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Luna Silverthorne

Siren's Song (Working title)

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The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks brought a smile to Annalisa’s lips as she sat deathly still on the outcropping of rocks. The sunrise was coming and she knew her time was coming to an end for the night. Slowly she let the song fade away, leaving behind a sense of calm and peace on the air. A breeze floated across her bare skin leaving a trail of gooseflesh behind. She looked out at the rising sun and took a deep breath; her job was done for the day. Now came time to sleep, her head dropped slightly as she thought about the dreams that came with sleep. If only she could stop them. There were so many times that she wondered if only in her life.

 

As the sun slipped above the horizon Annalisa slipped silently from the outcropping of rocks and up to the beach. She knew within a few moments people would start to gather on the still cool sand as they did every morning. She had to be gone before that happened. Her feet carried her quickly along the water’s edge, always on the still damp sand to the edge of a cliff face. Annalisa could hear people on the wooden steps leading down from the high dollar homes above the cliff as she slipped through what looked to be no more than a crack in the cliff wall. She walked a few feet into the cave before it opened in to a large chamber. “Father I am home.” She called stiffly.

 

“You are nearly late child. Did all go well?” a heavy voice came from the back of the cave.

 

Annalisa lifted her head on a silent sigh as she walked on into the large room. “Everything went fine. Everyone is safe for the night. People are starting to gather on the sand early this morning.” She made her way slowly across the perfectly flat stone floor toward where she knew her father to be waiting. She hated dealing with the man, but for a few more months there was no way around it. Mid-summer was only two months away. That would be the night she was released to live her life on her own. “I had to be careful coming home so that no one would find us.” She explained quickly hoping that he would be in a kind mood and not punish her for coming too close to being late.

 

“It is wise that you do not want them to see you. Your job is not to be seen, but to keep those who sail safe on the waters. It has been the job of every daughter.” He told her, his voice held a note of barely restrained anger. “You will do your job until you come of age and your sister takes your place.”

 

She stepped into the shadows near where her father always sat. She hadn’t seen him in the light of day since she was a tiny child. Annalisa shivered for a moment as she stopped in the archway that leads to his chamber. “Mid-Summer, that is the day I come of age and the day Evelry takes my place correct father?”

 

His laugh held no humor, “Yes, as of Mid-summer you will be free of the duty you hate so much. I will never understand how a daughter of mine could hate the job she was born to as much as you do.” His voice was hard as always and lacking in any emotion even remotely resembling love.

 

She lost the tight control she had over her temper at that moment, “Simple father. I hate having to hide from the people I save. I spend every night singing them to safety, but you always demand that I am home without anyone seeing me.” She snapped unknowingly taking a step forward into the room. A mage light snapped on as she entered, making her gasp in the blinding light.

 

“Dam it child!” came the sharp retort from her father. “I’ve told you to never step foot in this room unless you are invited.

 

She could hear shuffling, and tried to see through the light as something moved on the far side of the room. “I am sorry father, my anger got the better of me.” She stepped back, the light flashing off as she left the room. “Though I do not know why I am not allowed in there. I am your daughter, though I have not been allowed to see your father since I was but a tiny child… to young to even remember what you look like now.” She told him staring off into the darkness of the room before her with eyes that were still tender from the blast of light.

 

“There is no reason for you to see me. I am your father, you are simply my child. Children are not in control of their parents.” His words came from the dark and grated across her nerves. She couldn’t wait until she was free of this.

 

He seemed to read her mind, “But what shall you do when you are free of me? Do you know anything that will make it so you do not have to depend on me? Are you any smarter than the others?” he asked the questions that had been haunting her for years.

 

She held her thoughts blank as she answered him, there was no need for him to know that she had been breaking his rules for years as he slept in the depths of caves.

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I can NOT stress with enough conviction, Snypiuer is NOT a good critic.

 

Unless there are really, REALLY obvious problems with grammar and structure, I tend to miss them (I have the habit of mentally 'fixing' small errors as I read and therefor simply don't 'see' them - maybe that's why my own work is such a mess?)

 

Anyways, this is what I'll do you for.

 

If I were at a book store, just browsing with no set author or book in mind, and this was on the back cover of a book that caught my eye - I'm not sure I would buy it.

 

I would have to flip through and read a few random pages to see if it caught my interest. It has some potential, which is why I WOULD flip through it instead of just putting it back and moving on.

 

Sorry I can't give you more, like I said, I'm not a good critic.

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This looks like it'll be an interesting piece, JT. :-) I like the concept of the siren not truly understanding her role in the scheme of things under her father's deception, and am curious to see how she'll react once she discovers what her father really is. I'm also interested in seeing if the freedom that the father's offering her is really real, and how Evelry fits into the picture.

 

One thing that you might consider in revisions is offering a different way for Annalisa to remain ignorant of her father's appearance, as him hiding in a darkened room would surely fail at some point when Annalisa's curiousity got the better of her. Perhaps Annalisa could be born blind, and simply take her father's voice for granted in her blindness, even if he never touches her? Also, on a more technical side note: in the fourth from the last paragraph, Annalisa says that she has not been allowed to see "your father" in what I assume is a comment directed at her father. Is that intended as a "you" rather than a "your," or is she really referring to her father's father who she also can't see?

 

Thanks for sharing this here JTQuinton, always nice to hear from you. :-)

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Thus, with Wyvern's critique, you see how truly bad I am!

 

That said, I tend to agree with what he wrote.

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