Wyvern Posted December 27, 2003 Report Share Posted December 27, 2003 At first, I was going to judge Aardvark's stories through a typical analysis of structure, tone, etc… But I lasted until “Fearless” before the daunting task began haunting me in my sleep, and “Patience” finally threw me over the edge into temper tantrums. So, I decided that a more efficient system of rating would be needed if I wanted to last till my next birthday without completely losing it. After all, the thought of splitting a cake with a cross between Michael Jackson and Sisqo in a mental ward was not exactly appealing. So, I needed a system that was succinct. A system that was scientific. A system that used neat, random numbers. A system that threw in words like “parley,” just for effect. A system that inflated my ego through the mentioning of my name, yet was simultaneously simple enough to rip-off and market to those gullible enough to mistake it for an Almost Dragonic product. Enter A.R.S.E. The one and only system capable of matching the absurdity of Aardvark’s stories. The following is an exercise in lunacy, which will occur over the course of several installments. Please keep your hands, arms, legs, tongues, tentacles, and insurance salesmen inside the vehicle at all times. In chronological order: "Maligned Perception" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Protagonist dies unexpectedly just before the end: 10 points Protagonist shares his name with a byronic hero thought to have slept with his own sister: 0 points Fate of the Queen’s crumpets not mentioned: -5 points Sympathizes with the struggle of megalomaniacs: 20 points Classy uses of antique revolvers, EvilLaughs, and splattered brain wallpaper: 10 points Story includes witty one-liners before key character dies horribly: 30 points Hopeful, upbeat ending for evil geniuses seeking doomsday devices everywhere: 10 points. Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 0 – 5 + 20 + 10 +30 + 10) divided by the number of times Aardvark has mocked Wyvern for his lack of funds = the rating. "The Fun is All Gone" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Potagonist lives to see an endless looping cycle resulting from his continual commencement of the story at the end of the piece: -10 points The notion that he will eventually hunger for Krispy Kream, thus urging the reader to invest in the product: 20 points My use of the word “commencement” three lines above: irrelevant Car chase scene: 10 points Car chase scene involving paddy wagons, men in uniform, and beefy looking V8s: -30 points Theme of writers block is dealt with, and overcome: 10 points Little subconscious elf voices in the writers head turning the “block” into a rubix cube: 5 brownie points. Overall: (15 + 10 – 10 + 20 + 10 – 30 + 10 + 5) multiplied by the square root of Aardvark’s money investment with Almost Dragonic = the rating. "Accurate Explanations" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person dialogue through smashed people at a rave party discussing the significance of the letter E: 30 points Repetition of the phrase “Umm…”: 5 points Lawsuites filed by Madame Quixotic and other fortune tellers because of the stealing of their phrase “Umm…”: -10 points Uses alliteration: 5 points Uses exotic terms such as “necrogoons,” “necronerd,” “Zombi,” and “git”: 10 points Fatalities continuously mentioned throughout: 20 points Protagonist dismisses antagonist as a freak, yet is deluded enough to think that God will chit-chat with him over a cup of tea at the end: 10 points Overall: (15 + 30 + 5 – 10 + 5 +10 + 20 +10) minus the number of times Aardvark has beaten Wyvern over the head with a blunt object = the rating "Partly Fact" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Set at a Mcdonalds drive through: - 80 points (they gave me soggy fries last time) Thought of narrator posing as the Hamburgler: priceless “3 Bells” advertisement: 100 points Use of random, inappropriate grammar for street cred in order to aid in advertising “3 Bells” to the hip hop generation: 10 points An antagonist drives a riced-up Civic, which is reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble at the end: 15 points Story can’t decide if it’s action/drama, science fiction/fantasy, personal advice/social rant, or Final Fantasy VIII documentary/latest script for Beverley Hills 90210: -20 points Narrator severely damages the readers feelings: 5 extra special points Overall: (15 + 10 – 80 + 100 + 10 + 15 – 