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Snypiuer

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

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Day 1

 

Location: Ground Zero

 

We happen upon Snypiuer frantically attempting to keep a door shut. Hands, arms and other assorted limbs stick between the door and the door frame - SEVERLY hindering Snypiuer in his previously stated endeavor. Something that may or may not be a dog SEEMS to be trying to help him, Pith and Sil (two of his squirrel companions) have a casual conversation and give a running commentary on what is happening while Mr Moog (the final member of Snypiuers' trio of squirrel companions) berates Snypiuer. (Piths' and Sils' conversations take place at the same time as Snypiuers' and Mr Moogs')

 

Snypiuer (breathless from his exertion): You know, this would be a LOT easier if you HELPED!

 

Mr Moog: Really? It isn't enough that this is ALL your fault!?

 

Pith (off to the side - to Sil): That. . . is the UGLIEST. . . THING?. . . I have EVER seen.

 

Sil: Yeahhh. . . what. . . IS it!?

 

Pith: Boss SAYS it's a dog.

 

Sil: Really!? I do NOT see that. . .

The object of their discussion is the creature that SEEMS to be trying to help Snypiuer. Picture, if you will, a creature a little smaller than the size of your average Labrador Retriever. Now, place upon this creature:

1. The head and shoulders of a Bulldog (Yes, the cartoonish size will suffice), but with a nose that is not quite long enough to be a proper snout, yet definitely NOT a pug type nose. Oh yeah, make the nose about twice as wide as it should be and bigger at the tip.

2. Torso and haunches of a Mastiff.

3. Tail of a Pug.

4. Legs of a Dachshund.

5. Paws of a St. Bernard.

6. Ears of a Basset Hound.

7. Jowls of a Blood Hound.

8. A tongue OBVIOUSLY too big for his head.

9. Extremely short, thick jet-black fur with ochre highlights.

10. The skin of a Shar-Pei. Actually, the skin of a Shar-Pei almost 3 times bigger than this wretched creature.

11. A shock of hair that sprouts from the top of his head that looks like it was the fur of a white and silver/grey Sheepdog - ALL the fur from a Sheepdog.

12. If you could see past the shock of hair hanging down over them, eyes that are FAR bigger than ANY living creature should have - but they are SOOOOOO CUTE!!!

13. Add to this, the temperment of a six year old on meth and LOVES EVERYONE!

Meanwhile:

 

Snypiuer: Hey! There's PLENTY of room for blame to go around!

 

Mr Moog: WHAT!? Who was it that said, (puts his hat on sideways at an angle, makes the GOOFIEST face he can and says in the DUMBEST voice he can do) "Duh'huh. . . Hey guys! Let's go to this planet I just found in another reality. . . IT'S OVERRUN WITH VIRULENT, RAGE ZOMBIES!!!"

 

Pith/Sil (noticing Mr Moogs' impression): (Accompanied by golf claps) Spot on! Bravo! Precisely how I remember it! It's as if I was THERE! (Indeed, if it WERE possible to go back in time and witness this exchange, you would be ASTOUNDED by how accurate Mr Moog portrays it)

 

Snypiuer (Giving Pith and Sil a look): I didn't. . .

 

Mr Moog (cutting him off): AND what did I say!?

 

Snypiuer: (Blank stare)

 

Mr Moog: I said, "For the LOVE of Sweet Petunia" (Pith, Sil and Mr Moog all remove their hats, place them over their hearts and bow their heads solemnly. Snypiuer tries to, but every time he reaches for his hat, the door starts to open, at which point he has to redouble his efforts to keep it closed. He tries about four times before he gives up - as his three companions just look with sad, disappointed expressions at him as they just shake their heads slowly)

 

Snypiuer: I'LL DO IT LATER!

 

Mr Moog: For the love. . . yada yada, WHY would ANYONE want to go to a planet overrun by VIRULENT, RAGE ZOMBIES!? To which you replied. . .

 

Snypiuer: Because they have talking dogs there.

 

Mr Moog: What was that? Didn't quite hear you. . .

 

Snypiuer: Because they have. . .

 

Mr Moog (cuts him off): BECAUSE THEY HAVE TALKING DOGS THERE!

 

Pith (to the dog): Hey! What are you!?

