Yuki Kokoro

Echoes of forgotten dreams

bounce and clatter in my mind

tumbling through old memories

shredding perceptions of time

 

And though it seems just yesterday

yet oh so many years ago

that I was here last, writing here last

What a long strange trip it's been

 

Last line copywrite of Grateful Dead, but somehow it really seemed like it belonged there, so I borrowed it.

 

Two new possible lines:

 

"Just yesterday, a mere block from here"

or

"Colors burn behind closed eyes"

Yuki's smile fades as she hears the second prediction and wonders about the last. Does this mean she is destined to kiss someone at the kissing booth again, or did Xaious's future sight somehow slip into the past? And what about that second kiss....?

 

Well if it's really a fortune whatever was supposed to happen would happen, she thought to herself as she wandered away. Stopping to wipe off her shoe in a patch of grass with a grimace she wandered off in the direction of the Dunk Tank.

 

This should be interesting since she was apparently going to dunk Wyvern three times, but had horrible aim...

Curiosity piqued by the booth Yuki stops to see what will supposedly happen to her before the carnival ends. Placing 10 geld on the counter she clears her throat to attract the attention of the booth manager.

*bounces in blowing on a noise-maker and scattering confetti* Happy Birthday Arashi! Congratulations on being old and all adult-ish!

Happy Birthday Nyyark! Best wishes for a great day! (or that you had a great day, depending on where you are...)

Some of the stressed syllables in these are forced, but if they can be read as Iambic Pentameter is it still acceptable?

 

Anyway, I felt like a challenge tonight so here are my two tries at a sonnet:

 

 

I throw my towel in and throw up walls

As life becomes too much for me some days,

My trust and hope in those around me palls

If just because I cannot open up

To joy and love and all life’s mysteries.

My fear of hurting others; being hurt,

My nervousness at new things going wrong,

Will cripple me for life unless I jump

Headlong into the things that scared me once.

Though means I risk my life and limb to throngs

Of strangers pushing me all different ways,

Continued happiness must mean new change.

But how can one work past the fear life brings

Having been hurt by many different things?