20 + 5) – X/2 where X is equal to the number of variables it takes to get Aardvark confused = the rating. "Fearless" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Metaphor for urban setting as a jungle used: 20 points No comparisons of police to hippopotamuses: -10 points Flaring nostrils that remind me of almost dragonic relatives: -5 points Street hoodlums with extensive knowledge of how to treat a lady like a “real man”: 0 points Corrupt knowledge blamed on women’s lib: 20 points Latex gloves used: 5 bonus points Overall: (15 + 10 + 20 – 10 – 5 + 0 + 20 + 5) plus the number of times Aardvark has sabotaged Melba’s desk seat = the rating. "Ultimate Power" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in an obsessive first person: 10 points Antagonist is a puke-inducingly cute small child: -20 points Uses omnimatopotence: 10 points Use of a French word is corrected by the use of the word freedom (“Queuing for freedom”): 5 points Leaves reader with a blazing hot, sickly feeling: 10 points Soccer mom is left permanently scarred: 20 points Different meanings attributed to the word “hotspot”: 5 points Overall: (15 + 10 – 20 + 10 + 5 + 10 + 20 + 5) times the number of hours that Aardvark has spent handing out Almost Dragonic product flyers = the rating. "Patience" Brutal and direct: 15 points Narrator that sounds like an announcer from an educational history video: 0 points The dollar is considered holy: 50 points Use of a French subtitle with no corrections: -5 points Money is abused: 20 points Zombis not included amongst the rankings of the undead: -5 points Species of booby-trapped spider coin is not mentioned, much to the dismay of collectors: - 10 points Lethal sneezes used without a single “Gesundheit”: 5 points Chronoassassin drives the latest in dematerializing vehicle technology: 10 points Overall: (15 + 0 + 50 –5 + 20 – 5 –10 + 5 + 10) to the power of the number of Almost Dragonic savings bonds Aardvark holds = the rating. "Controlled environment" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Protagonist character is see-through: -5 points A scientific notation for the cause of riots is mentioned: 20 points The fat men are the ones that get it in the end: 10 points Notion that the fat men may have become fat from eating Krispy Kream: 5 points High-action jet flight scene: 10 points Encourages the uses of humans as guinea pigs: 10 points Marketability of spin-off, photocopied overlord brain dolls: high Overall: (15 + 10 – 5 + 20 + 10 + 5 + 10 + 10) added to the price of spin-off, photocopied overlord brain dolls should they be marketed under Almost Dragonic inc. = the rating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted January 9, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2004 "The Porkening" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told somewhere inbetween pizza chefs and swine spirits: 10 points The swine spirits are not a form of liquor, but a ghost: -5 points Lack of disgusting, swine spirit liquor: 15 points Suggestion that narrator may have been under the influence of swine spirit liquor when writing this: 20 points The specific, capitalized sound of the thumb breaking, which also suggests substance abuse: 5 points Double-meaning used for the word "Dough": 5 points Use of the phrase "umm..." without fortune tellers noticing: 10 points Scares people from buying bacon pizza, thus leaving the reader with an urge for fresh, hot donuts from Krispy Kreme: 100 points Overall: (15 + 10 - 5 + 15 + 20 + 5 + 5 + 10 + 100) minus the number of times Aardvark has spiked Wyvern's drink with swine spirits = the rating. "Sentinel" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person to the fifth dimension: 10 points Narrated in the present in the future: 10 points The Endless reaches its end: 15 points Dominant captain of the Endless comes from a rural family of hillbillies: 10 points The captain still acts like a sissy when he notices the derelict powering up: -5 points A single derelict outpowered a dreaded naught running about endlessly: 15 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 15 + 10 - 5 + 15) added to the profits that come about from the major motion picture version = the rating. "Secrecy" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Protagonist dies unexpectedly at the end: 10 points Achmed jumps up and down in place, only to have a jump rope dropped to him afterwards: 5 points Senseitive wordplay: 5 points Black arts are discriminated against: -10 points The protagonist has the nickname Viz, and The Viz Never Sleeps: 15 points Achmed loses time by pondering the importance of timing: 10 points Mentions Gauntlets, but is in fact more similar to Prince of Persia: 2 lawsuites Antagonist wins - Fatality: 50 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5 - 10 + 15 + 10 + 50) times the amount of preemptive bribe money Aardvark has chosen to incorporate at this point = the rating. "Duel" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points The inebriated duelist exits victorious: 20 points Psychic blows used a medium for shutting up noisy, annoying dogs: 10 points Traditional drug laws prohibiting duelists to "take hits" are incorporated: -5 points The power of the "hits" are still felt by spectators miles away: 10 points Mundane car alarms are set off: -5 points The names of the duelists allude to the concept of Civil War, but fortunatly the black arts are not discriminated against: 5 points A self explanatory dueling law that promotes destruction: 5 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 20 + 10 - 5 + 10 - 5 + 5 + 5) to the power of X where X is equal to the number of hours Wyvern is allowed to be the bookie for these duelists = the rating. "Lynne" Brutal and Direct: 15 points Told in a framed narrative - third person from first person: 20 points Emotional and evocative: 40 points Avoids sentimentality while still being touching: 20 points Gertrude-Stein-type long sentences: 0 points Non-Gertrude-Stein-type writing: 10 points + 5 points for relief Neato car blown to smithereens: 10 points if it was a Civic, -10 points if it was a Viper. Sense of regret from narrator at the end while still leaving the reader with a warm, fuzzy feeling: 20 points Lack of comedy in this particular response: hey... how the heck was I supposed to know that Aardvark writes sane stories as well?! Overall: (15 + 20 + 40 + 20 + 0 + 10 + 5 +/- 10 + 20) minus the number of minutes Wyvern is scolded for making this commentary semi-serious = the rating. "Suicide" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Irony of this small segment getting 14 responses while other Aardvark stories get 0-3: 14 points Likelihood of this being attributed to attention spans: high Leaves reader with a cold, sickly feeling: 15 points Story convinces Gwaihir to summon gnomish pixie elves: 10 points Story leads into a discussion about Board Policies: -80 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 14 + 15 + 10 -80) + I (Incomplete) = the rating. "Exerpts" Passive and direct: 10 points Told in first person: 10 points The Creator turns out to be a geek who uses terms like "infinitesimally" and "illtimings": 0 points Excessive nerd talk is replaced with "yadda yadda": 20 points Humankinds fate ultimately rests in your reading the logs: 20 points Sleep-inducingly scientific: -20 points Quietly rests inbetween "Sentinel" and "Colonisation": 5 points Random reality rifts thrown in for effect: 5 bonus points Overall: (10 + 10 + 0 + 20 + 20 - 20 + 5 + 5) plus the amount these planetologist logs go for on e-bay times the amount of profits that Wyvern gets for them = the rating. "Background" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Djinn's incorporated without a single Jafar reference or so much as a peep from Robin Williams: 20 points Protagonist lives to see another day: 5 points Suleiman looks like a pirate at the end, but never kills a ninja: -10 points Protagonist makes the Guiness Book of World Records for screams, his heart stopping before his vocal cords do: 20 points "Nanotoknonnen-Os" not plugged as Suleiman's favorite cereal: -5 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 20 + 5 - 10 + 20 - 5) to the power of the number of corrupt wishes Wyvern gets granted = the rating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 (edited) Tales from the AardvarkOrderly, informative, straight to the point: -5Superior ratings system chosen: 25Additional criteria added without obtaining legal permission: -10Demonstrates actual knowledge of story content: 16Rated an incomplete story that made it onto the board due to mindless error: 20Gave it a bad rating: -100Blamed it on responses: -100Non-uniform result tally system: 50 Dared to ponder the notion that this thread was forgotten: -1500 Overall: (-5+20-10+16+20-100-100+50-1500) Log(Number of times Aardvark has signed an Almost Dragonic flashpaper contract with spontaneously combustible ink) = The Rating Edited