 

Dog (as if he's noticed the squirrels for the first time); SQUIRREL! (Freezes in place staring at Pith and Sil)

 

Pith: Yeah. It's not like we've gone anywhere. Yet, you're continually AMAZED to see us.

 

Sil (pulling her sword from it's sheath): Do that 'Squirrel' thing again. . . please.

 

Pith (As the dog tries to hide between Snypiuer and the door - ALMOST causing Snypiuer to lose his battle to keep it closed): What, EXACTLY, are you?

 

Dog: I am a dog! And you are a squirrel! (He is about to do the 'Squirrel!' thing again, but a quick look at Sil stops him) You are the TALLEST squirrel I have ever seen! And he (looking at Mr Moog) is the FATTEST! And you (to Sil) are the MEANEST squirrel I have ever seen! It was NOT nice of you to hit me with your pointy, metal stick, not nice at ALL! You are not a nice squirrel, not a nice squirrel at ALL!

 

Sil: You tried to eat me.

 

Dog: I. . .

 

Mr Moog: You could have MADE your own talking dog! Heck, you made us! We were just three happy squirrels that kept surviving every STUPID suicide mission you sent us on, 'till you 'evolved' us!

 

Snypiuer: I told you, it's NOT the same! When you 'evolve' an animal, it changes them. They're no longer the same as what they were. They lose their 'essence'.

 

Mr Moog: Yeah, we KNOW! But this, THING (walks over to the dog right as Sil finishes saying, "You tried to eat me." and grabs him by the collar to drag him in front of Snypiuer), isn't even a TALKING DOG! I don't even think it's a dog! It's a collar! Technology! You could have got that 'Professor' to make one!

 

Snypiuer: He's mad at me.

 

Mr Moog: Really!? Who would have thought causing someones' entire universe to fall into a catastrophic, entropic implosion would make them MAD AT YOU!? (A story for another time)

 

Snypiuer: Look, there's a LOT of nuances involved here. Suffice it to say, if I wanted a talking dog, this was my ONLY OPTION!

 

Mr Moog: FINE! Then why don't you just go into Demi-God mode and FIX THIS!?

 

Pith (to Sil): 20 geld he comes up with some stupid reason why he can't and WE have to suffer for it.

 

Sil: Do I look stupid enough to take that bet?

 

Snypiuer (with an air of superiority): There are rules and procedures, FAR beyond the ability of mere mortals to understand, at play here.

 

Mr Moog: What do the rules say about ripping holes in reality, let alone BETWEEN realities, in the first place!?

 

Snypiuer: There are loopholes. . .

 

Pith (to Sil): 50 geld there's no loophole to HELP us.

 

Sil (not even looking at him): Insult my intelligence again, and you'll get an up close and personal tour of that dogs' intestinal tract by way of the exit.

 

Mr Moog: Well, FIND a loophole for this!

 

Snypiuer: Look, this CLEARLY falls under the Romero rule. You'd have a better shot of getting around the Asimov Laws!

 

Mr Moog: What does that mean!?

 

Snypiuer: Gotta PHYSICALLY destroy their brain to kill them, magic does NOT work.

 

Mr Moog: What!?

 

Snypiuer: Look, you got a problem with it, YOU go up against a studio lawyer!

 

Pith/Sil/Mr Moog: WAIT! You mean? Hollyw. . .

 

Snypiuer: Yeah!

 

Pith/Sil/Mr Moog: We are sca REW ded!

 

Snypiuer: Umm, guys? I REALLY think it's time to run!

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Several Pennites are startled as Snypiuer and his companions come barreling out of a building (a building everyone believed was abandoned) yelling, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! VIRULENT RAGE ZOMBIES ON THE LOOSE!!!" AS they, LITERALLY, run for their lives!

 

Those who know Snypiuer. . . RUN!!!

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Day 3

 

Location: Undisclosed (for the dignity of, MOST, of those within)

 

Snypiuer and his companions are holed up in a barricaded room.

 

Mr Moog: A PORN SHOP!? (O.K., it's no longer 'Undisclosed')

 

Snypiuer: Hey! I was running! I saw a door and took it! You didn't HAVE to follow me!

 

Pith (To Mr Moog): He's got you there.

 

Sil: Yeah. We COULD have stayed outside.

 

Mr Moog (Sarcastically): With the zombies?

