Rambling or poetry?

[Solivagus]

Are they the ramblings of Mad Heinrich, or do they make sense?

 

Shattering Mask.

 

Sometimes I feel I don't belong here,

I want to go so far away,

But something always holds me back,

Forever telling me to stay.

 

I long to lie in darkness,

Have it wash over me,

But there's the light that shines

I wish that I was blind, it wouldn't make me see.

 

I wear my mask of happiness,

Hoping it will never break,

Not a crack upon its skin,

But how long will it take?

 

See it start to crumble,

When it shatters so will I,

Then you'll see the real me,

Hidden behind my wall of lies.

[Solivagus]

Hide From Sleep

 

Never want to sleep again,

Because you haunt my dreams.

I hide in my insomnia,

I'll never rest it seems.

 

Small distractions comfort me,

Keep thoughts of you at bay.

But sooner or later my mind will slip,

Looks like you're here to stay.

 

So weary of your persistence,

There's nothing I can do.

How much I wish to sleep again,

But there's nothing I can do.

Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus

[Solivagus]

I Hurt

 

Take me away from all those I hurt,

Peel me away from this life I live.

Set fire to my body and burn up all the lies,

When I'm gone I'll have no pain to give.

 

I always see that look in your eyes,

You say it isn't there.

It's that awful look of hatred,

But I’m sure that you still care.

 

I break everything I touch,

Hurting everyone I know.

No one leaves unhurt,

At least that's what they tell me so.

 

They love to watch me hurt who I love,

They like to play games with my head.

They laugh at the pain I seem to cause,

I'm really just better off dead.

[Peredhil]

sounds like unresolved trauma.

 

Heinrich can run from problems and the associated pain, but unfortunately, whereever he goes, he takes himself with him.

 

I have no wisdom or magic solution for Heinrich. I hope he finds the strength to work through his pain.

[Solivagus]

My first attempt at a non-rhyming piece. More than any other so far, I wonder if this is truly poetry, or merely ramblings.

 

Sickness took my soul and gave birth to my insanity

 

Bent twisted in a burning agony,

Feverish with a wish to die,

A desire to end this torment,

Surrounded in filth coated in slime,

Living in my own self made hell,

 

Torn from the living eaten from within,

Leaking tendrils of corrupted sickness from my pores,

Aching eyes red and swollen,

Flaking skin cracked and oozing,

Goblets of yellow fluid drip with stench,

Great mounds of rupturing waste,

Cover my body like unwashed sweat,

Wracking coughs torture long abused lungs,

 

Flies feast upon my wasteland,

Maggots drill through my veins,

Ugliness swims through my soul,

My blood burns with disease,

I feed upon my cracked teeth,

Crunching and swallowing,

Gums continuously bleed,

And yet my heart ticks on,

 

This is my tapestry to my withered existence,

My misery leaks from my bloated shell,

Covered in gangrenous sores,

I exist yet wish and for an end,

Pain rips through my bent frame,

A pulsing wretchedness takes over,

Emotions spew forth in a jumbled mass,

Screaming gore splatters crusty walls,

Madness seethes with tortured sorrow,

I wished for death yet find only endless horror.

[Solivagus]

Is self hate the same as self pity?

 

Self Hate

 

The days bring the smiles

Whilst the nights bring the screams

Every day the same trials

Every night the same dreams

 

Drowning in anger at the world

Stunned by self hate

Watching what's unfurled

Myself I Berate

 

Disgust, revulsion, shame

I feel…when I see me

Tired of this game

I try to flee

 

Knowing I can’t trust

Therefore I cannot love

Though I feel this is not unjust

I curse those from above

 

Desiring a soul mate

To be loved by one

Is something I learned to hate

For me, it cannot be done

 

The mask begins to fade

And I die inside

As I cut I feel betrayed

As my feelings collide

[Solivagus]

Too late

 

When I'm gone

will you even care

or will you even realize

that I’m not even there?

 

When I’m gone,

You will regret everything you said,

And I hope you live in pain,

Once you hear that I am dead.

 

Pull the rope tight,

Let go and let me swing,

And notice that to you,

My life didn't mean a thing.

 

So there I will hang,

With no movement left to share,

Will you notice something,

When tomorrow I’m not there?

 

So, you got what you wanted,

You chose my own fate.

Oh, so now you want to help me...

Well, I’m sorry, you're TOO LATE!