January 11, 2016 by Aardvark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted August 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2004 "Three point five" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told through a classroom dialogue: 10 points/-5 points if homework is assigned Emma and Jonathan's predictions are predictable: 0 points The notion that Emma and Jonathan's future will not be bright due to their predictability: 20 points Antagonist tries to out-argue a puke-inducingly small child, but fails: -10 points Alien death machines from stories like "Patience" referenced: 5 points Leaves reader with the urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat themselves over the head for not realizing the merits of 3.5 second clairvoyance earlier: -15 points Overall: (15 + 10/- 5 + 0 + 20 -10 + 5 - 15) divided by the number of times Aardvark has assumed a thread is over and given it a bad review = the rating. "Decision" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person by a demon: 15 points Classy uses of antique revolvers, EvilSchemes, and ruptured stomach lining: 10 points It is revealed that the Prince of Darkness has a "thing" for men in white coats: -5 points Lucifer notes the freezing position of the victims abs: -5 points The man finds that he's risked his life and health to save a purse full of money, thereby proving that he's taken a noble path: 20 points Gunshots compared to noisy, annoying dog barks: 10 points Overall: (15 + 15 + 10 - 5 - 5 + 20 + 10) minus the amount currently owed for "Tales from the Aardvark" including interest = the rating. "ultimatum" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Dignified "no risk profit" muggers, with weekly interval business plans and olde English dialect: 30 points The lead mugger makes the Guiness Book of World Records for running time, and is listed only a page away from the bandit in "Background": 20 points Action sequence involving three opposing parties, at different intervals: 5 points Mugger carelessly drops his "bling bling" out of fear: 5 unrealistic points Provides a continuation to "Duel," thereby showing signs of consistancy: -80 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 30 + 20 + 5 + 5 - 80) plus the amount of geld payed to Wyvern in the hopes of convincing him that consistancy is a good thing = the rating. "Canticle" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Old Mother Hubbards secret identity revealed, but deadly curd experiments not mentioned: 0 points Narrator puts the 3.5 second clairvoyance learned from other classes to use: 10 points Deviation from singing results in the doubling of allowance money: 20 points "Incy Wincy Spider" is called wimpy while "Happy Birthday" is thought to be angelic: -10 points Sepultra shamelessly plugged: 5 bonus points Overall: (15 + 10 + 0 + 10 + 20 - 10 + 5) added to the number of Sepultra albums sold through Almost Dragonic Promotions = the rating. "Lanner" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Protaganist avoids l33t speak and whines in proper English: 10 points Big ego contests involving riced up computers: -10 points Poetic justice in the gaming death of Battlegrounds 2942: 10 points Portable machete is not part of the narrators computer case rice: 30 points Leaves reader with a cold, sticky feeling and no urge to drink cool, refreshing sodas available at the nearest Krispy Kream outlet: 0 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 - 10 + 10 + 30 + 0) multiplied by the amount of Almost Dragonic Brand Spyware installed on Aardvarks computer after reading this review = the rating. "Red Light" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Narrator is a pinball-addicted, streetsmart nobody: 10 points Narrator gains the respect of neighborhood kids through their care for money: 30 points Protagonists extra money is wisely spent on chocolate, and evidence is cunningly destroyed: 10 points A "Slightly-Greatly-Critically" large buildup involving the WestLakers: 5 NBA bonus points Beautiful, Wyvern-like crimson red light is replaced with a boring, Kendricke-like proud white light: - 10 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 30 + 10 + 5 - 10) divided by the number of times Wyvern gets scolded for that last comment plus the number of times Wyvern gets praised for that last comment = the rating. "If only" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Death is given severity levels: 10 points Mrs. Feldman can work a