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Deadly Nightshade

The Nightmare

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:raven:

I am your greatest fear

Your nightmare

I torture you in your dreams

Every night you wake up screaming

While I laugh at your pain

I am why you wake in a cold sweat

And still I will continue

To haunt your mine

Tear at your vary being

Why?

Because I am The Nightmare

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I can't quite my finger on it, but the structure or wording or SOMETHING just seems a bit off.

It's a good read that could use a bit of tweaking, sorry I can't be more specific.

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HmM. Interesting little poem there Shade.. I like it.. But like Vlad hinted, I think it needs more, maybe add a bit more body, get the reader pulled in some more and trapped in the nightmare.. or.. just leave it.. =)

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I am your greatest fear (5)

Your nightmare (3)

I torture you in your dreams (7)

Every night you wake up screaming (8)

While I laugh at your pain (6)

I am why you wake in a cold sweat (9)

And still I will continue (7)

To haunt your mine (4) (mine== mind)

Tear at your vary being (7) (vary == very)

Why? (1)

Because I am The Nightmare (7)

 

Thoughts... just brainstorming.

Your Nightmare... The Nightmare... I don't get a feeling of transition between the two. I did the syllable count, but with a nightmare, it maybe should be disjointed.

You have a lot of seven syllable lines, maybe you could make them a base and alternate with syllable chops on the other lines.

3, 7, 9, 7, 4, 7, 8, 7 ....

I like the way you involve the different senses. screaming. sweat. pain. Maybe more specific? Visions for sight. nasty rotten smells? you end with the mind leading to the core being of the individual, that's a nice draw together.

Hmmm. Maybe that's one thing - are you writing to an individual, or to humanity? could be worked effectively either way.

 

I really think you have the core of something good here. There's a raw power, and nightmares strike a common chord.

 

On a different note, I happen to enjoy even my nightmares. For years, I'd work the more vivid ones into my FARS campaigns. Insert evil laugh here

 

I look forward to seeing where you go with this, now that you've made it real getting it out where you can see it. If you do a rewrite - repost! So we can compare, okay?

 

-Peredhil

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aye... what's with this obsession with syllable count lately ppl... if it sound good use it...

 

revery

the dreamlost

"sheesh"

the dream continues...

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I would like to say that I started it, but 'twas Cyril who inspired me to count syllables and look at where lines end.

 

~Ciao for now! (it rhymes...)

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syllable count.

In the Belgariad by Eddings, there is a scene where one of the most powerful intuitive mages tries to learn to bring his magic under conscious, and therefore more consistent control - and finds out how hard it is.

 

Syllable counting is a technique I use, and it can be useful. It show a certain type of pattern and rhythm in the poetry or prose, for those who aren't as inately sensitive to patterns.

 

It brings into conscious mind a basic awareness - so that you can choose when to break the rules. Breaking the rules in poetry can give drama and power - but you want to know you're doing it.

 

As someone who does write most of his works intuitively, just off-the-cuff, I'm rediscovering the basics of writing. Cyril has inspired me to relearn the conscious techniques by taking the time to critique one of my works.

 

I'm just trying to apply it to Deadly Nightshade's piece 'cause 1) I learn best when I'm teaching someone (or think I am), and 2) She has a real and definite talent in my opinion, but its seems erratic.

 

heh. We've hijacked your thread, Hun.

 

Hands the thread back to Deadly Nightshade.

 

Good work!

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Steals the thread for a moment longer

 

Woohoo! Another person who's read the Belgariad! That brings the count of people I know who've read it up to... Four! Five, if you count me... But then if you count me, you have to count all the different "me"s, and I have no idea how high that'd bring it.

 

Anyway, I agree... It's got a lot of potential, but it does need some help with the flow... Not all the lines have to have the same "meter" or syllable count... You certainly don't need to bludgeon it into trochaic octameter or any such, /cringe but if you could do something with it, it would probably flow a little better.

 

Just my thoughts. But then I make no secret of the fact that I'm a very lyrical sort of person... I had to write an "add-in" scene to a shakespearean play and I wrote it in Iambic Pentameter.

 

Hands the thread along to Nightshade

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hmm...I've read the Belgariad too (something else that a certain person proved useful for).

 

Very dark...it reminds me a lot of Edgar Allan Poe for some reason. :)

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I like it short and direct. I think it could be expanded on but that would make it an entirely different poem.

 

Thank you for sharing.

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