Yui-chan's "Duality"

[Katzaniel]

This is going to be rushed, and only for the intro post so far. Of course I love it so far, Yui you are very good. But you asked for feedback, so here goes.

 

"...spending decades studying the ancient arcane arts only to never get further..."

 

Awkward. I might reword as

 

"...spending decades studying the ancient arcane arts and never getting further..."

 

"Those who know magic are bound to the land that cannot support it. Those who know hunger are bound to the land that cannot bear fruit. Those who hold tight to the reigns of power fear the knowledge of their enemies. Those who hold tight to the tatters of faith fear the truth that their rivals could expose."

 

I really like these statements. I think they might be better with a semicolon between the last two, though. If you did that it might make the rest seem wrong.. perhaps if you added a "while"? As they are, these statements are very strong, I just think you might be able to make them even better with a little tweaking.

 

"Those who know magic are bound to the land that cannot support it while those who know hunger are bound to the land that cannot bear fruit. Those who hold tight to the reigns of power fear the knowledge of their enemies; Those who hold tight to the tatters of faith fear the truth that their rivals could expose."

 

"...a chain of events that threatens everything that they have known..."

 

In my opinion, this would be better as:

 

"...a chain of events to threaten everything that they have known..."

 

 

Of course this is all up to you. Keep it coming, and I'll try to keep responding.

[Katzaniel]

Almost all of this is very nitpicky details, and for many of my comments, I'm not even sure that what you have is wrong in any way. A few of them are just things that seem to me could be smoother another way. I'd like to know if you think I'm going too far in picking things out, I do feel that even though you asked for it, I must be. In general, your writing is very grammatically correct and therefore easy to read. On another level, I also like your description and so far your character development. But there were spots that, in my opinion, slightly interupted the flow of the rest of it.

 

 

"Some boundaries couldn't be crossed."

 

Sometimes one can get away with conjuctions, but this one bothered me for some reason.

 

"...limitations imposed on him..."

 

I have no idea if it's right, but "...limitations imposed upon him..." rings smoother to me.

 

Wow, an actual mistake/typo: "...as it glinted of his carefully arranged curls..." (you'll want "off" or "off of").

 

"...anything but the love he spoke of to his cherished children..."

 

I'm not sure how technical you want to get. I don't think you're really supposed to do that with a preposition, but then again I'm not sure why not. Anyway, you could also phrase it:

 

"...anything but the love of which he spoke to his cherished children..."

 

"Everything had been so much brighter, then..."

 

The ellipses made me think for a moment that you were using "then" in the sense of "then this happened". Perhaps if you removed the comma?

 

"Everything had been so much brighter then..."

 

"...as ornate and beautiful as the cavern and the hallways had been rough and unrefined."

 

I know I'm being much too picky, really, but I think this is smoother as

 

"...as ornate and beautiful as the cavern and hallways had been rough and unrefined."

 

"His gaze...and traveled upwards..."

 

Thus far you've done it properly every time, but you missed this one.

 

"His gaze...and traveled upward..."

 

"...what you spent so long trying to show me...."

 

Again, I don't know why this feels wrong. This feels better though:

 

"...what you spent so long in trying to show me...."

 

"...begrudge me the right to the comfort these short visits give me..."

 

I'd say:

 

"...begrudge me the right to the comfort that these short visits give me..."

 

"...pour in the others' ears..."

 

I probably should look it up for you, but my book is downstairs, and you may not trust it anyway. I think you've used the wrong form here.

 

"...pour in the other's ears..."

 

That's it. In that much writing, with me being as picky as I possibly could, that is very little to complain about. Shall I continue to be this picky though? I'd understand completely if you'd rather not. I can tone it down and comment only on actual mistakes, and other less grammatical aspects of the writing, if you want. I feel like I'm lecturing an expert on something they've been teaching me, because I can't back up very many of these intuitions.

