iroti

It's pretty fluid, and rhymes quite well. I really dislike the beginning though...which knocks it off balance since I think the beginning and end should summarize (and yes it does, but...) powerfully the poem's theme or message. "I hate you I hate you...etc." sounds like a child having a tantrum. As if one of those angsty teen poems about cutting and depression because they aren't understood or were cheated on is going to come about...but it just seems like that because the rest of the poem is pretty steady and very cool in its progression. Some of the rhymes could be cut off because they seem a little more juvenile or silly compared to some of the many greats ones in here like, " I hate you and wait with you go out and date with you mate with you" Mate with you? Yes, were animals, but being how deep this poem is, that kind of sounds funny. As does the date part, which doesn't need to be pointed out because its obvious from what is said...and copulation was already spoken about. It's like you are repeating yourself just in different rhyme; some times less is more. I think it could be cut out. Other than that, I think it's a neat poem that depicts your emotion perfectly. It sounds like it could be a song! You are very well-versed. Great piece.

In reference to the first poem posted: It's a poignant poem indeed. It draws you into an atmosphere of longing and helplessness...also helplessness between the relationship of the people. How one is holding on, yet in the end, they just need to let go...and move on. It's the end of it. However, in the first section, though it is free verse, it doesn't seem like a poem. More like a journal, and you are just writing down your feelings. It's not too consistent or flowing; free verse or any poem, in my opinion, seem to have fluent, consistent rhythm, and somes times it come off a bit stagnant and dry. IE.-'I don't know how much longer I can handle this Maybe it's obsession, maybe it's love It doesn't matter, the future is blank...' It's blunt...and lacks fluidity. It's as if someone just jotted it down in a diary. I think the second section is the best and most moving. Keep writing like that; I skimmed your other poems which I think shine brighter than this one, yet still have this issue on occasion. It needs some polishing, but is a nice concept and exudes emotion.