communications matrix on her roof, but doesn't understand that her son is dead: 20 points Failure to mention the more advanced and affordable methods of immortality offered by Galgo corporations: -10 points Blue gelatin is incorporated in the revitalization process, proving that J-E-L-L-O has come a long way: 5 points Intense description of the scrubbing of every inch of David's body: -5 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 20 - 10 + 5 - 5) to the power of the number of revitilization engines Aardvark allows Wyvern to sponsor = the rating. "Interview" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told through film-fanatic interview dialogue: 15 points Multiple connotations for how many Blood Slaughterfest "grossed": 5 points French alternative title "Le Titty Grabass" is not corrected by the word "freedom," but is described as "yadda yadda yadda": 5 points 3 word one-liners and special effects overrule artistic vision: 10 points Internet piracy is responsible for the death of family cinema: 20 points Laughter comes in "Canned," "Light," and "Real" flavors: 30 points Overall: (15 + 15 + 5 + 5 + 10 + 20 + 30) minus the square root of the cost of licensing Blood Slaughterfest in video game format = the rating. Note: points attributed to Aardvark stories will remain in the low range until "Tales from the Aardvark" recieves a non-negative score. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted January 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 "Chance" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Overload of numbers that leaves the reader with the urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat self over the head: -20 points AD&D dice terminology used in life or death situations: 5 bonus points The triple six roll minus the five rounds in the gun still adds up to a score of thirteen: 13 points The sixteen years of the protagonists life divided by the square root of the fourty seven times he's attempted suicide multiplied by the fifteen millimeters of the dice is equal to an overload of numbers that leaves the reader with the urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat self over the head: -20 points "Any Given Moment" plug: 100 points Overall: (15 + 10 - 20 + 5 + 13 - 20 + 100) plus the number of Russian Roulette gambling missions Aardvark is willing to run for Wyvern = the rating. "Paper's Edge" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Story itself is typed out, and contains no signature in blood: -10 points/-15 points for vampires. Mighty pens are referred to as "broken," "empty," and "useless.": -20 points The novel makes the cut in the end: 15 points Potential publisher aura is used to an unknown effect: 5 points Gives new meaning to the phrase "bloody flawless": 10 points Overall: (15 + 10 - 10/15 - 20 + 15 + 5 + 10) times the number of Almost Dragonic Brand Biros manufactured by Aardvark = the rating. "Broken" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Protagonist enjoys sniffing fried silicon: 10 points Complex terminology such "solarplexis" and "plastiskin" used alongside the name "Ng": 5 points Notion that logic circuits weren't the only thing powerdrained by the Female Subjects comments: 5 points Protagonist insists upon "well oiled hinges" in place of a sternum: -10 points Latex gloves used: 5 bonus points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 5 + 5 - 10 + 5) divided by the cost of developing marketable upgrades for male robots to impress female subjects = the rating. "Machine" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in zee third person: 10 points Antagonist has a monocle: 10 points Antagonist speaks with a thick slavic accent: 10 points Antagonist is plotting for world domination: 0 points Chalkboard ultimately proves to be more deadly than Titanus: -5 points Titanus still proves to be an excellent piece of ceiling self-adjustment equipment: 10 points Mad Scientist Monthly contains no centerfolds: 0 points Chalkboard dies unexpectadly just before the end, by Titanus' gauge: 10 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 10 - 0 - 5 + 10 + 0 + 10) added to the number of Wyvern cameos with monacles, no hair, plans for world domination and a thick slavic accent that rip this off = the rating. "Opera" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Protagonist lives to see another day: 5 points Gunbattle that starts off with parties pulling out bigger and bigger guns: 5 points Magazines