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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Crap a lá Z


Zadown

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I must admit I wasn't really happy with either blade poem, but I trust the judgement of both of you better than mine - guess they weren't as trite as I thought.

 

Wyv said there's too many love poems, and there's always too many teenage angst poems, so I thought I'd write some post-teenage angst poems instead... ;)

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born at night

 

I was born at night

cried out

and sucked in shadows

a seed of gloom

and idle despair

 

and now

I am weary enough

to exhale

breathe out little

clouds of ink

 

old enough

to toast

my tenebrous twin

a glass of wine

and a cynic smile

 

Edited to delete two stanzas.

Edited by Zadown
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Went through my old poems once again and decided to translate a few more, even if they are a bit rough diamonds *cough*. Some of the better ones are too dark and brooding - I think there's enough of those already so they shall remain un-translated. It's a bit sad that my current life is worn too smooth, lacks the necessary edges, for me to write many effective poems any more.

 

Eviscerate

 

I kneel before you

with a questioning look

once again colour the ground with my guts

again cut myself open

you are worth it

 

 

The Thing

 

sleep conquers

morning-gorilla arrives

mops with its victim

messes the hair totally

vanishes to the night

with a grin

 

 

Broken

 

I let the phone fall

 

its bang changes

shifts to the cling of the chain of friendship

 

his words did not exactly say it

the key was in his tone

detacher the sum of events

the torn present

a change in a man I thought I knew

 

now our clocks tick a different time

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lovely Z...

 

but, the the transition from line 2 to 3 kind of throws me off...

 

"singing" maybe instead of "sing"

 

or break it into two stanzas...

 

or throw a colon after "whales:"

 

 

...just some suggestions...

 

 

 

rev... <---- wants a fuzzy whale...

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Yah, it's a bit jagged transition. I tried tinkering with it but couldn't find a better configuration yet - chopping it in two leaves the last two lines sort of lonely and I wasn't inspired enough to write a 6th line (either to the end or between 3rd and 4th current line) right now. I'll see if I can do something to it later.

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Ode to Korvapuusti

 

Oh, thy unsurpassed fragrance

thick anticipation in the warm air

minutes transmute into aeons

drool ruins the clothes

 

Finally, the door opens

your tanned shapes appear

amidst the swirling mist

trembling hands help you out

 

I reach for thee

my hand on thy hot skin

sends shivers through me

intoxicated by thine perfume

 

Half-parted lips

and thee meet

in an explosion

of cinnamon

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A few responses:

 

"Russian techno" - I really like the mechanical imagery in this poem... the "growl of the engine," the "rubber feet" and the "technological prayer wheels" all added to the inspiring artificiality of the piece, which I'm sure is meant to reflect the music that the poem refers to. One gets a very positive impression of the techno through the poem, and the technological imagery just seems to add to the "tranquil nirvana" that the music sends the narrator into. The repetition of "heartbeat" is a nice touch as well, though the manner that the syllables repeat doesn't have the feel of a heartbeat to me. Well done poem, though, with lots of interesting imagery.

 

"Ode to Korvapuusti" - Hah! Funny... I was going to ask whether this poem was an ode to a person or an ode to a perfume, but decided to google "Korvapuusti" beforehand and found out about the real subject of the poem. Keeping the true object of the narrator's affection in mind, the poem is very cleverly written, with plenty of references to the real object of affection while still keeping a tone that might suggest an actual person. I *thought* there was something odd about "hot skin" before looking into Korvapuusti further... Tasty, though I prefer Pain au Chocolate personally. ;-D

 

Your latest poem - an interesting comparison. Perhaps if the cyborg prediction proves to be true, mass lobotomy will be the way that people fulfill said prophecy. It's scary to realize that there are things people joke about that are closer to reality than people expect, and this poem expresses that well.

 

I enjoyed reading these, Zadown. Thanks for sharing them. :-)

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I like it...it makes me think about a statue in winter, or maybe like Michaelangelo's studious young man...I think it was michaelangelo... :blink: heh. Anyway nice mental imagery

This is one of the things I really like about writing - you think of something, and then you write it down in some form ... and somebody else reads it and thinks something completely different. Perhaps not a good quality in user manuals, but definitely good in poems. ;)

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