[Yui-chan]

Katzaniel,

 

Absolutely, feel free to be this picky! At this level, I have to reserve the right to pass on some of your suggestions, but I dearly love having you point these things out to me. (And catch my mistakes. A typo?! A dangling participle?! What's become of me??! *sob*) This is the level to which it needs to be polished, and you're doing me a great favor by examining it so closely. Thanks!

 

Also, don't be afraid to make the more general comments if you haven't the time to do such detailed analysis. I really meant what I said... every little thought or complaint helps!

 

Gratefully yours,

~Yui

 

PS: I'll be responding to your particular comments in more detail later. You've got some really good points in there, to be sure.

[Wyvern]

I liked both the Prologue and the advertisement blurb, and think that they both once again demonstrate your characteristically good writing, Yui. My favorite moments out of these two introductory posts were the interactions between the unnamed man and his sister in the prologue, as I think you tend to portray character interactions in your stories particularly well.

 

In terms of potential improvements: I didn't really like the line "Of course, the world did not revolve around what one grief-stricken son liked to think" in the prologue since it's kind of telling on behalf of the narrator, and I think it could be dropped from the paragraph. Also, while I found the advertisement blurb very useful and informative, it didn't immediately grab my attention from the get-go, which I figure is normally the purpose of those types of things... perhaps you could offer some snippet of intriguing dialogue or a brief part of an intense scene to start the add off in order to snare the reader in?

 

Very nice drawing by the way... are you planning to use that for the cover, or is it more of an advertisement supplement?

[Gyrfalcon]

I chose to start my suggestions with the Teaser and work from there:

 

There has always been division. There has always been strife. There has always, always been hatred.

There has always been division. There has always been strife. There has always been hatred

 

I think you may want to remove the second always, but that leads to the sentences becoming repetitious. You might want to consider:

 

There has always been division and strife. There has always been hatred.

 

To the north, the mana-rich lands of the Kohlanmer are a great empire led by a duumvirate of the two most powerful of the magic masters.

To the north, the mana-rich lands of the Kohlanmer are a great empire led by a duumvirate of the two most powerful of the magic wielding families.

 

Changing masters to families from an idea I formed that the two families would work as the hands of the Primes and therefore would also share in the power. Therefore, if I'm wrong there is nothing to change. *grins*

 

Those who hold tight to the reigns of power fear the knowledge of their enemies

Those who hold tight to the reins of power fear the knowledge of their enemies.

 

Changed reigns to reins. The reins of power are like reins for a horse. However a king can reign from his throne. It all depends on context. *grins*

 

Those who hold tight to the tatters of faith fear the truth that their rivals could expose.

Those who hold tight to the tatters of faith fear the truths that their rivals could expose.

 

Added an 's' to truth. Unless they have only one great secret, there are multiple damaging truths that can come out.

 

Aaaaand.... that's it for my notes, I thought it was well written, Yui-chan. Now, onto the prologue.

[Katzaniel]

Just to build on Gyrfalcon's first suggestion, what if you said:

 

"There has always been division. There has always been strife. But most of all there has always been hatred."

 

This would avoid having too much repetition while still allowing you to use what I thought was effective repetition, as well as fixing what I took to be Gyr's point about "almost, almost".

 

Oh, and I'd wanted to say: Of course you will take the right to pass on them They are suggestions and nothing more. I will keep them coming as long as I have the time and you still want them.

[Katzaniel]

Fewer comments on the latest. Still enjoying.

 

"...long since woken up from."

 

"...to attack the things she believed in."

 

You know what to do

 

And a question: Are you Canadian? American? Australian? English? Other? I ask because you have been spelling words like "colour" the American way, but "grey" you spelled the Canadian way. So I'm not sure, since I don't know which particular brand of english is yours, but I think you may actually want to be using "gray", although I cringe to spell it like that.

[Yui-chan]

Great comments, all three of you. I'll be sure to make some small changes, most noteably the INSTANT ERADICATION of dangling participles. >_). We farmfolk like to ask people where they're goin' to, an' what they're thinkin' 'bout. An' darn it if they ain't ruined me for writing proper-like. I'm trying to train myself away from that particular error, so please do continue to point out the ones I miss. I'll do my best to get over my insufferable need to leave them participles a-danglin'.