 

~~~~~~~

 

This one doubles as an answer to the challenge Finnius put forth in this thread and there you will find the other version before I finished smashing it into sonnet form and taking it even further from the original.

 

Belief in love, belief in fate, belief

That debts cannot be paid by anyone

Surely not me, made blind by debt’s debris

I stumble, and remorse makes my heart scream.

Distraught I long for love's music now gone

In search of better ears not drown in beats

As mine hear everything, my heart and yours.

I think and sigh for days they’d beat in time

But though I once thought two would always twine

Time now has torn them both apart and I

Can only wish for days once Heaven-sent.

It pains me so that our love could not be

For though it seems that I was wrong for you

You always felt so truly right for me.

 

 

P.S. - Other people should give this a go! Stretch your poetic muscles!

I've been pondering Alaeha's challange of writing a sonnet but feeling no inspiration for a topic I decided to try to re-write this poem in sonnent form (because right now I seem to be a glutton for a challenge).

 

You can find it in true sonnet form here, this is the first version and slightly less altered from the original if you can believe that.

 

Belief in love, belief in fate, belief

That debts cannot be paid by anyone

Surely not me, made blind by debt’s debris

I stumble, faltering as I hear screams.

Longing instead for music heard, now gone

In search of better ears not drown in beats

As mine hear everything, my heart and yours.

I think and sigh for days they’d beat in time

But though I once thought two would always twine

Time now has torn them both apart and I

Can only wish in heart for happy days

Once Heaven-sent, now muffled out by pain.

It hurts me so that our love could not be

For though I seem so wrong for you

You felt so right for me.

 

 

Constructive Criticism:

My only real problem with the first version is how loosely it ties together. The first two stanzas seem like separate thoughts and only the final two really strengthen each other. This could be do to the poem not focusing on one thing solidly or it could be the fact that there is not enough elaboration for the reader to follow the logic shifts made by the speaker. I don’t really think I fixed that problem very well considering that the second half of my poem seems much more coherent than the first, but I hope it kind of makes sense.

 

Looking back I think it might be helpful to try to tie in the believe in fate to the end of the relationship, the fact that the two were “not right” for each other could easily be made into a concept about fate and would help tie the beginning to the end.

I liked this; it was sweet and simple. The single lines helped the rhyme from seeming constricting and repetitive and made the poem fall into a good rhythm for me.

 

I especially like the last line, it was a slight surprise and I finished the poem with a smile on my face.

"Irony, it would seem, is the joke that's heard after" I really like this line and it's one of the best descriptions of irony I've seen.

 

I loved this section as well:

"But something inside

Curls up and dies

When slowly their friends wash away.

What can they do

But be washed away too--

Where are the children to play?"

 

You've expressed some deep thoughts very eloquently in many of these poems, I really enjoyed all of them but I think my other favorite would have to be:

"So I may never worry

How far you dare look past."

 

I think they all flow well too, they're easy to read and pull you in, I especially like the loose rhyme scheme most of them use. Your poetry keeps getting better, I look forward to seeing more whenever you get the time.

More thoughts on the same topic:

 

 

You and I broke up today

I suppose the end was inevitable

But still it hurt

I cried for a while

Then whimpered for a while

Then sniffled for a while

Then felt more calm

 

I thought I was doing ok until I said it aloud

That we were no longer together

And the tears came back

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

My life is littered with memories of you

I still have your letterman’s jacket

You told me I could keep it no matter what happened

That you didn’t want it back

 

I have your pillow

It sits among mine, the odd one out, but the one I sleep with most often

I have two of your shirts

And I sleep with them too, as nightshirts

A picture of the two of us sits in my living room

We smile and my arms are wrapped around your neck

(possible only because you are sitting)

I have all the emails we’ve exchanged

Saved in a folder, never to be deleted

I have the notes you’ve written me

Sitting on a shelf between my poetry books

The email I sent you on our one year anniversary is still in my writing folder

 

And oddly enough I am in no hurry to get rid of these things, or forget them

I want to remember

Although one day I’m sure I’ll offer,

Asking if you want your things back

For now I’ll hold them

And sleep with them

And remember

This might be trash but I'm really not up to judging so I figured I'd just share it. I unashamedly admit that this is purging (though I have done some editing), rather than high art and this topic has been done to death. So feel free to critique, but please don’t rip them apart. Later I might post in the Writer's Workshop when I look at them again and decide whether to rework them or not.

 

Explanation: First one is a purely emotional response, the second is a description in the hopes that the details will inspire emotion, something Wyvern has mentioned. Obviously I didn't take out all of the emotion, but whatever.

 

 

My teeth chatter as the screen blurs through my tears

More pain, tears and heart has gone into this than anything I’ve been through before

…and now it’s over

 

But the pain doesn’t stop

The crying doesn’t stop

The longing doesn’t stop

 

So why did I even do it

The reasons seem so worthless now

Though I go through all this pain

 

Youth is painful

Youth heartbreak more so

And right now I wish I could leave it

Abandon it, deceive it

Convince it I’m ok

That I’ll be fine

A hundred billion million have been through this before

But I want to scream it out anyway

Insist I hurt the most

 

No one else loves this deeply this young

No one else has been in love with the same frustrating horrible wonderful man I have

I want pity, I want sympathy

I want everyone to look at me

And exclaim “how brave she is,

To do this, to go through this”

But all my thoughts will do is whimper

And all my heart will do is cry

 

 

~~~~~~

 

 

You asked me to call today,

Saying we needed to talk

I didn’t want to have a serious talk

Just like I haven’t been wanting to recently

Knowing when it ends I am likely to be crying

For one reason or another

But I called

You expressed disappointment that we wouldn’t be able to see each other this weekend

I agreed

And I really was sad

I still love seeing you

Just not as much as I used to

 

You were hurt I hadn’t been calling you as much anymore

You knew I’d been busy, and visiting family

But even I know I could’ve looked harder and found the time

You said that when only one person is trying,

There isn’t much of a relationship

I agreed

Resisting the urge to remind you of all the times you’d promised to try

And fell through

 

You asked what was going on

“Do you still want to be a couple?”