[Ayshela]

bar the last line of "Hide from Sleep" you could have taken the thoughts from my head. <_ i think you wrote it better than would have though.>

 

Self hate - mmm. don't know what to tell you, here. i can but sit and read and nod gently..

but no, self-hate is not the same as self-pity. Self-hate is based for too much in anger to be at all closely related to pity.

*hugs*

[Solivagus]

My attempt to capture how much I DESPISE Psychiatrists

 

Psychiatrist

 

The soft green cushions,

With teeth sharp and long.

Where I'll rest my head,

And realize I'm wrong.

 

Your voice is raspy,

And sounds far away.

The teeth have locked on,

Forcing me to stay.

 

Swirls of thoughts twisting,

And unleashing truth.

Finally describing,

My troublesome youth.

 

Demons I'm seeing,

Escape from my brain.

So now I feel cured,

Yet I'm still 'insane.'

 

I'm suffocating now,

In this world I know.

I can't be normal,

Can't go with 'the flow.'

 

I scribble down words,

And I try to rhyme.

In an old notebook,

to free my trapped mind.

 

Its like an escape,

For my mind and soul.

This is what cures me,

And makes me feel whole.

 

Until I return,

To the sharp white teeth.

And I spew forth dreams,

To this high priced thief.

[Solivagus]

There's a whole other person,

Living inside my soul.

He won't come out,

Unless I'm losing control.

 

When I can't handle life,

He rips himself away.

He takes hold,

But not all the way.

 

I still feel pain,

I still feel sorrow.

Then he just goes away,

But he may be back tomorrow.

 

I've tried to suppress him,

I've tried to stop his onslaught.

Nothing seems to work,

No matter how hard I've fought.

 

He keeps coming back,

Stronger than ever.

I'm losing the battle,

But I can't stop, never!

 

He hasn't been out in a while,

When's the next outbreak.

It's going to happen sometime,

How long's it going to take?

[Solivagus]

They were talking about vampires in mIRC...

 

They’ll overpower you

Rip and devour you

Feed on your life and

Live from your death

They’ll sip your blood

A vampire’s wine

Tear you open

To see what’s inside

Sink in their teeth,

Eat you raw and alive

Their hunting call

is your gasp of surprise

Their feeding call

is your desperate cry

They’ll find you in

the darkest nights

Sink their teeth into your neck

Eyes glowing with hell’s light

Your bloody image they’ll reflect

They’ll chase you down

Let out a cry

And push you down

As they flash by

They sink their claws

Into your flesh

You’ll feel only pain

In their caress.

You’ll scream and fight

But it’s no use

They’re too strong

They overtake you

You awake in the morning

It must have been a dream

You’re sweating and shaking

It was so real it seemed

So you sit up

Get out of bed

But later you’ll notice

The new scar on your neck.

[Solivagus]

A Dark Place

 

I come from a dark place

A stark and twisted inner space

Full of terrors undefined

That rend my soul and cloud my mind

Where wraiths of things that used to be

Come each night to torment me

They gather in my darkened room

To sneer and snigger in the gloom

And I am forced to see again

All the suffering and pain

Of those I’ve driven to despair

When all they ever did was care

 

I come from a dark place

Of endless fears I cannot face

How I long to be at peace

How I yearn for sweet release

For a world of dark malignancy

Has risen up to swallow me

A desolate world of suffering

Filled with dreadful whispering

All hope dies as I descend

Into darkness without end

And though I scream there’s no one there

No one left to know or care

[Ayshela]

*nods* bar the last two lines of the first stanza, i agree wholeheartedly.

*hugs*

[Solivagus]

Darkness

 

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness

and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under

I yell for help but no one is there to hear it

I begin to see the water at eye level

and I kick and flail

fighting to stay above the darkness

But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me

and I slowly begin to give in

to the feeling that lies below the water line

the waters starts to fill my lungs

the lungs that once held so much life

yet now they allow the murky water to replace that

I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness

But why doesn't someone grab my hand

pull me from darkness's grasp?

because no one knows I stand at the boundary

the boundary between light and dark

so I give in to the thing that holds me

All of the strength and all of the courage

that I once held in my heart

can't save me from the water

So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness

undetected by the occupants of that world

I don't want to fight anymore

I've given into darkness

[Solivagus]

Something must be wrong with me.

 

Something must be wrong with me

with all this hurt inside,

always bursting with anger,

and never any pride.

 

Something must be wrong with me

if all I do is cry,

I can't stop this pain

all I want to do is die.

