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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword
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Patrick

A muse tickles

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Simple,

clear,

concise.

 

Nothing left to take away.

You, my old friend,

should be musetickled more often.

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(hah! a poem with a title!)

 

Inspiration

 

like a single thought

lifted on a fickle breeze

a spark gives newfound life to a soaring flame

but without wood to burn

 

it silently

sputters

 

out

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Away

 

the faint drizzle of rain

as your blood drains - drains away

 

thunder is near

pounding in your ears - pounding away

 

prospects are slim

as your vision dims -going away

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Oooh.

 

Patrick writes poetry.

 

And it's good.

 

I really like this last one. Well, it's pretty grim imagery (not necessarily a bad thing, true), but I love the sounds of the words!

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The Writer

 

jumbled thoughts

jotted down

fragments of a perfect vision

 

shaking hands

unfaithful transcribers

of something perfect

 

second hand retelling

of a vivid imagination

 

unfaithful story

 

imperfect

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Really convey so much with the terse structure. The line breaks and format give visual impact to the words. Can't believe I haven't seen this thread before.

Do keep writing!

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Just a short part of a poem that came to me while at work, which I wanted to get written down before it was forgotten. There is a character (of an unwritten story) associated with it, but nothing much else to go with it yet...

 

The thrill of the kill

That familiar chill

Down your spine

 

Edit: Hmmmm and an alternative, not sure which one is stronger:

 

The thrill of the kill

That sends a chill

Down your spine

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Depends on what your after. The first one seems like a man/woman speaking of that feeling that you get you you kill somethin; more familiar type of kill. While the other sound like he/she is saying how the kill sends a chill down your spine; a type of kill. Hopefully that makes sense and helps some.

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Always fun stuff, Patrick :)

 

I prefer "that familiar chill"--it's less choppy and has that extra hint of a more interesting character behind the words...

Edited by Azuran

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Good bare bones style. But, I believe you could take the efficiently impulse a step or two further. Like so:

 

Beauty (could make Title)

 

silence

a light breath

 

darkness

a lone flame

 

a thought defiant

 

*** hmm, or how 'bout this. ***

 

A Thought Defiant (make title)

 

silence

a light breath

 

darkness

a lone flame

 

beauty

Edited by reverie

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Original

 

Inspiration

 

like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze

a spark gives newfound life to a soaring flame

but without wood to burn it silently sputters out

 

My suggest / edits:

 

Inspiration

 

like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze,

a spark gives life to a soaring flame,

but without wood to burn, it silently sputters

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Titles are tools, play with them. I am say embrace this minimalist style. You have knack for it.

 

Original

 

thunder again

the sound rolls by

lightning strikes

far in the eastern sky

-smells of rain

 

 

My suggest / edits

 

Eastern Skies

 

thunder again

lightning strike

-smells of rain

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Original

 

Away

 

the faint drizzle of rain

as your blood drains

- drains away

 

thunder is near

pounding in your ears

- pounding away

 

prospects are slim

as your vision dims

-going away

 

* * *

 

my suggest / edits

 

 

Away

 

the faint drizzle

as blood drains

and drains (doesn't really make sense, but instinct says it will pay)

and drains

 

thunder is near, pounding,

pounding in your ears

 

prospects slim

as your vision

dims, going away

Edited by reverie

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Hmm, this almost riddle, let's make it even more almost one using that goldie, but oldie, "make the last line refer back to the title." It begs for completion, like an incomplete perfect authentic cadence in music, people automatically want to complete it in their head. Add in something unexpected and unknown, and you create pleasure as brain tries to wrap it's head around this novel thing you put before it. So saith the NPR.

 

cheers,

 

rev...

 

Original

 

She's a bit fickle

And doesn't tickle

Very often

 

my suggests / edits

 

Often (title)

 

She's a bit fickle

And doesn't tickle

Edited by reverie

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Original

 

to amuse a muse

one must digress

into extra-curricular

randomness.

 

* * *

 

Perfect, don't change a thing, except maybe you could lose the period, maybe; I don't know, I'm not convinced. :)

 

cheers,

 

rev...

Edited by reverie

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The Writer

 

jumbled thoughts

jotted down

fragments of a perfect vision (try nixing the "a", and add "perfected vison"; shifts it a little, huh?)

 

shaking hands

unfaithful transcribers scribes (efficiency is your strength, embrace it young Hemingway)

of something perfect (no need to lay it on too thick for people)

 

a second hand retelling (phrasing, it's all about phrasing)

of a vivid imagination (works as is, but hmmm, if you want to stretch a little, try "of a vivid imagined" / "of a vivid imagined thing" breaking the rules is half the fun)

 

a unfaithful story (works as is, but my edits make it yearn for an article here, yours may do otherwise)

 

imperfect

Edited by reverie

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Hmm, as you say, 'tis a fragment, it will be interesting to see if you do more with it. But, have you considered this. Am not saying do it, but having fun with structure while brainstorming is well...fun. :)

 

 

Original

 

The thrill of the kill

That familiar chill

Down your spine

 

* * *

 

Lala

 

The thrill of the kill

that familiar

down your spine

chill

 

even more fun:

 

The trill of the kill (that will mess with them. Heck, that's fodder for a whole poem there)

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