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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword
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Aardvark

Take my hand

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Come, hapless reader, take my hand. We've a long journey ahead of us, a journey which starts here. So take my hand, let us be off then.

 

Ok, I tell a lie. The journey isn't very long. By the standards of history, what with migratory patterns of various species and tribes, the journey is rather short. Not even the single step that commenced the great journeys of the past, comparatively speaking. But there is a lot of walking involved, so take my hand.

 

I should warn you now, it could be a bit chilly where we're going. You might want to put on a jacket. Or a coat. An anorak will do, in a pinch. As long as you're wearing warm underwear, you should be fine. Maybe you should bring a change of clothes and a winter coat in your rucksack. You might want to bring a rucksack, too. Infact, you should. Go on, go get your rucksack. What do you mean, you don't have a rucksack? Everybody has a rucksack. Well, everybody except me. I'm sackless, but with good reason. I've never needed a rucksack for my overcoat. I'm immune to the cold. Well, incredibly tolerant. Fine, I just won't complain when I've icicles hanging from my extremities. Enough nitpicking, it's time to go. Take my hand, we're leaving.

 

Well I suppose a backpack or suitcase could do instead of a rucksack. Maybe you should go get one of those. I don't care which, just get one. No, I don't need one. We just went through this, alright. You get the backpack and pack it with warm things. Suitcase then! I don't care which, but I'm not going to help carry your things just because you couldn't find a vessel to store them in. Why would you... I just said it might be chilly and you're asking about swim wear? We're trekking through the bloody arctic, not going for a Caribbean cruise. Well no, not the actual arctic. I'm speaking comparatively. Like the great treks of history. Except this time we're talking about the great freezing treks of history. The ones that ended with deformed hands and cannibalism. No, I do not want you to pack the cruets. Hurry along, you're wasting time. Take my hand, it's time to move.

 

I wasn't planning on making any stops along the way. It was just a short journey I had in mind. I'm thinking for your wellbeing. If you don't think you need an overcoat, then don't bring one. Or a backpack. You don't have a rucksack, we just went through this. No, we're not stopping for rucksacks on the way. Forget about the rucksack. The rucksack conversation is over. I will not go into rucksacks again. Nor will I explain my strange aversion to rucksacks. I simply don't need one, that is all. Well I suppose we can stop for overcoat, if you don't have one. Don't you have anything else warm? Good! Grab that, then take my hand. Time's a wasting.

 

Don't worry about lunch, we can get something along the way. I don't know where, I'm sure we'll find somewhere. Yes, I've made this journey before, I'm sure we will pass at least one place of business that specialises in prepared food. You won't need to pack sandwiches. We don't have the time. Forget about the sandwiches. It will be too cold for picnic, so put the basket down. No, I won't be cold, I never am. I don't know what they will be selling, I can't remember. Probably sandwiches. Yes, but that takes time now. If we part with money later, we get good sandwiches and save time now. No, I don't mean to say your sandwiches aren't good. Your sandwiches are lovely. It's just... oh alright, you can make sandwiches. Then take my hand so we can set off.

 

You didn't need to bring the basket. You have a backpack. I'm sure your coat and sandwiches can co-exist in the same backpack. Your backpack has about a hundred compartments to keep them separated. If you don't trust them, get a plastic box. Yes, I'm sure the basket would hold them better, but then we have more to carry. If you have them in the backpack, we don't have to carry as much. No, don't make coffee. You know the thermos contains the stench of unholy decay from many years of unwashed obscurity. If you want coffee, we can get it later. No don't open the- ARRGH. Did you have to open that cursed thermos? No don't bother washing it out. Not even bleach and fire could purge that ghastly odour. Just put it back, we'll get coffee on the way. Now take my hand and let us leave this horrible place.

 

You look fine. There's nothing wrong with how you look. It isn't important anyway, nobody will be judging how you look. We're not going to a beauty contest. I just said there's nothing wrong with how you look. No, that doesn't mean I don't like it. It's just... fine! You know what! We're not going anymore. It doesn't matter now, you took too long. I can't even remember where I wanted to take you in the first place. Infact, you stay here. I'm going elsewhere. Away. Maybe to buy a rucksack. I don't know. Elsewhere. I'll send you a postcard. Bye.

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