Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Welcome to The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Register or login now and gain instant access to our features!

Sign in to follow this  

A figurative love

Recommended Posts

Hey guys, been awhile since I last visited.


Wrote this for a dear friend who's caught between her love, and her ailing mother who may leave this world at any time. Loosely halloween themed, written in the style of syllables with no real rhyme or rhytm. :P Enjoy, if you would, critique, if you could.


A moon full

Lit rustling leaves

Two snouts sniff

One grey, one peeved


Eagles soar

With golden wings

Howling wolves

Share smiling grins


Grey pushes

The other stays

Nips and fangs

Still she’s at bay



Of golden flight

Awaits her

With silent might


Growls the grey

Bitten through fur

Yelp! Anguish

It stared. Whimper



She pads farther

Looking back

Grey is further


A welcome

Greets yon eagle

Wings embrace

Lost wolfen pup


Away pads

Now content Grey

Lost in dreams

Of yesterday.

Edited by DL_Snake

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is a bit like a Nordic chant, but you lost the 3/4/3/4 syllable count a few times.


"She stares, whimpers" is a correct four count, but something about the plural leaves the tongue in the wrong mouth placement to feel comfortable. I'm not certain of a fix, perhaps changing out the "she" to allow a singular active phrase. [x] stare, whimper. Hmmm, Maybe it's the soft syllables of whimper after the hard stare.


*Polite Hugs*

Good to see you

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey peredhil! long time!


*hugs back*


hmmm can't find the other parts where i missed the 3/4 rhytm, but thanks for your suggeston. You're right, it does sound better with a neutral pronoun. gonna edit :)

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Create New...