And my heart cracked

Because I didn’t know

And I told you so

‘I still love doing things with you’

‘When I'm sad I still want a hug from you'

‘But no longer a kiss’

‘I still love talking to you’

‘But I’m not as excited to tell you every little thing that happened during my day’

 

“That’s kind of what I figured”

I could hear the sigh in your voice

“Can I call you back?”

And I said yes

 

And for twenty minutes my heart broke

Thinking of the wonderful times we’ve had

And would never have again

 

You called back

And there was silence

‘I don’t know what to say’

Spoken with a broken voice,

Coming from a broken heart

“I don’t know what to do”

You reply

“I guess it’s a shame it didn’t happen earlier”

“Have fun in college I suppose”

“May you have a good life”

‘I hope to at least talk to you again’

“It’s really up to you”

“But I don’t think I’ll ever call you”

“This last month you haven’t even been much of a friend”

Heart begins to shatter

‘I’m very sorry’

“You’re forgiven I guess?”

Heart shatters further

‘I have the best wishes and hopes for you as well’

“See you around”

‘I hope s-’

“Goodbye”

‘Goodb-’

Click.

 

And the pieces fall

Cutting all the way down

 

 

The next section, minus the last four lines was originally between "Click" and the final two lines. But I decided I liked the poem better without it so now it's just going to hang out until I decide what to do with it.

 

…

You promised me once

You said we could still be friends

And we'd still talk

No matter what happened

I promised I’d love you forever

Even if we went our separate ways

And I do

You said the same

Said you wouldn’t cut me completely out

Now your bitterness and hurt kills me

Because I know you’ll bottle it inside

And I know it will kill you too

And I’m no longer in a position to help

That hurts perhaps worst of all

"Well this looks like it's going to be a lot of fun," Yuki thinks to herself as she explores the newly set up Carnival. Hearing voices and laughter she follows the sound around a corner to investigate and comes across the Kissing Booth.

 

A half-smile appears as she digs into her belt-purse and drops a pile of coins onto the counter with a soft chorus of clinks. Salinye picks up the Geld as the young woman leans in and kisses Zool on the corner of the mouth. Then the elf begins to protest, "Excuse me miss, but it's-", before she is cut off by the customer leaning farther over the counter to give Ayshela a kiss on the cheek.

 

Giving a smile to first the pleased and amused Zool, then the once again surprised Ayshela, Yuki calls out a thank you to both Kissing Booth "volunteers" as she goes off to see what else there is to do at the Carnival with a bounce in her step.

 

Looking down at the 10 Geld in her hand Salinye shrugs and puts in in a jar, waving to the departing Yuki before noticing Ayshela who is facing her in a determined stance with her hands on her hips.

I really enjoyed this as well, I liked the simplicity and I found it added to the worn down atmosphere and honest emotions.

 

The format made for an interesting read too, the lines broken into short phrases slowed down my reading which made the tone come through even more clearly. "Relief..." was read as a long sigh and the repeated "I/ Get/ Home/ Eventually" also had a relieved feel, like those final slow steps of a long journey. Those repeated four words also made for a visually appealing pattern in my eyes with the two block stanzas in the middle.

 

This brief glimpse into a moment of calm created a peaceful mood that also made me take a moment to stop and breath. It was a refreshing piece, thank you for sharing it, and I hope your schedule eases off a bit soon.

Hey look, two poems at once!

 

I like the contrast of these two poems even though the subject matter is the same. This is a more straightforward and serious look at the topic and it was especially interesting hear how the speaker's view on religion started, "i wanted to be open minded/ so i turned a blind eye to the bible".

