Cerenza Posted August 27, 2005 Report Share Posted August 27, 2005 Hey guys!' It`s been some time now...lol Been super bissy and stuff, but yesterday I was just sitting here and suddenly a little poem took root in my mind. I have`nt set a title for it yet...and it`s not done yet. lol Or atleast I think so. When I read through it, it`s like there is something missing.. Enyway here is what I have so far ** I miss you in a thousand diffrent ways. When I feel the moonlight stroke my skin as I lay in bed. I miss you. When in my dreams you come...the sun sets and the stars call...I feel your breath. But then the sun rises and the stars fall...you are gone. And I miss you... ** Well..what you think so far? Eny suggestions on how to continue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted August 29, 2005 Report Share Posted August 29, 2005 Greetings Cerenza, and welcome back to the Pen. I think that the piece you have here is a good starting outline for your poem, as the concept and direction have been set. I think what the poem needs most at the moment is expansion, as these few lines leave only a vague impression of the feelings and message you may have been trying to convey. In my opinion, you may want to go into greater detail about what the narrator misses about her friend exactly, as apart from the detail of the person's breath it's difficult to grasp the narrator's current emotions and situation. In terms of structure, I felt that the frequent uses of elipses disrupted the flow of the piece a bit, and you may want to consider replacing them with some alternate form of punctuation. Also, though more of a minor concern: you might want to run the piece through spell check next time before posting it. ;-) I thought that the image of the moonlight stroking the narrator's skin was very nice, though I felt the punctuation of the line was a bit awkward. I liked how the image seemed to insinuate the narrator's sensual involvement with her missing friend without being too direct about it. :-) You may want to consider this as a direction for revising and broadening the details of the relationship, and I look forward to reading revisions. Note: thread not moved to Writer's Workshop, as the forum is not accessible to Cerenza. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerenza Posted August 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2005 Thank you so much for the tips and for replying I will sertinly take your advice and work some more on it It is good to have a place such as this to come to and get advice etc. I sincerely thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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