falling from the protagonists pistols contain no centerfolds: 0 points Inspiration for the Hollywood spin-off B-movie Anaconda vs. Python clearly shown: 10 points Ute destroyed/rendered inoperateable: 5 points (thanks Valdar) Protagonist performs cat rolls while carrying six firearms in front of an amateur gunslinger just for show: 10 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 5 + 5 + 0 + 10 + 5 + 10) minus the number of Almost Dragonic Brand Transport Vehicles that have been blown to smithereens in Aardvark-inspired Hollywood gun duels = the rating "Subjection" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person on principle: 10 points Protagonists denial of principles other than not tolerating cheaters: - 10 points Cheating incorporated into this A.R.S.E review: several gales of hardy laughter. Protagonist denies the connection of assassins to terrorism while exhibiting religious fanaticism: 10 points Protagonist lives to see another day: 5 points Third world children referred to as "paid": - 10 points Distinctive, male chauvinistic undertone: 15 points Overall: (15 + 10 - 10 + 10 + 5 -10 + 15) divided by any amount that Wyvern wants since he's already revealed that he's cheating = the rating. "Fronteer" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Expenses of space equipment are never overlooked: 20 points Scientist lifespans are measured in hours: 10 points Scientist vital signs make protagonist puke: 5 points Biased views against rival corporations and gun laws: -10 points Expensive space equipment mistakes nuclear missile for a spacecraft: 0 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 20 + 10 + 5 - 10 + 0) plus the quotient of the probability of this space battle originating from "Sentinel" = the rating. "Escape" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Protagonist takes a job as a flying superhero, but must still secure loans: 15 points Lack of excuse for interrupting Michael's dream of two chicks: -10 points Notion that Michael will still treat himself to scrambled eggs in the morning: 10 points Anti-smoking campaign insinuated in the corrolation between Joseph's smoking and suicidal thoughts: 15 points Full measurements of Sarah Hart not given: -10 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 15 - 10 + 10 + 15 - 10) times the number of Almost Dragonic Brand Add Campaigns Aardvark would be willing to advertise advertising advertisements for = the rating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 "Within" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in your favorite first person: 10 points Leaves reader with urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat self over the head: -15 Stephen sets the standard so low that even "mediocrity" is misspelled: 10 points Dog is used to judge the access of good and evil, rather than a lizard: -10 points Notion that narrator will install a virus on the disk with his degree from Hackmore Tech: 20 points "Dumbarses" used to indicate Stephen's proper grasp of English: 5 points, dumazz Notion that the women turned to goo that Stephen dumped will return in the form of 7-11 Cheesy Hot Pockets, avenging themselves through the miracle of gastric intestinal infection: 77 points Overall: (15 + 10 - 15 + 10 - 10 + 20 + 5 + 77) divided by the number of times that Aardvark has threatened Wyvern with an open-ended fire hydrant = the rating. "Plunge" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Protagonist lives to see another day: 5 points Narrator's heart not only thumps, but pauses to count at every fiver: 5 points Outstretched valley the color of crisp, freshly-printed dollar bills: 10 points Narrator strikes gay bird pose to not look like a frightened animal: 10 points Narrator considers being "eaten" by a "wild scavenger" once he "hits rock bottom:" -10 points He goes home redfaced, and is compared to sweatshop workers: -15 points Moral that a medkit full of morphine can cure any fear, even a wussy one like acrophobia: 20 points Tamaranis' bungee cord comment: better left out after points #6-#8 Overall: (15 + 10 + 5 + 5 + 10 + 10 - 10 - 15 + 20) added to the number of days that Aardvark feigns to not realize how old these stories are = the rating. "Colonisation" Brutal and jumbled together: 15 points Told in third milennium person: 15 points Thread forms a Mighty Pen Alpha betting SOUP: 10 poster points Wyvern post pertaining to bloodsucking patriots included: 100 points World War Three makes way for