 

I think the fifth stanza is my favorite: "i kept the guilt, though/ slept with it under my pillow/ and took it with me everywhere/ it was my greatest friend"; recognizing this is a big step. Interesting that here guilt is mentioned, where in the other poem the speaker claims he wants only "Heaven and charity".

 

Thanks for sharing both of these, it's good to see your writing again.

I like this quite a bit, and good job with the extended cheeseburger metaphor. The speakers feelings and situation come across clearly and just by his replies you can tell the person he's talking to is patiently explaining things.

 

It's always interesting to see people examine parts of themselves and the poetry that comes out of it is often wonderful and meaningful. I like the way you dealt with these thoughts, both the clarity of emotion and how clearly and creatively you got the situation across. Nice job Falcon.

I've missed a lot, and I think I'll celebrate my return by leaving comments on the "Observations" that struck me as the most interesting. My apologies for being so late in getting these to you.

 

You've developed quite the talent for capturing complex emotions with concrete descriptions. It really is amazing how much feeling 3/14/04 brings out when the impressions of the speaker (or describer?) are not mentioned. The reader gets to witness this event second-hand and have their own reaction to it. Since this is such a loaded conversation, my personal reaction was very strong. It's an interesting style, the reader’s response is lead by the narrative, but the details are so like witnessing the conversation the feelings can't help but be personal. I liked this one a lot.

 

The third observation for 3/25-28/04 was another one I really liked. The child's attitude just makes me smile. I actually feel proud of him, that he stands up and takes credit for what he did accomplish rather than listening to the teacher tell him what he didn't. It's a refreshing attitude, though it could be trouble over an extended period of time.

 

5/22/04 made me laugh, it reminds me of myself trying to start writing a poem. I really liked the last two lines: "a stranglehold, a noose of inspiration/ tightly knit through self-depreciation." Not only the meaning, but that rhyme just sounds cool.

 

The last poem of your last post made me think as well. That word and it's synonyms are all so loaded with connotations. As I read the last line my impression flashed from ironic to sad and back to ironic so quickly I had to go back to figure out what the middle feeling was. Not sure what to say about this one other than I enjoyed it and you know how to pick interesting Observations.

 

Keep it up!

Hey all, I realize I’ve been absent lately and unfortunately this is just a notice that I will continue to be absent a while longer. I am taking a swimming trip in April and between training and homework I haven’t had much free time.

 

Now the trip is coming up and I realize I’m not going to have free time ‘til well after, so until the end of April, I’m going to be missing this place and it’s inhabitants. Farewell and have fun! (Especially with BPO’s Quill Quest, that sounds great!)

Yuki runs up and huggles Wyvern.

 

Happy Belated Birthday! Very sorry I missed it, but I wish you a very happy day all the same.

 

On her way out she leaves a book of poetry where is it likely to be found, with "Wyvern" sticky-noted to the front.

First piece:

 

The first stanza was powerful and such a strong contrast between the two possibilities was thought-provoking. I really liked the conversational explanation in the third stanza as well.

 

The lines about the "Chick-Fil-A chef" read very oddly, but slowing down and taking the time to imagine them being said aloud helped. These lines surprised me: "See the supervisor, his white skin gleaming with pride/ as he oversees the cafeteria-plantation" it's intriguing to be given a scene then hearing a take on it I never would have thought of.

 

My favorite was definitely the last stanza though. "Hesitation looms as the disappointment in his tone screams 'Why can't you just read the material for once?!'" This is something my English teacher is going through as well, all the seniors are excited about our upcoming graduation and reading is being put by the wayside. Very nice job describing the aura created by that feeling.

 

 

Second piece:

 

This whole description seems so lonely. So many lines like:: "desperately reaching," "has yet to ever touch a demo tape," "hopelessly stranded," "rarely touched, only fiddled with once," and, "cold gray of it's surface". Right down to "Well, it looks like I lied again" this whole poem seems... at least melancholy, but I think the tone is more sad.

 

A tiny piece of styrofoam,

hopelessly stranded on

an Ocean of metallic silver

and

A needlessly transparent unit

which, for all it's colorful pomposity,

has yet to ever touch a demo tape

were my favorite visuals.