 

Sil: Never said it was a GOOD option.

 

Mr Moog (To Snypiuer): What are we going to eat? Or drink? There's so many of them out there, WHATEVER it is about them that makes them immune to magic has affected ALL magic. We can't even get the most basic spells to work!

 

Pith: I was wondering something. WHY did magic work to get us there, WHILE we were there AND to get us back?

 

Mr Moog/Sil (Both look at each other with a look of realization and turn to Snypiuer): YEAH!

 

Snypiuer (Condescending and dismissive): I told you, nuances. . . rules. . . PROCEDURES! Beyond mere mortals comprehension.

 

Mr Moog: Give it a try.

 

Snypiuer: Look. It has to do with: Licensing. Copyrights. Distribution rights. Creative and intellectual property laws. Trademark infringement. There is a MULTITUDE of forces at work here!

 

Sil (Hanging her head): Oh. . . CRAP!

 

Pith (To Sil): No. Wait for it! Moog's about to figure it out!

 

Mr Moog stares blankly at Snypiuer, a look of horror on his face.

 

Mr Moog (Quietly): This is about. . . money. . . isn't it!?

 

Pith: BINGO!

 

Sil: We've got a WINNER!

 

Pith: Good ol' Moog. . . he's a bit slow on the uptake now and again. . .

 

Sil: But when the legendary. . . NAY! No less than Mythical Turtle of Realization comes a callin.

 

Pith: He gets the dumb smacked right out of him!

 

Snypiuer: Why, what ever do you mean?

 

Mr Moog: MONEY! This has all happened because YOU didn't want to pay SOMETHING!

 

Snypiuer (After a brief stare down): You have any idea how much licensing fees are? NOT to mention the fees you gotta pay some lawyer!? CROOKS! They're all crooks and THIEVES, I tell you!

 

Mr Moog: We're going to DIE you imbecilic TIGHTWAD!

 

Snypiuer (With a dismissive snort): I'M not gonna die!

 

Pith: Not on my menu.

 

Sil: Imma planning not to.

 

Mr Moog (To all of them): Oh REALLY? What ARE you going to do? We CAN'T use magic. The alley is FULL of zombies. We're STUCK in a back room of a PORN store with NOTHING to eat OR drink and the front of the store is FILLED WITH ZOMBIE PERVS!

 

Sil (Nonchalantly): Yeah, but most of the PERV zombies are stumbling around with their pants around their ankles.

 

Pith: Not REALLY a plus, but makes them easier to kill.

 

Snypiuer: And there's GOTTA be some edible underwear and organic lubricants of some sort we can eat and drink 'till things quiet down.

 

Snypiuers' three companions stare at him for a looong moment. . . and he stares back with a COMPLETELY blank look.

 

Sil (Pulling out her sword): I'm gonna kill him.

 

Pith (Restraining her): Now Sil, you've kept it together this long and, sadly, you HAVE to admit this isn't the worse, or even the STUPIDEST, mess he's gotten us into.

 

Snypiuer is GENUINELY taken aback.

 

Sil; Please!? How's about I just hurt him REALLL bad like!?

 

Pith: No.

 

Sil (Sheathing her sword): He better watch his back! I'm just SAYING!

 

Mr Moog: You don't have to worry, when everyone, well, everyone who SURVIVES finds out WHO is to blame, he'll get his!

 

Snypiuer (With a self-satisfied air): No problemo, my tiny little friends! I've got THAT covered!

 

Mr Moog: Really?

 

Snypiuer: Yup, gots' me an in at the News station with standing orders to cover me in case of any emergency befalling the Keep! I'm good to go!

 

Sil: Please let me kill him!

 

Pith: No.

 

Mr Moog: Oh, and what about EVERYONE else in the Keep!?

 

Snypiuer (With an innocent, contemplative look): Yeah. . . I wonder what's going on with them!?

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The sound of metal on metal rang through the depths of the Keep, a steady rhythm of hammer and anvil.

Focused intently on his work, Sir Ordolar did not notice the much fainter sounds of scrabbling at the room's door. Banded with iron, closely fitted to the stone walls with solid hinges, it was a door which would have held out an army... if it had been locked and barred. Against a foe with no concept of door handles, it could withstand a great deal of punishment.

