The Big Pointy One Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 Alright, so I'm a few posts in now, so a little bit has developed. I haven't really noticed much commentary for my work, and that's fine; not everyone can comment on everything. Or something like that. Factor in that I'm not really helpful in the commentary department myself, but honestly, I don't ever really have anything meaningful to add unless I'm involved in the story myself. I'm sorry if I've seemed rude of late, but that's the way I am sometimes. Anyways, without seeming like a jerk here, I was wondering if anyone who has read this so-far title-less story has any comments so far? (I'm assuming the 'read' total isn't just me checking in on it and/or attempting to update it ;p ) I wouldn't mind hearing what people think I could improve upon, because I realise I'm not the best writer around, and I figured solo work is a good way to improve... solo work... heh... anyways, any sort of commentary or criticism will be greatly appreciated. Just... don't expect me not to respond to each and every aspect of your response with my own counter-insight! mahahaha! ...oh, I'm so lame ;p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted February 12, 2004 Report Share Posted February 12, 2004 Stick, The story is certainly interesting so far, and I'm looking forward to future developements. It's currently quite surreal through a great deal it's imagery, especially that of the lost teddy bear that Dierden finds and has a strange affinity for. I'm intrigued to learn more about what's going on in the story... my current hypothesis is that Dierden is experiencing vivid flashbacks invoked by the spirit of Nature. I particularly like the ambivalence of Dierden's feelings when he considers whether or not he's previously experienced the things that he's going through. One thing that I felt could possibly be improved in the story is the characterisation of Dierden and Deltradiel. There were certain moments where I didn't feel that Dierden's emotions came off as very convincing, an example of this being his weeping and solo dialogue near the beginning. I'd also really like to learn more about the character of Deltradiel, as we've seen and heard very little from her so far. More interactions between her and Dierden might reveal the aspects of both of their characters more thoroughly. Overall, it's nicely done and I look forward to further continuations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted February 12, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2004 Wyvern, Thanks for the reply, I greatly appreciate it ^.^ I'm glad to see there are parts that have interested you so far, and I hope to continue on producing the imagery as I have, and better. I really focused myself on describing the environment as best as I can, and I realise I probably could do better, but that'll be an improvement in the future. I know exactly what you mean in regards to the character development though. Hopefully that's an aspect that will be improving in the future as well... but as I was writing I *did* realise I wasn't really describing very well what Dierden felt about what was going on, but rather what was going on around Dierden. As for Deltradiel, well, you'll be finding out about her later. Of course, I could have revealed a bit more about her. As for the beginning piece and the weeping not being so believable, I totally agree; I kind of just threw that out of nowhere, without having much leading up to it. Oh, and good guess as to what's going on... you're partially right ^.^ Again, thanks for the feedback, and I hope you enjoy whatever comes next... whenever it comes next... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted February 27, 2004 Report Share Posted February 27, 2004 (edited) BPO: I loved the first post. I was even convinced of the weeping/screaming scene. Perhaps it's just that I was dragged right back to the imagery in my own mind of the dying AM (which I imagine is at least a little bit what you're referencing), but I think you also did a very good job of describing it. I do feel as I read on that you go away from the feel of it. I mean, there's a very distinct change in mood as soon as people begin to speak. I know it's hard not to have that, but I thought I should mention that I felt that. Somehow since he transported, it all seems *less* dark. Perhaps that's intentional? Reliving his memories is a new chance to fix things? When Deirden wraps the bear in a kerchief, I had to readjust my image to a much smaller bear. You may want to specify size earlier. Deirden seems to have a lot of mood swings. When you said "It was kind of pathetic how easily he changed his mind these days...", part of me thought, "Oh, so that's how he planned it", but part of me thought, "Hmm, he noticed at the same time I did and thought he needed to explain it." How much a part of Deirden's character is the ease through which he swings through emotions? I think you need to either establish it more thoroughly early on in the story, maybe mentioning how one of his friends had always laughed at that part of him, or try to make his emotion more constant. For example, he has plenty of time to think about whether he's going to accept Nature's request, and he makes his decision, and then all of a sudden all he can think of is negative things that he never thought of a moment ago. Why didn't he think of these things? Why is he so worried about it now? Generally, I really enjoyed it. It doesn't sound like that because I'm trying to be critical in order to help out. I'm not as good as saying where I like things, but I can pick out certain things that interupted that. So I'm pointing out the parts I had trouble with. Every other part, I liked Keep it up. Technical notes (grammar, spelling): Feb 5th post: I think it's actually "onward" you want (w/o the "s") in the first sentence. (And in the second last sentence. Toward, too). Also, halfway through paragraph #1, you say "It was if there..." instead of, I presume, "It was as if there..." Another one, which very few people get and so you *probably* don't care about, is ending sentences with words like "for". Technically bad, but rarely avoided. If you do care, then you may want to change "...to the child it was originally meant for." to "...to the child for which it was originally meant." If I'm being too picky in this department, tell me. I can continue watching for any and all of these, or just spelling errors if you want. How much do you care about nitpicky grammatical details, BPO? I mean, there sure aren't very many of them so it does appear you care Actually I'm going to stop with Feb 5th. Tell me if you want to hear all the gory detail about grammatical errors & typos and I'll go back and find them for you. It's hard to enjoy the story if I keep pausing and jotting them down, though. Edit: PS. you owe me one now! When you have time, can you read a bit of my story in the writing workshop? Thx. Edited February 27, 2004 by Katzaniel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted February 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2004 Alright, so going in backwards order, I'll be glad to read and review. I *had* read your story, and I've actually been trying to work up a good response. Typing/grammatical errors are something I'm not too worried about. After all, if I bothered to proofread my posts, there'd be a lot less of those. Anyways, I appreciate the review. I value what would be coined as the more 'negative' criticism, because it helps me figure out what needs to be changed. To hear you liked it is good enough for me. Anyways, I think I should stop sticking those Flash thingies in there, because I think I've set up the illusion that he's reliving a lot of past events. He has recalled a few things, but this story is actually about his redemption for abandoning Nature. Granted, for those who have been involved with or following my work, that hasn't happenned yet. My bad for sucking at explaining things. About the bear, yes, I need to work on explaining physical details a bit better as well. About the mood swings, well, I don't have a good explanation for that. Realistically this means a.) I don't have a solid definition for the character of Dierden Samshae / Stick and b.) Stick is a lot like myself; a lot of the stuff he does is what I'd do in the same situation. (Okay, so Stick is basically a representation of myself on this medium) Storywise it's a bit harder to explain, which sucks for me. Again, that means I need to work harder on being continuous in my definitions and actions of my characters. Anyways, the best way I can explain it is Stick thinks it is fate that he lives in servitude for Nature. He laughs because it's like he just saw his destiny right there, which isn't something most people are meant to see. He understands it's hopeless to try and fight it, so he basically says 'screw it' and just decides to go with it. It's kinda like Donnie Darko, but different. Iconically, this is like my current battle with depression, except in real life I haven't really found my ray of hope. That's why we call it fantasy ^.^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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