 

To answer your question, Katzaniel, I'm American with English influences. No, truth to tell, I've used the spelling 'grey' for a very long time just for the pure joy of it. I have a number of little idiosyncrasies like that, but in the end it just comes down to the fact that I prefer the look of 'grey' to 'gray'. If no one objects toooooooo strenuously, I'm going to continue to use it simply because I'm me. What can I say? I'm strange. Good catch, though.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input! You're all dears.

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Gyrfalcon]

It's grey, I tell you, no matter what Word thinks it is! Greeeeeey! None of this gray idiocy. ;P

[Katzaniel]

I love that you both spell it grey.

 

Spread the word, okay?

 

As for your newest post, Yui:

 

Ack! What's gonna happen?! Need more....

 

 

Oh, you wanted feedback? Hm.

 

"...to his conversation through the evening..."

 

I would suggest "...throughout..."

 

And "...lulling her towards sleep." should be "...toward..."

 

Yeah, that's it, sorry...

[Yui-chan]

Issue (6) Pieces of the Puzzle is available.

 

Enjoy! ...?

 

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

Issue (7) The Face of the Enemy. This is probably one of my singular favorites in the story. Yay for character development!

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

This one has my favorite title.

 

( Metal Dances Where There Is No Moon. After you read the issue, it may even make some sense to you.

 

How's the pacing? Should I slow down how often I post so that you all aren't getting left behind due to lack of reading time?

 

Thanks,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

There be more Duality, now! ... (14) Inquisition

 

For anyone who ever saw the old short called 'Convolutions' that inspired the entire 'Duality' story, this is the issue that incorporates the scene from 'Convolutions'.

 

Listenin' to the crickets chirp,

~Yui

[Katzaniel]

I'm sorry if this comes across as brisk, but I take notes as I read, and it's easiest to do it in point form. As before, I'm really enjoying this story. I like your style, one carefully selected word sliding into place beside the rest, forming (usually ) perfectly clear sentences. It sets the mood, and it's easy to read. I am also intrigued by the plot, despite what you might interpret from my long absence from reading it. Nowadays I tend to stick to reading short stuff... it takes more time to peruse a story like yours. But, when I have the time, it's worth it. I just wish I were better at describing the things I like. "Your style", real specific, huh? Anyway, here are my notes.

 

(3)

 

You'd have to check this, but I think that "...dripping with the sarcasm that the situation warranted." should be "which", as in "...dripping with the sarcasm which the situation warranted."

 

"Apparently, even their women are designed to deny them any pleasures, the young man noted wryly to himself, his lips twisting."

 

I find the meaning of this unclear. At first I took it to mean that the Toi's women are denied pleasure, but looking back I realize that you probably meant the men are denied pleasure through the women's shape. I'm not sure what you could say to clarify that, and perhaps it was just my own misunderstanding.

 

"...though he looked as dumbstruck and horrified as she did." Consider also "...though he looked as dumbstruck and horrified as she."

 

"Apparently, he wasn’t in the mood to buy the other man’s story, having had a few too many ales to over the course of the night that had fed his temper."

 

This is awkward, you could try removing the "to", as in "...having had a few too many ales over the course of the night..." But the last bit still seems forced. Especially given the tone of the rest of your writing.

 

Perhaps: "Apparently, he wasn’t in the mood to buy the other man’s story, his temper being fed by the few too many ales he had had over the course of the night."

 

"HMM?!" This is, in my opinion, distracting. At first glance it looks like initials, despite the obviousness of its context. I think italics would serve your purpose better.

 

"...all the while watching the man who’d been a friend just five minutes ago contemplate the best way to murder him..."