 

Time passed, and the pounding ceased. Still, Ordolar was preoccupied, and did not notice the scrape of zombie hands on wood and iron. Passing into a deeper chamber, he ate and slept.

 

Now three days have passed like this, and the door still holds strong. The routine cannot last long, though, for Ordolar will need more supplies soon, and has nearly completed his latest project in any case.

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Day 7

 

Location: Inside an adult 'novelty' and video store.

 

After surviving days 4 and 5 on edible underwear, flavored 'massage' oils and a case of Red Bull found in the storage room they were barricaded in, Snypiuer and his group spent day 6: killing, clearing and securing the rest of the store.

 

After finding an UNBELIEVABLY vast horde of wet wipes and hand sanitizer, a freshly cleansed group finds themselves, on the 7th day, attempting to come up with a plan.

 

Snypiuer: THAT. . . is a lot of wet wipes and hand sanitizer!

 

Pith: There's so much left, that if we had enough to eat and drink, we'd NEVER again have to take a conventional bath as long as we lived!

 

Mr Moog: I wonder WHY there's so much!?

 

Sil: I do NOT want to know!

 

Snypiuer: Right. . . SO, we have 2 vending machines, from out front, blocking the doors. There's our food and drink for a while. What now?

 

Mr Moog: What now? What NOW!? For the LOVE of Sweet Petunia!

 

All of them (including Snypiuer - finally) remove their hats, place them over their hearts and bow their heads solemnly ** It is a mystery as to WHO Sweet Petunia is and even less is known as to WHY this group reveres her so. Suffice it to say, "Woe unto those who do NOT show the proper respect when she is mentioned within earshot of any of them." **

 

Mr Moog: NOW you want our advice! O.K., O.K., here's some advice: Don't go to a planet overrun by VIRULENT RAGE ZOMBIES! Or, or, how about this: If you ARE stupid enough to go to a planet overrun by virulent rage zombies, PAY WHATEVER FEES YOU HAVE TO SO THAT YOU DON'T GET EVERYONE STUCK IN A BAD B-MOVIE HORROR FLICK!!!

 

Snypiuer: I have the feeling. . . somethings bothering you.

 

Mr Moog: Sil. . .

 

Pith (Putting his hand on hers to keep her from pulling out her sword): No. Let's see if there is any news on.

 

He turns on the news to find a picture of a deer playing with butterflies accompanied by a Muzak version of 'The Girl from Ipanema'.

 

Sil (To herself, under her breath and bouncing her head side to side): Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Aaah!"

 

Everyone stares at her in shocked silence.

 

Sil (noticing them): WHAT!?

 

Snypiuer/Pith/Mr Moog (Talking over each other): Huh!? What!? Nothing! I was! He! Ughhh! Nice! With the! Look! . . . and THAT'S how I got a rash!

 

Awkward silence - accompanied by panting.

 

Pith (Noticing the panting): Oh yeah! Hey you, what's your name?

 

Dog (Tongue hanging out, blank, stupid look on his face as he looks from one to the other): pant, pant, pant

 

Pith: Dog! What's your name!?

 

Dog: I am dog!

 

Pith: Yes, but, what is your name!?

 

Dog: I am dog!

 

Pith: O.K., are there other dogs where you're from?

 

Dog: Yes! There are lots of dogs!

 

Pith: And what are their names?

 

Dog: There is dog and dog and dog and dog and dog and. . .

 

Pith: O.K., I get it. One question. . . dog. WHY talking dogs?

 

Dog: It was Masters' idea! Zombies do not bother dogs! They ignore dogs and dogs can NOT become zombies! So Master gave us collars to talk! We talk and zombies think there is a human and follow our voice! We lead them away so humans can be safe!

 

Sil: Wait a minute. . . are you telling us. . . you could have lead them away and we wouldn't have had to RISK OUR LIVES KILLING THEM!?

 

Dog (Tongue out, stupid look): Yes!

 

Sil (Pith restraining her): Then why DIDN'T YOU!?

 

Dog: Because Master didn't tell me to! And we only do what Master tells us! Right Master!

 

He says this and turns and looks directly at Snypiuer. Sil, Pith and Mr Moog glare at Snypiuer.

 

Snypiuer (Nervously backing away): Ha ha! Funny story. . .

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