purple_shadows Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 This is really crappy, and i would say it's a work in progress, but i'll probably never return to it. So tear it up and whatnot, it doesn't matter. Little girl on the battlefield Tears welling in her eyes But all the bloodshed could never compare To knowing what she left behind If there’s one thing you’ll remember It’s that the truth hurts more than the lies And you’ll never forget the wounds that are your core When things go left unsaid They gnaw on your bones And suck the marrow from inside Leaving you to you’re thoughts alone When both parties’ are too stubborn It drains away your blood And fades the life light from your eyes Leaving you to continue the path on your own A sadder sight you never saw This fragile little ghost An echo of a past you wish you could let go But closure always seemed to come too late If there’s one thing you’ll remember It’s that the truth hurts more than the lies And you’ll never forget the wounds that are your core Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 Hmm... I'd say to retitle it, myself. "The things we remember" is a little bit more interesting, I think. But that's just me. I've been the exception before. I stand for my right to be wrong! *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple_shadows Posted March 9, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2004 how about..."The Things We Don't Forget" I think I like that better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackCagedHeart Posted March 9, 2004 Report Share Posted March 9, 2004 I liked it. I think it was really good. The ONLY piece of critquing I'd do is change a few words. ^-^ Glad to read it. BlackCagedHeart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuki Kokoro Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 You have such a talent for making poems read and flow well without rhyme; your cadence is so natural. That made this a particular delight to read and pulled me along. The first stanza was the strongest in my eyes and made a good opening with the image of a child beginning to cry on a battle field. If there’s one thing you’ll remember It’s that the truth hurts more than the lies I liked these lines and the acknowledgment of how much truth hurts; you can no longer deny the pain and lies are so much more comforting. The line following them was good as well: "And you’ll never forget the wounds that are your core". This shows just how deeply pain affects people, wounds are most likely to sink down to the core, but it is also the most painful thing to have in your heart. Ending the poems with the repetition of these lines was a good choice in my opinion, as they make a good summery of the ideas presented. “This fragile little ghost” was a powerful image in the last stanza, tying back to the crying child on the battle field; the “echo of a past you wish you could let go” was very relatable as well. One lingering thought is how open to interpretation this poem is. Many of your poems leave me with emotions, then looking back on it I realize that you never specifically mention what you’re talking about. Every reader can take these feelings and make them their own, applied to any situation they can relate to. It’s an interesting approach. Wonderful poem and I was glad to read it, I would be glad to read more or a revised version as well if you ever do decided to return to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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