Something must be wrong with me

 

 

Something must be wrong with me

if my emotions run wild,

all this confusion does

is make me feel like a lost child.

 

Something must be wrong with me

with all these terrible things,

always there and never gone

depression is what it brings.

 

Something must be wrong with me

if I can't stop these thoughts,

all this pain does

is turn my stomach in knots.

 

Something must be wrong with me

when I think there's only one way out,

"Let this pain end,"

is all my heart will shout.

Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus

[Peredhil]

Quick note - I've been reading these build with something approaching envy. From the first post, to the last, I see an improvement as a writer.

 

As to the last poem, I think a lot of people hold something similar inside - but you've expressed it well.

[Parmenion]

Keep them coming - I'm thoroughly enjoying this little collection! As a reader I think I can really feel the emotion in your writing so you are definitely doing something right! Bravo!

[Solivagus]

These poems are...forming would be the best word...in my mind, and I just write them down. There's no apparent rhyme scheme from what I see of them, but it doesn't seem right to change them. That make sense to anyone? Sure as hell doesn't make sense to me.

 

Broken Will

 

Dreaming in deceptions and living past some lies,

lost amid the underbrush of hatred's evil eyes.

Keeps you in the darkness,

a place of all your fears,

your destiny is broken,

your debts now in arrears.

Your dreams can tell the truth of all you cannot see,

what there is now and all it may be.

Trust in your sacred space and hide now from the day,

sent to wreak the havoc you once had sent away.

Chain free and risen so quickly now to take you from the edge,

broken will and troubled mind your life it has been pledged.

Head start to the forest break,

be gone from light before the rain,

shadows' witless fury,

strangers' tresspass into pain.

Caught up in a torrent to see a rainbow break the sky,

find shelter past the tree line,

the clouds are filled with lies.

Rest there in your circle to take solace from the pain,

they'll not find you in there,

going transparently insane.

The wind now roars its' discontent,

the storm has blinded sight,

wait here for the darknes to steal you in the night.

Rock to sleep the spirit that finds no rest to date,

here is where you've always been,

no use to disrupt fate.

All the lies distort the roadmap,

the visions all so true,

do not fear your space inside the circle,

you've found it right on cue.

Thunder ascends so loudly,

no one to hear your cries,

having lost a simple purpose,

take in one last sigh.

Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus

[Solivagus]

I Am Alone

 

My soul hides forbidden secrets

My life hidden behind a shadow of laughter

My pain cannot be seen

 

I'd give up everything to feel happy again

But that cannot happen

I am left to fight my demons alone

To cry alone

To die alone

 

These walls seem to close in

No one is here to wipe away my tears

I am alone

 

Can anyone hear me cry?

Why am I left to die?

Please help me....

I need you more then ever

 

All these years behind my own brick wall

Never showing any feeling

I'm ready to break this wall

 

I cry out your name

But only silence can be heard

I am alone

[Solivagus]

My mind...falling apart. My dad doesn't drink, my mum doesn't cry. I don't run from shadows, I don't pray. And yet...Ack! The writing's done. Judge it as you want. Drunk as a newt...oh dear.

 

Rising Shadows

 

Walking down a darkened street

Streetlights casting lurid yellow pools of light

I can see my house at the end of this street

And I don’t want to go home tonight

As I walk I glance to either side

Praying I don’t see what I know I will

A shadow under a mailbox starts to move

And I hear a shriek somewhere, loud and shrill

I turn around from the shadow

I tell myself it’s not really there

The shadow under the tree starts to stand

I close my eyes, they can’t be there.

I start to jog a little faster,

I feel a presence right behind me

I don’t want to go home, but my feet are running,

something’s chasing me

I tell myself don’t be stupid, you’re just paranoid,

shadows aren’t alive

But my feet won’t stop running, they just speed up,

and I’m still scared for my life

I sprint down the street out of the corners of my eyes,

I see every shadow rise

They glide after me in their smooth quick way,

all black except white shining eyes

I run faster than I ever have before,

praying to make it home

Behind me I hear them make demonic little sounds,

I was captivated by the way their eyes shone.

But I still keep running,

until I reach our back glass door

Dinner is on the table, my mom has been crying,

her eyes look swollen red and sore

I walk quickly in try to look as if nothing is wrong,

my mother snaps where have you been?

I was babysitting I lied, just down the street,

but I quickly shut up when my father walked in.

My dad has been drinking, he’s drunk as a newt,

he asks what the hell is wrong with you?