 

I think you're splitting something or other... Infinitives, is it? Anyway, it sounds wrong. I recognize that "...all the while watching the man who five minutes ago had been a friend contemplate the best way to murder him..." is even worse, but maybe you can split it into two sentences or something. "...all the while watching the man who five minutes ago had been a friend and was now contemplating the best way to murder him..." ? I would definitely recommend moving the last part, " the few patrons left in the bar forming up behind him." into its own sentence. "The few patrons left in the bar were a relatively small group, but definitely forming into a wanna-be mob." Or even "would-be mob"? Though now I'm just putting words into your mouth

 

"Turning towards him..." Oh no you don't, you don't get away with that with me helping proofread! "Turning toward him..."

 

"The portly tavern's owner..." I see what you're doing here, but it looks at first like a typo. I'd say "The portly tavern owner..." instead.

 

"I’ll have this little ‘infestation’ of yours taken care of in no time."" Now this might just be me, but I think you should remove the quotes there. "I’ll have this little infestation of yours taken care of in no time."" seems to me to be both more effective in showing your point and more along the lines of his actual beliefs.

 

"...by any one of these country backbreakers." The words "any one" caught me up. Maybe "a single one" or "even one" would read more smoothly.

 

"...buoyed by a rousing chorus of gruff ‘yeah’s from his mates." The quote seems informal here. I wonder if you could get away with "gruff assents" instead?

 

"...in the ways that ignorant miner had in mind." I'm thinking "...in the ways that that ignorant miner..." or "...in the ways that the ignorant miner..."

 

"...making her dead wasn't compatible with his mission to return her to the Collectors at Devonswyrd." Again, it just seems wrong to me. Not sure why, but I think a comma would help. "...making her dead wasn't compatible with his mission, to return her to the Collectors at Devonswyrd." Or maybe it's just the contraction, disrupting the natural rhythm of the statement? "...making her dead was not compatible with his mission to return her to the Collectors at Devonswyrd."

 

I might have mentioned this before, (I'm not going to check) but I think that contractions are okay in a certain mood or style of writing, but that they stand out in yours. They're fine when you're quoting a character, for example, but they detract from any other sentence.

 

"The look she shot him as she stood up made it clear..." I kind of get the sense that you're squeezing too much information in here. I don't know what to recommend.

 

Lookie that, a perfect example:

 

From between gritted teeth, he ground out a simple, "That won’t be necessary."

 

He should have known the ox wouldn’t be smart enough to let it go at that.

 

The first contraction, "won't", is barely even noticable. It fits with what one would expect. People naturally speak like that. But the second is obvious, to me at least. Also, I'd add a "that": "He should have known that the ox would not be smart enough..."

 

"...just become the first person ever to take him down." Or, "...just become the first person to ever take him down."

 

"He turned towards..." Gah! "He turned toward..."

 

"... It wasn't until they were well away from the tavern that Djaz let himself curse and shake out his aching hand."

 

The last statement is good, I like the effect. But the ellipses, I think, do not need to be there. (Those are yours this time )

 

Out of time again, ever with the intention of making time just for this story,

Katzaniel

Edited October 22, 2004 by Katzaniel

[Yui-chan]

Thanks, Katz! Great suggestions, as always...

 

I'm starting to think that one of these days, you're going to read one too many 'towards' from me and snap like a twig in a tornado. @_@

 

*hides behind Gyrfalcon* Help! I'm too young to die!

 

~Yui

[Gyrfalcon]

Actually, Katz, according to Dictionary.com, either one is correct, though as the note at the bottom indicates, 'toward' is more often used in American English, while 'towards' is more common in British English. You can blame Aegon for Yui-chan's usage of towards, I don't know where mine came from though. *grins*

 

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=towards

[Katzaniel]

I find that strange, since I rarely see "toward" actually used, and I read both American and British books.

 

I had gotten the idea that "towards" was bad from a list of commonly misused words in the Harbrace College Handbook for Canadian writers: "backwards Use backward [NOT backwards] as an adjective: a backward motion." Either I incorrectly assumed that this extended to forward/toward/et cetera, or maybe Canadian English does have a specific rule for it. Either way, I should probably let Yui survive...

[Gyrfalcon]

It'd be preferable, as more Duality is always a good thing. *grins*