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DL_Snake

A figurative love

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Hey guys, been awhile since I last visited.

 

Wrote this for a dear friend who's caught between her love, and her ailing mother who may leave this world at any time. Loosely halloween themed, written in the style of syllables with no real rhyme or rhytm. :P Enjoy, if you would, critique, if you could.

 

A moon full

Lit rustling leaves

Two snouts sniff

One grey, one peeved

 

Eagles soar

With golden wings

Howling wolves

Share smiling grins

 

Grey pushes

The other stays

Nips and fangs

Still she’s at bay

 

Majesty

Of golden flight

Awaits her

With silent might

 

Growls the grey

Bitten through fur

Yelp! Anguish

It stared. Whimper

 

Furtively

She pads farther

Looking back

Grey is further

 

A welcome

Greets yon eagle

Wings embrace

Lost wolfen pup

 

Away pads

Now content Grey

Lost in dreams

Of yesterday.

Edited by DL_Snake

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It is a bit like a Nordic chant, but you lost the 3/4/3/4 syllable count a few times.

 

"She stares, whimpers" is a correct four count, but something about the plural leaves the tongue in the wrong mouth placement to feel comfortable. I'm not certain of a fix, perhaps changing out the "she" to allow a singular active phrase. [x] stare, whimper. Hmmm, Maybe it's the soft syllables of whimper after the hard stare.

 

*Polite Hugs*

Good to see you

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Hey peredhil! long time!

 

*hugs back*

 

hmmm can't find the other parts where i missed the 3/4 rhytm, but thanks for your suggeston. You're right, it does sound better with a neutral pronoun. gonna edit :)

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