Things I Have Learned

[Ozymandias]

• make eye contact
• shake hands firmly
• never look at porn
• do not hold a lit match upside-down
• never drink boiled beer
• do not keep your pet in your pocket
• exercise.
• read often.
• speak clearly.
• speak firmly.
• speak politely.
• hold doors open for women.
• when you feel like doing something silly, do it.
• never, EVER stop writing something if you want to. Only do so if you *have* to.
• drink cool water every day.
• if you can't do chocolate, try coffee.
• if you can't do coffee, try tea.
• if you can't do tea, try hot chocolate.
• don't lie.
• save money as early in life as possible.
• change your car's oil every three months or three thousand miles.
• never hit a woman.
• don't curse.
• ignore your hormones.
• listen to your heart when your head can't make up its mind.
• take naps.

[Sweetcherrie]

*giggles* I think these are some great rules to live by

 

I'll add two of my own

 

* sometimes you should simply ignore that little voice that tells you that things are going to go wrong, have a little faith, and it will work out

* everybody is interesting, sometimes you just have to take a second look to find what makes a person interesting

[Appy]

*don't think about doing it, do it

[Venefyxatu]

• make eye contact, even if you have something to hide
• shake hands firmly, but don't exaggerate. Some people have frail bones.
• never look at porn, for it comes with many viruses
• do not hold a lit match upside-down. Do not drop it, either.
• never drink boiled beer, it tastes bad enough as it is
• do not keep your pet in your pocket, especially if your pocket is smaller than your pet
• exercise, if you enjoy pain and suffering, for you will experience injuries
• read often, preferrably more than subtitles and cooking instructions
• speak clearly, it'll save you the effort of repeating yourself
• speak firmly, for the same reason.
• speak politely. Do other things politely, too.
• hold doors open for women. Or men. Or animals. The latter will make scratchmarks if you don't ...
• when you feel like doing something silly, do it. Optionally, exaggerate.
• never, EVER stop writing something if you want to. Only do so if you *have* to. Then make them drag you away kicking and screaming.
• drink cool water every day.And more than one sip! Don't think I didn't see that!
• if you can't do chocolate, try coffeeharder.
• if you can't do coffee, try tea consider yourself lucky.
• if you can't do tea, try hot chocolate. Or cold chocolate. Preferrably both.
• don't lie. No matter what reason you can come up with, not even to yourself.
• save money as early in life as possible. But make sure to enjoy at least some of it before the end of your life.
• change your car's oil every three months or three thousand miles. Or have a mechanic do it, if you have two left hands.
• never hit a woman. Don't hit anyone else, either.
• don't curse. In order to follow this : don't build scale models and stay away from computers.
• ignore your hormones. See if they ignore you back.
• listen to your heart when your head can't make up its mind. Or if you don't want to wait until your head is done with all that make-up.
• take naps. Or sleep late. Or both. But make sure to be awake at least a little bit every day.

* sometimes you should simply ignore that little voice that tells you that things are going to go wrong, have a little faith, and it will work out. While you're at it, also ignore the voice that tells you things like, "kill, kill, kill, murder, kill", the one that goes, "you're insignificant, worth nothing, ...", the one nagging at you to go do something more fun, the one nagging at you to go do something more useful, and generally all the other ones as well.

* everybody is interesting, sometimes you just have to take a second look to find what makes a person interesting. If you still can't see it, you probably need glasses. Or a white stick ...

 

*don't think about doing it, do it. Then, optionally, ponder why you shouldn't have done that. At least you won't regret not trying!

 

-- modifications generally to be taken with a bucket or two of salt

 

Some more serious ones :

• Smile, even if you feel down. Your brain will think you're happy because you're smiling, and you'll start feeling better.
• If someone is getting on your nerves, give them a wave and a friendly grin rather than the finger. If nothing else, it'll surprise the heck out of them. Works well in traffic, too.
• If you're late, don't hurry. You're late anyway.
• If you're going by car, don't speed - you're risking several lives, not just your own, in order to gain 5 minutes at most.
• There is a funny side to almost everything.
• Similarly, almost everything can be twisted into something it was never meant to be. Tee hee.

*needs to follow Appy's more often*

*decides to ignore the one about cursing. It relieves tension like nothing else, and often provides solutions*

 

Ozy, Sweet, Appy, no offense meant - I just couldn't resist the urge

[Appy]

Made me giggle more then once, and I forgot to give the advice you gave first yourself. Addage, if you look glum all day, you WILL feel that way too.

 

No kidding there either, it works! *grins widely, or at least has the corners of her mouth turned upwards*

[Regel]

Life teaches us a great deal of things.

If I could I would like to add some of mine:

 

*Murphy knew what he was talking about.

 

*A smile is free.

 

*It's cool to care.

 

*Life is fragile.

 

*Time does not heal all wounds.

 

*The true measure of wealth is in the love and respect you receive from family and friends.

 

*Humour is medicine for the soul.

 

*In youth we learn; in age we understand.

Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

[Elvina]

Ah, that gave me a good chuckle, especially Venefyxatu's take on things. Most of it was good advice, too.

[Peredhil]

Silvered pieces of glass lie - let your friend's eyes and words be your mirror.