 

This was interesting. More of a dialogue/description than a poem, especially with the reference to when the lines were written. It was almost a shock to be pulled out of the description so suddenly like that, you did such a good job bringing the reader into the room.

 

 

Nice job overall with both of these, it was cool to see some pieces so stylistically different.

 

*yawns and wanders off to bed as her brain fries*

Each word is candy to my ears

A feast laced inside every word

Filling my head with wonderful colors

This is an excellent description of a voice, and "As if kissing the world with every smile" is wonderful as well. You have a good grasp on imagery.

 

"Speaking sweetly and softly/ As you threaten him with bodily harm"... how strange? It caught me off guard, but is a personal detail, which tends to help poetry; it helped make the character more real.

 

"And I will in turn kiss you good night," this is an interesting way to end it considering most of the rest reads more like watching from afar. After reading some of your other stuff I think I like this more forward approach, it's different, more hopeful.

I really enjoyed this, the sense that the speaker can't let go, but can't stand to be too close either. The short sentences and confusion bring this out even more strongly; both characters are so torn.

 

The confusion and almost anger I hear in he speaker is nearly as painful as the hurt of the partner. "He just shrugs and sighs," "then he softly cries", this painful confusion shows that there is real love there. It's so hard when one person wants something different than those who love them. Hopperwolf brought up an interesting point though, I may sympathize with him more because any part he has had in this situation is unrevealed.

 

My only other lingering thought is that I'm not sure whether I like the exclamation points. Simply starting the lines with: Don't. or Don't, bring the same pause and demand because it's on its own line, but keep away the... demanding feeling. I realized that I read those lines as more of a plea, a manipulative plea perhaps, but still a plea. Not sure if that's how it's supposed to read though.

 

Very nice poem, glad you shared it.

You have such a talent for making poems read and flow well without rhyme; your cadence is so natural. That made this a particular delight to read and pulled me along.

 

The first stanza was the strongest in my eyes and made a good opening with the image of a child beginning to cry on a battle field.

If there’s one thing you’ll remember

It’s that the truth hurts more than the lies

I liked these lines and the acknowledgment of how much truth hurts; you can no longer deny the pain and lies are so much more comforting. The line following them was good as well: "And you’ll never forget the wounds that are your core". This shows just how deeply pain affects people, wounds are most likely to sink down to the core, but it is also the most painful thing to have in your heart.

 

Ending the poems with the repetition of these lines was a good choice in my opinion, as they make a good summery of the ideas presented. “This fragile little ghost” was a powerful image in the last stanza, tying back to the crying child on the battle field; the “echo of a past you wish you could let go” was very relatable as well.

 

One lingering thought is how open to interpretation this poem is. Many of your poems leave me with emotions, then looking back on it I realize that you never specifically mention what you’re talking about. Every reader can take these feelings and make them their own, applied to any situation they can relate to. It’s an interesting approach.

 

Wonderful poem and I was glad to read it, I would be glad to read more or a revised version as well if you ever do decided to return to it.

Hello and welcome. Nice poem, the broken structure and hurried tone works well with your topic of fear and I liked the lines: "He asked the things/ she dared not say".

 

Good luck with your application and I'm sure you'll be fine. Just don't let our Elder of Recruits buy the rights to your free samples.

Happy Birthday! *passes out cake* I hope you enjoy/enjoyed it.

Yuki freezes in her tracks. She could be heard to reply: "Yes, oh great Loremaster," however, as she turns around a soft mumble was also detectable, "requires coffee indeed, geez".

 

Nevertheless, Yuki scurries off to get a mug from the Belchfire Cafe, the most probable source of good coffee she can think of. When she returns she presents Ozy with his coffee, along with a pat on the head then runs to her room, glancing around her nervously looking out for other laz- busy Elders. Before going in she quickly hangs a sign reading: "Busy with errands from Elders much more important than you. Do Not Disturb".