Arashi Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 You in the corner of my eye A beautiful rose with razor sharp thorns Speaking sweetly and softly As you threaten him with bodily harm You are a ray of luscious red In a room filled with faceless mirrors What ho, your voice reaches my ear again More exotic then I remember Each word is candy to my ears A feast laced inside every word Filling my head with wonderful colors Smiling innocently with untainted lips As if kissing the world with every smile Every frown seems like a slap in the face So smile and kisses the stars in the sky And I will in turn kiss you good night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuki Kokoro Posted March 12, 2004 Report Share Posted March 12, 2004 Each word is candy to my ears A feast laced inside every word Filling my head with wonderful colors This is an excellent description of a voice, and "As if kissing the world with every smile" is wonderful as well. You have a good grasp on imagery. "Speaking sweetly and softly/ As you threaten him with bodily harm"... how strange? It caught me off guard, but is a personal detail, which tends to help poetry; it helped make the character more real. "And I will in turn kiss you good night," this is an interesting way to end it considering most of the rest reads more like watching from afar. After reading some of your other stuff I think I like this more forward approach, it's different, more hopeful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 18, 2004 Report Share Posted March 18, 2004 I liked this poem, Arashi, and found a number of the images and emotions evoked throughout it very intriguing. I particularly liked the image that described the "femme" as "...a ray of luscious red/ In a room filled with faceless mirrors," (ll. 5-6) and thought the manner that the beauty of the woman contrasted with the appearences of those around her was interesting and evocative. It almost seemed as though the narrator was unable to view his own reflection in the mirror due to his being so astounded by the woman's appearence... One thing that I felt could potentially be expanded upon in this poem is the ambivalent danger present in the woman in the first stanza, which seems to get abandoned in the stanzas that follow (though the adjective "untainted" in the first line of the final stanza does have a somewhat negative connotation). I was intrigued by the associations between beauty and danger in the first stanza, particularly in the lines "Speaking sweetly and softly/ As you threaten him with bodily harm," (ll. 3-4) and was somewhat disappointed when they didn't reoccur in later stanzas. Very good poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackCagedHeart Posted March 18, 2004 Report Share Posted March 18, 2004 Hah. This poem would remind me of something once said to me. An "admirer" of mine had smiled at me and said "I wouldn't know if you hid razorblades in your pockets, nor would I care, but I was ever your boyfriend I'd be scared to death, BEcause I'd never know if you were going to kiss me or kill me." I can feel a deep connection with this "femme" and am seeing others around me have quite the same reaction. Well done. If I can connect with it, you know it has to have a different meaning.Once again, Well done!! BlackCagedHeart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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