 

It's not your pants that make your butt look big, it's your butt. When asking for reassurance, make sure you specify you want reassurance. When venting, please note that problem-solving isn't required. It puts everyone on the same communication model up front.

 

Maturity is meeting all responsibilities, and knowing for what you aren't responsible. With the rest of life, have fun, be silly, grow up to be young at heart. As C.S. Lewis said, "The only ones against Escapism are Jailors".

 

If you are responsible, you are accountable. Accountability cannot be passed or deferred, it will always come back in some way. Doing nothing or chosing to do things another person's way - you are still accountable. God, Karma, or whatever your paradigm, provides consequences on the cosmic scale.

[reverie]

Life will go on.

 

There is no substitute for life experience.

 

To have survived and suffered is to have gained a new perspective.

 

In the short term, it's easier to change someone's ideas via passionate appeal than logical argument.

 

Actions may speak louder than words, but words last longer and cause deeper hurt.

 

If you haven't questioned some aspect of your upbringing, then you are still an innocent.

 

Books can't love you back.

 

When backing up a car, always double check that no one or nothing is behind you.

 

If given the choice between the accelerator and the brake when caught off guard in an intersection: Brake first. Better to be hit, then to hit.

 

When in doubt: stall.

 

Never underestimate the power of inspiration.

 

Job interview = fresh shave and hair cut.

 

You can learn a lot by playing dumb.

 

You can get out of a lot awkward situations by playing dumb.

 

Playing dumb doesn't work on everyone. Especially if they know you.

 

Charm will only take you so far (though it's amazing how far that can be sometimes).

 

Your memory and ability to improvise will only take you so far. Eventually you're going to have to work.

 

Melatonin (often used as a sleep aid) should never be taken by those with a history of depression. The last thing a depressed person needs is a heighten desire to sleep more than they already do.

Edited October 7, 2006 by reverie

[Wyvern]

Wyvern's tail sways back and forth as he jots down a couple of notes in stick figure doodle form. He snickers over Venefyxatu's sage advice and proceeds to take the Belgian necromancer's cue, offering a few life advice modifications of his own...

 

• Smile, even if you feel down. Your brain will think you're happy because you're smiling, and you'll start feeling better. A few hours later, your brain will overload due to the conflict between mental and physical states, and you'll be forced to revert back to that frown. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to maintain a smile, regardless of the circumstances? Enter Almost Dragonic Brand Gargoyle Grin Mouthpieces™!
• If someone is getting on your nerves, give them a wave and a friendly grin rather than the finger. If nothing else, it'll surprise the heck out of them. Works well in traffic, too. Besides, if this fails to surprise them and they call you a "wuss," you can always flex your mob connections. There's no better way to give them the finger than through someone else's severed finger, after all.
• If you're late, don't hurry. You're late anyway. If you're early, don't hurry. If you're like me, you'll probably end up being late anyway.
• If you're going by car, don't speed - you're risking several lives, not just your own, in order to gain 5 minutes at most. That's why you should invest in a motorcycle instead. Speeding and daredevil stunts are practically a requirement on those babies, yeeeeeehaw! Almost Dragonic Brand Paper Mache Motorbike Helmets™, anyone?
• There is a funny side to almost everything. ("Things I Have Learned" threads being one of the rare exceptions).
• Similarly, almost everything can be twisted into something it was never meant to be. Tee hee. Almost Dragonic Brand Golf Teeing Heelballs™, 25 geld a whiz.

 

*Murphy knew what he was talking about. Especially in that film "Trading Places!" Ssstock market knowledge to the fullest.

 

*A smile is free. An almost dragonic smile could cost you.

 

*It's cool to care. But it's HOT to be loose!

 

*Life is fragile. The IRS deserves a five minute break.

 

*Time does not heal all wounds. However, it does determine the extent to which financially-based wounds can be cured via Almost Dragonic Brand Single-Digit Accounting™.

 

*The true measure of wealth is in the love and respect you receive from family and friends. Esssspecially the rich ones.

 

*Humour is medicine for the soul. "Word Association" is sour syrup for the gall bladder.

 

*In youth we learn; in age we understand. In other words, when we're young, we learn that we'll only actually understand stuff when we're older. And when we're old, we understand that we won't be able to learn anything anymore. Bummerrr...

 

Silvered pieces of glass lie - let your friend's eyes and words be your mirror. Just remember that silvered pieces of gold always speak the truth.

 

It's not your pants that make your butt look big, it's your butt. When asking for reassurance, make sure you specify you want reassurance. When venting, please note that problem-solving isn't required. It puts everyone on the same communication model up front. A model that'sss become lovingly known as the "big-butt-reassurance-venting-pant-problem-solver model" (BBRVPPSM for short). And don't forget Almost Dragonic Brand XXX-tra Tight Jeans™, perfect fer hidin' (or exposing?) 'dem hinies.

 

Maturity is meeting all responsibilities, and knowing for what you aren't responsible. With the rest of life, have fun, be silly, grow up to be young at heart. As C.S. Lewis said, "The only ones against Escapism are Jailors". Hence the importance of running your scams with a maturity that doesn't catch the attention of the justice system.