battlefield of posts: 10 points Vishnu uses probe as diaper, while Izanagi goes senile: 10 points points 90% of probe brains managed by engineer/scientist squares: -10 points Story posts organized in a manner that amuses Aardvark: -50 points Thread resulted in Aardvark moving up in rank: -50 points Aardvark posing as Uncle Sam: 0 points, but damn appropriate. Overall: (15 + 15 + 10 + 100 + 10 + 10 - 10 - 50 - 50 - 0) to the infinitive of the number of pennites that posted in this thread and later were driven to clobber Aardvark with a quill = the rating. "Jack" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Scientists gain 'net cred by jumping machines: 10 points Jack views humans as a series of ones, as well as zeroes like the narrator: 20 points Story includes consistent witty parley between all parties: 20 points Witty parley is all in indecipherable internet code: -20 points Mental Wetware Error leads to story being posted: 10 points Jack's avatar similar to that of Aardvark: 0 eery points Narrator learns Jack over the course of the story: 20 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 10 + 20 + 20 - 20 + 10 + 0 + 20) times the number of universal popup advertisements Jack can endow Almost Dragonic Inc. with = the rating. "Taxi" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in first person: 10 points Protagonist drives a riced-up Holden: -5 points Still burns rubber with triple-diget endorsements: 25 points Scientific discussion of cab life expectancy made fun through funkay hip hop slang: 10 points Notion that cab chase scene may have involved a police helicopter for no good reason: 5 points Dodgy russian accent, but no mention of how "Taxi drives you" in Soviet Russia: -5 points Waving arms and yelling "TAXI" stops Falcon, but not his Reply Raven: 0 points "Belongs in Reader's Digest" critique: made irrelevent by belief that it may be a true narrative later in commentary. Overall: (15 + 10 - 5 + 25 + 10 + 5 - 5 + 0) minus the number of times that Aardvark has expected Wyvern to not worry about collecting his change = the rating. "Nobility" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Antagonist dies and is a puke-inducingly cute small child without homicidal tendencies: 100 points Motorbike not only used as badass assassin decor: -20 points Protagonist locks all the bathrooms in the plant, but unlocks the "rector floor": -20 points Powerplant security doubling as janitorial staff for cost efficiency: 10 points Protagonist's assassination technique is almost as over-the-top as his "Terminator" wardbrobe: 10 points Chopper referenced, but not used in a random chase scene: -5 points Ayshela's request for Almost Dragonic Brand Unglue (now available in three tasteless flavors!) never followed up: -30 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 100 - 20 - 20 + 10 + 10 - 5 - 30) divided by the number of times that Aardvark has ratted on Almost Dragonic Brand Ungl(ue)ow Sticks for having remenants of nuclear waste = the rating. "Runner" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in third person: 10 points Text reads like a guidebook detailing etiquette for the proper paranoid delusionist: 30 points Protagonist "owns" a Charger, Viper, Monaro, F250, Moke, Bug, and a Mightyboy. No riced-up Honda Civics in sight, thankfully: 0 points Guidebook for the proper hobo suggested through newspaper blanket, but never followed up: -10 points Lack of keen eyes and careful ears in the reader implicit in the narrator's statements: 10 points Notion that invisible men may be reading this: 20 points Suggestion tha- IGNORE THIS REVIEW Overall: (15 + 10 + 30 + 0 - 10 + 10 + 20 +) NOTHING TO SEE HERE "Collectors" Brutal and direct: 15 points Told in ebriated third person: 10 points Cats given preference to squirrels in "Name That Roadkill": 5 points Story includes three sided babble that doesn't involve the law somewhere: 20 points Narrative fufills the initial expectations for a hobo guidebook set in "Runner": 10 points Protagonist drinks canned beer beverages while driving, rather than hard liquor: -10 points Protagonists fail to collect a freeway entrance sign in their booze run: -5 points Story leaves the reader with a warm, sickly feeling: 10 points Failure to include Bruteweiser plug: -5 points Overall: (15 + 10 + 5 + 20 + 10 - 10 - 5 + 10 -5) multiplied by the number of Bruteweisers Aardvark can typically consume in one sitting = the rating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts