The Complete Bob the Ninja

[Finnius]

An Epic Poem, Entitled Bob the Ninja

 

Bob did live in eastern land,

Between the mountains, sea, and sand,

And practiced arts of cookie baking,

While dreams of battle his days were making.

He baked and basted, and knew he wasted,

The time to learn just how life tasted,

Not just pinwheels and gingersnaps,

But shuriken, swords, and ninja traps.

 

These kinds of things were his delight,

When finally he dared learn to fight,

And found that ninjitsu was not enough,

He turned back to baking, to cookie making,

Because that was truly tough.

 

But still, at times, in darkest noon,

The black-clad form of ninja doom,

Was seen to leap from roof to room,

And it was called "Ninja Cookie Chef,"

On account of the pastries that it left.

But all were sour, left all bereft.

 

One bright day, an elven man,

Wearing colors dull, did demand,

That Bob and he should have a fight,

And Bob geared up and said "A'ight."

The elf and Bob moved back and fro,

But ne'er a hit contacted, ne'er a blow,

That the sylvan man did try and throw,

Then Bob whipped out his cookie dough.

 

"Have at thee, dude, WHAA HOO, Hai HEE!"

Whereon, Bob smacked him in the knee,

The elf fell down ungracefully,

Got up, then walked into a tree,

And that fight went to Bob, you see.

 

A legend grew, from town to land,

Between the mountains, sea, and sand,

That against any foe could stand,

The Ninja Cookie Chef named Bob,

So, naturally, bandits came to rob.

 

The bandits came with fire and sword,

With angry mutterance, into, towards,

The little town in eastern land,

Where Bob did work, and made his stand.

 

There were twelve of them, large as oxen,

But Bob had taken up Shadow Boxin',

To supplement his Ninja Technique,

Which, he had found, was getting weak.

 

They swerved and slashed, and tried to cut,

And Bob, he laughed and dodged them, but,

He knew that time was running out,

So he whipped out Gingersaurkraut,

The newest weapon he had to tout.

 

The sweet and sour cookie section,

Had but one thing for selection,

Gingersaurkraut, 'twas said,

Could knock and stand you on your head,

Or leave you very close to dead,

This tastey weapon made of bread.

 

The bandits ran away then, and,

They became Pirates on Demand,

And got a shop down in Milan,

Where they sold forks, and pots, and pans,

But never did they roam the land,

Between the mountains, sea, and sand.

 

When the wind blew hard from off the sea,

Bob set off to make his way,

He took with him provisions: three,

Which I will try to name today.

His ninja gear, if nothing else,

Looked cool when worn, and what was more,

If he got down, it'd sell itself,

For lots of cash; for inns, drinks, and [censored.]

 

He also took his baking stuff,

In which he took much pride;

Besides, his oven was large enough,

That in it, he could hide.

 

The last provision was his treasured home,

A cardboard box labelled "Bob's Dojo,

And Cookie Grille, We Also Deal in Loans,"

He found it really boosted mojo,

When his heart dropped like a stone.

 

And so it was, that Bob left there,

With many shouts and waving hands,

The place that in his soul, he'd share,

Between the mountains, sea, and sand,

His life, his times, his tales, his fears,

Bob left, unspoken, not without tears.

[Finnius]

Bob the Ninja's Ill-Fated World-Wide Quest

 

Worldwide Quest, Part 1

A cool wind blew, .e-d-u,

As Ninja Bob, whom we all knew,

Was on a quest, purused a ridge,

Over London Bridge.

 

This was the first, of many places,

That Bob had shown his army's faces,

While on his quest,

Since Budapest.

 

When into London, unannounced,

The ninja army quickly pounced,

And looked for shinies, which to plunder,

They found but clocks, with ticks and tocks,

And those were rent asunder.

 

While Bob himself, the ninja master,

Burst through a wall of brick and plaster,

And grabbed what sparklies he could find,

For he would use them to combine,

Into a mirror, of such great stature,

That all the world would find,

A ninja in their mind.

 

Worldwide Quest, Part 2

From London town, to prissy France,

Where Bob was wearing pleated pants,

And thinking that he'd found his chance,

To make his ninja army dance.

 

In old Versailles, and Paris too,

Ninja Bob, whom we all knew,

Was evil pure, incarnate badness,

Sat alone, and sat in sadness.

 

He thought, "Oh why, does everyone,

Who sees my mask start, turn, then run?

Do I cause terror where'er I go,

Or do they fear my lumbego?"

 

As he was thinking these sad thoughts,

His ninja followers stole and fought,

With Frenchies many, well really few,

But that don't matter when they're huge,

And when they claw like girly cats,

The ninjas ran like frightenend grats!

 

So France, it seems, is safe today,

From Ninja Bob's invasive sway,

And from his mirror-trick, which makes them green,

With envy on the evil scene.

"I'm not evil, don't be mean!"

Sorry, Bob, we're out of time,

And I'm really stretching for this rhyme.

[Finnius]

Attempt at Oriental Style RPG

 

Bedlam:

 

I am ninja. My rife is difficurt and ronery.

 

The rest speaks for itself:

 

I tried to disuade Bob from this course of action, I really did. Unfortunately, he didn't respond well to my repeated attempts at diplomacy. In the end, it was either this or let Bob try to assassinate Bedlam. You know how ninjas can be...

From this point on, I wash my hands of the whole mess.

_____________________________________________

In the dim twilight before the moon rises, two men crouch in shadow. They have been there for hours, watching the patterns of the patrolling guards on the high walls of Kyuden Mari. Now, almost as one, they move. From the low shrubbery which concealed them, Bob and his companion ghost to a particulary tall bonsai tree leaning heavily against the towerring wall of the Palace of Bedlam. Bob's companion moves off towards the eastern wall, and the front gate of Kyuden Mari. Bob climbs the tree and waits for the coming distraction. After several minutes, at the appointed time, the other man bangs against the front gate and demands to be let in. Several guards are dispatched to take care of what is seen as a noisome drunkard. This is the moment Bob has been waiting for.

 

He uncoils his legs like a spring, propelling him toward the high wall, and over. Once inside the insidous place, Bob strips his gi off, revealing a dirt-brown undershirt. A matching kimono and jingata are removed from the small bag on his back, and quickly donned. The colors of Clan Mari don't fit Bob too well, but they're less likely to attract attention than a red-trimmed black ninja gi.

 

The halls of Kyuden Mari are narrow and winding, with many rooms. Some are unlocked and open, but Bob is here for something a bit more... well guarded. On the second floor of the opulent palace, Bob passes a room from which the voice of the great daimyo Bead can be heard trying to entice his men to play something called "Chutes and Ladders." Bob shakes his head sardonically and continues walking. The third floor is almost entirely deserted, save for one guard stationed in front of a heavily locked, and no doubt trapped, room. Bob approaches the guard as if he is a well-known friend.

 

"Greetings, Sama, I am here to relieve you."

 

The guard's eyes narrow at this.

 

"I have been told of no such orders. Bead-sama himself told me to guard this door until dawn."

 

"So I see. At least let me offer you something to eat. I was going to have this for breakfast myself, but it seems as if you will need the energy more. And since it seems I cannot disuade you from your course, I would much rather you have it."

 

Bob pulls three small cookies and a container of milk from the bag on his back and offers it to the guard.

 

"No thanks, I had a big dinner."

 

"I insist..."

 

"No, really, I'll be fine. Keep your cook-"

 

At this point, Bob slips a dagger into the man's eye. The guard falls silently, and Bob pops a cookie into his mouth.

 

He really should have accepted. Some of my best, I think. Ah, well.

 

The Ninja Cookie Chef picks the locks on the door and gently slides it open. By this time the sun is peeking through the clouds, and Bob berates himself for taking so long. After all, it was only paper.

 

Bob takes a moment to puruse the room, noting the poison dart thrower, trap door, laser cannon, thermo-nuclear trigger, and surveilence camera. Too easy...

 

Several minutes later, Bob catapults over the wall, unseen save for his companion waiting on the ground.

 

"Did you get it?"

 

"Yes. Would you like to see?"

 

The other ninja removes his mask, revealing a shockingly blue face.

 

"Of course. And I'm willing to bet that everyone in Terra will want in on this. How much do you think we could sell it for?"

 

Bob considers for a moment, then grins wryly.

 

"Nothing."

 

Before his blue-skinned companion can say anything, Bob pulls a business card from his pack, signs it, weights it, and expertly tosses it onto the wall where it will be found on the morning's patrol.

 

"C'mon Finn, let's go tamper with this thing and get some breakfast. Myself, I'm thinking... maybe doughnuts."

 

Later that morning, one of the soulless minions of Mari-Telecom stumbles across a business card reading as such:

 

Ninja Bob, at your service,

Good morning gentlemen. All you Quest for Glories are belong to Us.

 

-----------------------------

 

And to Borrow from Yui:

 

By mid-morning, the Palace of Bedlam had quieted from the flurry of activity that the missing Quest had spawned. Guardsmen with particularly-sharp huaberks and katanas prowled the grounds like caged tigers, glaring at anything and everything with looks that could kill. (The bellied-up crickets, birds, and mice littering the courtyard was all the proof anyone needed.) Needless to say, the servants were avoiding the courtyard.

Within the building, in a chamber on the second floor, a black-robed figure knelt, head and shoulders bowed under a concealing cowl as the man sitting before it spoke. There was not a hint of motion or form until he fell silent, then a sharp nod. As the figure rose, a soft yet determined voice flowed through the air.

 

"Hai, Bead-sama. Wakarimasita." *

 

With that, the speaker bowed deeply and respectfully, the midnight fabric of the cloak sliding silently over the wooden slats of the floor. When it turned, a fair face and narrowed, angry green eyes shone out of the darkness.

 

Yui-chan, Huntress of the Army of Darkness and loyal vassal of Mari, strode from the room, determination and barely-contained rage showing in each step. Once outside, she gathered her elven bow and pouch of diamond arrowheads from their place against the wall and slipped back into her black, leather calf-boots.

 

Treacherous thieves. The populous must not know that the Quest is gone, for we all know that its power of Promise is all that holds together the Lands of Terra! Upon my honour, I shall bring back that which was stolen as well as the heads of those who had a part in its loss!

 

The expression on her face as her thoughts fanned her rage higher was so thunderous that the unfortunate souls guarding the door exchanged worried glances. They knew the dangers of finding yourself in the way of Yui-chan's temper, for the Huntress possessed the gentle heart of Nature as well as the righteous wrath of the Holy. She was known and feared among all of the assassins of Clan Mari, and rightly so. Degenero and Iuz both gulped audibly at the thought of what had happened to Wyvern after she'd found out about the 'steel' shuriken he'd sold her. ... some scars never fade.

 

Luckily, Yui chose to ignore the signs of weakness in the two guardsmen. Without a word or glance for them, she walked to the nearest shadow and disappeared into its infinite depths.

 

... after a few moments, the tension was broken by Bead-sama's cheery voice from within the room. "Now that that's taken care of... who wants to play 'Go Fish'?"

 

* Japanese translated: 'Yes, Lord Bead. I understand.'