen members have fun, as well as perhaps stripping a few people of their excess geld and getting a few ladies drunk on the side. It should also be noted that whenever Wyvern steals candy from babies, he always makes sure that the carriage falls on a soft patch of grass when he kicks it over. Pen applicants can also attest to the manner that Wyvern always apologizes after they wait for two months for him to respond to their poems and stories, and his frequent clumsiness, cowardice, and hatred of water have often been attributed to the "gentle" side of his personality.

 

Motivated, almost hard-working, and easily seductable... Wyvern is your perfect business partner, and your ideal almost dragonic lover!

 

This message brought to you by Almost Dragonic Inc.™