Stay out all night, keeping your mother so worried,

what were we supposed to do?

Look at your mother, she thought you were lost,

she’s been crying her eyes out all night

And look at you, I replied in anger, drunk as newt,

you’re the reason I didn’t want to come home tonight

Eat your dinner he told me with a shaking fist, we already ate ours a long time ago.

I sat down and ate, until I looked out the door, and saw their white eyes looking at me through window

I froze, dropped my fork with a clatter, and stared at them scratching the glass

My mom said with a quivering voice, he’s drunk, I would never cry over your worthless hide.

I just nodded my head not really hearing her, I saw one thing smile at me

My mom couldn’t hear what I could hear, and she couldn’t see what I could see.

I jumped out of my chair, ran into my room, my father yelling at me all the way

I opened my door and there they were waiting, to devour me, a human entrée

I screamed one last scream, heard my parents voice say to shut up, as the shadows let out a shriek

They raced to me with their hands outstretched, and I was alone as they devoured me.

[Sorciere]

Wow. Excellent.

[Solivagus]

The happy poem for Krista will just have to wait for a bit...

 

I cut Again Tonight

 

I cut again tonight

I'm really not sure why

As I sat here by myself

I didn't feel alone or sad

Or even that the world is bad

I just felt blank and saw the knife

Picked it up and cut six times

Something must be there inside

To make me do this nasty thing

But what could it be?

I can't believe I cut tonight

The knife just seemed to go on its own

I don't even remember feeling it at all

But I can see it's done

By the trickle of blood running down my side

It makes me feel so empty

Not painful not good not anything at all

Is that right?

Oh well, what's done is done

I cannot change it now

Although I wonder how many there are now

Two hundred and fifty one?

That must be it..

[Solivagus]

Advice for a title of this one would be appreciated

 

A soul in agony burning with deception,

A heart wounded beyond redemption,

A darkness shrouding the will to live,

A sadness drowning out all hope,

 

Why must I walk this endless path?

Where my corrupted past drags me down,

Into an abyss of self doubt and loathing,

Where the hooks of fear are drawn taunt,

And claws of hate trailing with infectious sickness,

My mind is so clouded with indecision,

 

Up a path that twists and turns,

On hands and knees I struggle forward,

Haunted by ugly feelings of rejection,

Leaving a bloody trail behind where skin is rubbed raw,

Sweat stains filthily unwashed uncaring,

Looking for the easy way out,

But finding only a hellish answer,

 

Life is too hard, too unforgiving,

The path is too steep, too coarse,

My heart is too weak my resolve breaking,

Only bloody tears drip from haggard cheeks,

Blood shot eyes seeing more obstacles,

I feel everything closing in,

Such a claustrophobic reaction,

 

Shivers rip through my weary frame,

My gut clenches as my will folds,

Collapsing from exhaustion and loss,

With my last breath I scream out,

I give up you win I can take it no more,

Sobbing out with my last tears,

My last word wrenches from a torn throat,

My soul is finally yours.

[Solivagus]

Loves Torment

 

Love has been denied me

An ashen face stares into a mirror

Devoid of hope, filled with disgust

I'm tearing at my heart

So I won't have to feel

There's blood in my hands, but I don't care

I've fallen and I don't have the strength

To rise

 

I'm running away from love's grip

Holding a cross and beating myself with it

This depression is sharper than any razor

I'm searching for myself amongst these ashes

I'm floating away on the winds of tomorrow

As I softly bleed searching for a

Glimmer of happiness, of a sorrowless night

To taste

 

Love has been ripped from me

Scars caused by vain intolerance

Mar the youth of this world

As a star falls in silent salutation

Proclaiming its message of hope through despair

I slump to the ground holding my bleeding self up

As the morning emerges and I cry softly

To myself

 

Death leads me by the hand,

Holds me in its loveless grip,

Tastes my flesh, drinks my blood

Death laughs her painful words of truth

I look into her ebony eyes

And raise my crystal goblet of blood and drink

To Death

[Solivagus]

Some people say I'll run out of ideas and learn to smile outside of the internet. They're wrong.

 

Sorrows Road

 

A rocky crooked road indeed

Is sorrows road

Filled with hazards

Ready to unload

 

The road I travel now

Is sorrows road

Past haunting

Feelings that forebode

 

Seems to in circles go

My sorrows road

Back to the beginning

With life’s heavy load

 

Memories they haunt me

On sorrows road

Taking all my spirit

Hell is my new abode