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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword
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Snypiuer

BREAKING, SPORADIC NEWS REPORT

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Anchorman: Hi everyone! We have some breaking news: For the first time in untold generations, we have the opportunity to see the fabled 'Running of the F.O.N.G.W.A.L.O.H'! We go to our man on the scene. . .

 

Street Reporter: (In hushed tones) That's right, we are here at an undisclosed location where, if we're lucky, we will see the 'Running of the Fat Old Nekkid Guys With A Lot Of Hair', better known as the 'Running of the Fongwaloh'. We. . . (in a whisper) wait. . . (ducking behind some crates, with an excited whisper) yes! We can see, what must be, the leader of the Fongwaloh, timidly emerging from their lair.

 

We see the bald head of an old man cautiously poke from a doorway and carefully scan the area.

 

Street Reporter: (In even softer and more excited whispers) As we all know, the Fongwaloh are very easily startled. So we must be as quiet as possible.

 

The head Fongwaloh slowly makes his way out to the street. He looks around, sniffs the air, finally relaxes and begins stretching. Seeing their leaders' confidence, the rest of the Fongwaloh emerge and begin their preparations along with him. Some jogging in place while others did jumping jacks and stretching exercises.

 

Street Reporter: (In his excited whisper) This is truly a remarkable sight to see! There must be, at least, 3 score, even more! NONE of the legends have prepared us for so many! Look at the leaders proud belly jiggle. . . and his wondrous, full body, covering of hair! And we can finally confirm that, yes they ARE completely covered with hair, EXCEPT for their magnificent heads that have a horseshoe of hair framing their glossy tops and shiny foreheads! Wait, I believe it's about to begin!

 

The sound of bellies flopping up and down mingle with the sound of many feet slapping in rhythm as they all begin to run in place and orient themselves in the same direction. As they all fall in behind their leader, they slowly begin to move down the street and pick up speed.

 

Street Reporter: (Whispering to his cameraman) Quick! Let's follow them!

 

They begin to follow, when there seems to be a disturbance with the Fongwaloh.

 

Street Reporter: (Giving up all attempts to stay unnoticed) Wait! There seems to be something happening!

 

Anchorman: What is it? Can you describe what is happening?

 

Street Reporter: It looks like the Fongwaloh have been confronted by. . . I can't really tell. . . it looks like. . . YES! The Fongwaloh herd has come across a mob of filthy hippies! As we all know, filthy hippies are violent and oppressive in the name of peace and tolerance! SO, it's no surprise that they have, thus, brutally attacked the Fongwaloh without provocation! But, the Fongwaloh are, definitely, NOT defenseless! Listen to their mighty roars as they use their bellies to pummel the mob of filthy hippies!

 

The sound of bellies smacking against unwashed bodies fill the air as bellows of rage emit from the Fongwaloh.

 

Street Reporter: (Choked-up with emotion) This is a tragedy! Who knows when, or even IF, we'll have another opportunity to witness the 'Running of the Fongwaloh', not only, in our lifetime, but EVER again! Those filthy hippies! Oh the huma. . .

 

Anchor: (Cutting the Street Reporter off) Sorry for the interruption, but this just in: Reports are coming in from several areas within the Keep of the Pen is Mightier than the Sword, that. . . (looking off camera) is this correct!? (Back at camera) There are reports that. . . Virulent, Rage Zombies. . . are loose within the Keep. Authorities advise EVERYONE to barricade themselves in a safe place, with enough food and water for an extremely prolonged period. Authorities have released a statement stating that, these are not, repeat, these are NOT the zombies we are accustomed to. They are, not only, immune to magic, but they are contagious. Do not, repeat, do NOT attempt to 'save' ANYONE who has been bitten. If you encounter an infected individual, the only way to stop them is to physically destroy their brain - authorities recommend a heavy blunt object or high powered projectile of some sort. Furthermore, these zombies are VERY hard to distinguish from filthy hippies. This is actually a good thing, since most people ALREADY avoid filthy hippies. Finally, the authorities, not only, want to assure the public that they are doing everything possible to remedy and contain this situation, but also that Snypiuer has NOTHING, what so ever, to do with this. . . huh. . . (speaking to someone off camera) so, in other words, Snypiuer did something stupid. . . AGAIN. . . and WE have to suffer for it?

 

Off Camera Voice: Looks that way to me!

 

Sportscaster: That's what I'm thinking!

 

Weather Girl: (With a COMPLETELY vacant look) But, the report said Mr. Snypiuer DOESN'T have anything to do with it!?

 

Anchorman: (Filled with compassion) Awww. . . bless your heart. . . you poor thing, you're going to be one of the first to go!

 

Weather Girl: (Bright eyed and exuberant) YAY! I'm going to be first! (Claps excitedly)

 

Sportscaster: Wait a minute, I ran into a bunch of filthy hippies outside. When I asked them what they were protesting, they just yelled gibberish and attacked me. Sine they didn't know WHAT they were protesting, I figured they were just more 'Occupy' protesters - one of them bit me!

 

Several Audience Members: Hey! Me too! I got bit by a filthy hippy! Are they hippies or zombies!? Am I going to die!?

 

All hell breaks loose as the Sportscaster, as well as several audience members and a few of the production crew, start to go into convulsions.

 

Anchorman: (To Weather Girl) Has ANYONE bitten you in the last. . . week!?

 

Weather Girl: (Thinking. . . REALLL hard) Ummm. . . no!

 

Anchorman: (Grabs the Weather Girl) LET'S GO!

 

Chaos reigns as screams fill the air. We see the Anchorman flee with the Weather Girl, then the camera spins wildly, as if it's being used as a weapon. Finally, the camera falls to the ground and we see a ground level, sideways view of the cameraman being torn apart. . . when something heavy falls on the camera and the screen is filled with static. After a moment, soothing elevator music accompanies a picture of a deer playing with butterflies as a voice-over says, "We're sorry, but we are experiencing technical difficulties. You're program will resume momentarily."

 

:zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie:

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:zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie:

The picture of the deer playing with butterflies remains and is accompanied by a continuous loop Muzak version of 'The Girl from Ipanema'.

:zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie: :zombie:

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