Jareena Faye

Yay! Very thank you, friends, for the praise (and for your crits, Wyv! I just knew there'd be at least one awkward rhythm in there).

One note is that the last line wasn't actually meant to be hopeless... When I give up the hopeless fight, I'm letting God fight for me.

God bless, and happy post-Easter!

It is really just wrong that this poem has no comments. You should continue to write this poetry, both for yourself and for this loved one. It's all so simply stated--- and very good.

God bless.

A moth to flame and I to sin.

When did this sick game begin,

Chasing

And racing

To see who would die first?

A lawless life no man can save,

And in our blood we blithely bathe,

Singing

And flinging

Our souls into the fire

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

This our solemn requiem choir.

A kamikaze to the ground

And I to death with screaming sound,

Crying

And flying

A blazing spiral plight.

Can't comprehend how victory

Is putting off the best of me,

Giving

And living

By joining God in death

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

This our song in final breath.

A caterpillar to the grave

And I to Christ's tomb to be saved,

Shrinking

And sinking

To baptism by fire.

A butterfly is soon to live,

A new life being just to give,

Rasping

And clasping

To fade into Christ's light

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

Giving up the hopeless fight.

Awww. Is this really for someone? 'Cuz it's gonna knock her socks off. Show it to her if you haven't already!

Haha. I like a lot of the suggestions you've gotten so far. They're cute, if not always "professional."

Question: What of those who don't understand what a halcyon is? If they're just hearing the word randomly, they probably won't bother to look it up... so the name might quickly be forgotten, and it wouldn't bring the proper picture to mind.

I don't want to set you back on your quest, but I thought I might point it out.

Here's to Maine being all it can be, outside of the horror realm. :yuiwink2:

So now, I guess you'll actually have four seasons, huh?

You rock.

Many thanks!

This is one of the few problems for which Google has been no help.

I need to know the Gaelic term for "sin." Any suggestions?

God bless,

~J'F

The doctor should have realized that "brilliant" and "genius" are rather redundant, so he might as well have used nine words. Peredhil would never have done THAT, either.

...Wow, he really is the Anti!

One more note about the lack of single-mindedness in this story...

I am aware that I tried to tackle too many things at once. At the same time, however, I don't want it to be a plain ol' "moral at the end" story. I believe we work through most of our obstacles bit by bit, and all at once. Life isn't condensed into a beginning-middle-end story, you know?

So do you have any suggestions on how I can do this without making it seem scattered and pointless?

I'm slightly confused, because you said to pick ten words, but you yourself only used four. I'll just... use a number between 4 and 10!

Arrogant, Creative, Obsessive, Evolving Provoker

Basically, I believe everyone is arrogant, but I'm quite aware of my own pride as well. (Or am I? *gasp!* Perhaps it's bigger than I suppose!) Nobody, not even a "bad guy," wants to be "evil." We justify our actions because of so-and-so's actions, or because it's for the greater good, or whatever; but when it comes down, we really just think we're hot stuff, and want to worship ourselves. That's something I struggle with, especially in regards to other people I don't like.

I chose creative because, if I had to stop writing/drawing/etc, I would spontaneously combust.

I also chose obsessive because I'm most often in a dream world thinking about a project I hope to complete. In fact, I usually tie just about every one of my experiences in with a project, just to make it interesting. I've also been obsessed with various movies/shows from an early age.

I chose "evolving" because I'm not finished yet. God is still working on me, and making me into the person He dreamt.

And I chose provoker because I hate conformity. I like to challenge people's beliefs and trends because, oftentimes, I believe people just follow without thinking. I like to be original, perhaps only to provoke a reaction from those I don't consider original.

And so on, and so forth...

I have traveled far, and returned from my roamings to present birthday gifts.

For the Pointy One, I present this blade of honor. The bearer cannot be vanquished... and for Psimon, a book on the Greek alphabet. May you never be stuck between Chimon and Omegamon.

Happy birthday!

Surely there must be more UK'ers here? Has anyone else confirmed that they're safe?

Thank you for the compliments. I really wasn't dejected, actually... I have enough pride to take a stab or two. Heh.

The thing is that a lot of those elements do tie in, but I'm not tying them well at the moment. The following books should do better, and hopefully someday I'll be able to start a series off on a good foot. I'll just have to put some effort into ironing the mistakes I know I've made, but am hanging onto out of sheer laziness.

Thanks again for all your feedback and thoughts! You've got a great mind. And it's good for me.

Nice. No one can doubt what THIS poem is about.

I think the first stanza seemed awkward, maybe because I didn't know what kind of rhythm this poem would have. And when you wrote "my hand now longer," did you mean "no longer"?

But enough of my whining, I think. I like the interesting, random ways you describe each moment, finding something else to liken it to. My favorite line is, "and it Peels Away the minds of monks." That's cool. I could never think of such a creative way to say, "It's really cool and mysterious and smart people don't get it."

Keep writing!

Wow, awesome.

I'm sure you'll be a very good elder.

Yay! I'm a closet Goth. So I liked this.

While the second stanza really sounded great to me, I thought the first seemed stressed. As if you only said "they broke her every bone" so you'd have something to rhyme. I don't have much of a suggestion for it. Maybe clear you mind and come back to the poem some other day, and you'll have an idea.

As for the title, if you're still keen on changing it, you might take a line from the poem. Such as "Humanity's Banner Waves," or some variation. Yes, I'm just brimming with ideas when it comes to other people's stuff!

Your strong point is vivid description. You bring a picture to my mind. That's very cool! I'm not sure if I'm capable of that or not... not in the poetic way that you are. So good job!

Hmm, what a good read! You're a deep thinker, and I thank you for challenging my thinking (again, ha!).

By the way, what is RTCYSIA exactly?

I suppose that's the problem with revamping a story you've been working on since your "naive" years. This first book is quite different from the others in the sense that the wars are less personal, and most of the "personal" blows are internal. If you have any ideas on how to correct that problem, I welcome them.

Most of all, though, I'm just grateful that you've set aside so much time for me. (Speaking of which, I'd better go soon and start sowing what I reap.) Continue only at your convenience.

Have a great day!

I'll join you in that one, Ayshela! I know there are some fathers on this board.

I'd also like to wish a happy Father's Day to those who never knew their fathers, or who have lost their fathers to death or divorce. Take comfort knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you (Psalm 68:5).

And Happy Father's Day to you, dear God.

Dude... you rock! Thank you so much!

AWww, thanks sweet thang. *scratches your ear*

Do you like to complain? Point out typos and plotholes? Hey--- are you just plain SMARTER than everyone else? (C'mon, you know you are.)

Well then, we want you!

There's a pathetic wannabe author *coughmecough* who's trying to prep her work for publishing. So what are you waiting for? Get over there and point out all her mistakes! She'll thank you.

Don't think about it, just call.

I require few words to say:

Theatrical release Daredevil sucked.

Director's Cut DVD Daredevil rocked.

He makes time for this baord.

His family is similar to mine.

Nice job! Your poem has a message, which is good--- "In war, there is no honor." I commend you for that, as a message is what separates art from junk (i.e., photography from porn). Congratulations, it's an art!

For the third stanza, I would suggest "The order given, the enemy driven." You can say just as much with less words, and it's easier for the reader to adjust to the rhythm. Overall, I would say you just need to learn how to eliminate unnecessary words. (Don't we all!)