Katzaniel Posted February 27, 2004 Report Share Posted February 27, 2004 OK, I've added a few more posts to the story. I think I probably haven't described her well enough or soon enough - what do you guys think about that? And how about the little interuption from the narrator? I'm not sure how else to get all that information across. Ideas? The next few posts I make will probably be borrowed greatly from the three or four posts I made about Horace in AM, so I apologize if any of you have read it before. I'm not sure how much I'll need to change. Anyway, please tell me how you feel about it, if only as a reader. "I liked it" or "I hated it" is better than nothing. Please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted March 2, 2004 Report Share Posted March 2, 2004 Well, first off, I applaud your bravery in seeking feedback on your story. Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab for that sort of thing, for fear of going unnoticed. Such is life ^.^ Anyways, I'm enjoying what you have so far. It is an easy read, and Horace is quite the interesting character. I like how she's so stupid she can basically bend reality. I wish I was that dumb. It's nice to get some background on a character I know a little bit about already (not much, mind you.) I am a little curious as to what takes on fantasy you are using; you seem to draw from religious backgrounds from our world, and seem to allude to Earth, if I am correct. I could be wrong though. I don't have many suggestions on what could be largely improved. One thing that threw me though, was the segment about Horace's IQ test... Lucifer was confused as to how Horace acquired paper to make a paper airplane, when it was Lucifer who had the IQ test administered (did I get the right word there?) in the first place. Weird. Aside from that, I think you could stand to present the environment a little bit better. It's good to leave things to the imagination, but I didn't really have much of a sense of location. In the first post, we can assume she's in a hell-like place, but there isn't much really alluding to it. In the second, you say she is in heaven, but you don't really give heaven much of a description. Is it all puffy clouds? Is it a sky kingdoom with golden columns and marble floors? I think a little elaboration would help greatly. Hope that didn't seem harsh, because I'm simply calling 'em as I seem 'em ^.^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted March 2, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2004 No, not harsh at all. All things I need to think about. With the paper airplane thing, if I remember correctly what I meant was that he was wondering how she ever learned to make them, paper being scarce. Either I should explain that better or take it out; it sounds stupid to me now. Yes, I do need to find a way to take more time for description. Thank you for mentioning that. I think I do need to describe her physically much sooner. I will overhaul bits of the story next time I have time to work on it. Thank you very much BPO for taking the time! I think this will help a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted March 3, 2004 Report Share Posted March 3, 2004 Not a problem at all. Eye for an eye can be a good thing, too ^.^ About the paper airplane bit- it *is* possible I took the sentence out of context. I'll have to re-read the exact wording again, but... yeah... could be a read error on my end ;p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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