 

If you are responsible, you are accountable. Accountability cannot be passed or deferred, it will always come back in some way. Doing nothing or chosing to do things another person's way - you are still accountable. God, Karma, or whatever your paradigm, provides consequences on the cosmic scale. Fortunatly, should the cosmic deities end up needing an accountant, you'll have the necessary resume for the job.

 

Life will go on. Death will probably go on forever.

 

There is no substitute for life experience. Unless you count the Cliff's Notes version that the "Things I Have Learned" thread provides, of course.

 

To have survived and suffered is to have gained a new perspective. Particularly if the toxic ordeal you survived happened to involve the mutation of a third eye.

 

In the short term, it's easier to change someone's ideas via passionate appeal than logical argument. In the long term, it's probably better to turn back to those mob connections and send the person a severed finger.

 

Actions may speak louder than words, but words last longer and cause deeper hurt. Thus, alwaysss remember that a deathring match will be a less harmful way of settling a disagreement than an argument. Call 1-900000-ALMOSTDRAGONICBOOKING for more info.

 

If you haven't questioned some aspect of your upbringing, then you are still an innocent. If you're feeling guilty about some recent event, just stop quessstioning the way you were raised. Worksss every time.

 

Books can't love you back. Erotic fiction, however, can provide some forms of satisfaction.

 

When backing up a car, always double check that no one or nothing is behind you. If there is still nothing there, wait until a cute and innocent kitten has begun approaching before slamming on the gas pedal.

 

If given the choice between the accelerator and the brake when caught off guard in an intersection: Brake first. Better to be hit, then to hit. Unless your vehicle happens to be a motorcycle (yeeeeehaw!) or the object that you're about to hit is smaller than you and has no means of sssuing.

 

When in doubt: stall. When without doubt: procrastinate.

 

Never underestimate the power of inspiration. Feel free to overestimate inspiring moments of power, though.

 

Job interview = fresh shave and hair cut. (Job interview - starting rates)/[inflation x (lunch breaks + sick days)] = pay cut.

 

You can learn a lot by playing dumb. Nothing better than repeating a grade a couple of times to really nail the information in!

 

You can get out of a lot awkward situations by playing dumb. Then again, it's gonna be a little awkward when puberty hits and you're still in second grade.

 

Playing dumb doesn't work on everyone. Especially if they know you. Fortunatly, them grade school teachers never really bother.

 

Charm will only take you so far (though it's amazing how far that can be sometimes). There are certain enigmas that seem to surpass the laws of Charm, of courssse. See also: Orlan, Signe, etc.

 

Your memory and ability to improvise will only take you so far. Eventually you're going to have to work. Improvising spin-off products and selling them is therefore recommended.

 

Melatonin (often used as a sleep aid) should never be taken by those with a history of depression. The last thing a depressed person needs is a heighten desire to sleep more than they already do. The cure for such a situation is often the kiss of a Prince or Princess of Charming. See "Sleeping Beauty" for more details.

[Mira]

This is pretty much all I know...

 

• This whole life thing is going to hurt like hell. It wouldn't be worth it if it didn't.

[The Portrait of Zool]

Great thread!

[NickCall]

In light of all the fru-fruness of this thread, I have decided, unanimously with myself and me, that there should only be one piece of advice for people. And that is:

• When presented with advice, take it with a grain of salt. What works for one will not always work for another. Find your own way through life.

Ironically, my own advice is a contradiction of itself, and therefore is meaningless.

 

Carry on with your words of wisdom.

[Appy]

Well said Memento.. well said.

[reverie]

fair enough, but this isn't an advice thread, it's stuff we've figured out like for instance:

 

Books are expensive, even when free.

[Ayshela]

*treat people gently. your kind word may be the only one they hear this day, this week...

*when manners seem most pointless is when they're most needed.

*never speak of serious matters when angry or exhausted. If you don't regret it, chances are your audience will.

*just because someone feels strongly about something doesn't mean they're right. (yes, that includes me.)

*just because someone's wrong doesn't mean they're completely wrong.

*the only person i can count on to change something i'm dissatisfied with is me. if i don't like it, i'd better do something about it instead of waiting for someone else to.

*small contributions are no less deserving of recognition than large ones. i don't know how hard that small contribution was, or how easy the larger effort was. assuming it was the other way 'round is unfair to both.

*appreciation felt should be expressed.

 

 

 

and thank you, rev, for making a point i wanted to but was too tired to think how to. once again, you have the right words at the right time. =)

[Rune]

*never stick your foot in a slimy boot.

[Mardrax]

* Never stick you boot in slime

 

...and isn't memento's point as valid as something he has learned, than it is as a piece of advice, even though he brings it as advice rather than a personal lesson from life?

 

* Reading around lines is often just as effective, and just as needed, as reading between them

[DoctorEvil]

LOL.....of course the Doctor has loads of rules that the Doctor lives by, such as....

 

* Two small children can do twice the amount of property damage of anything else that an evil genius can think of

 

* Always be nice and polite to your enemies....it lulls them into a false sense of security

 

* Loot first, THEN burn & pillage........

 

* Take one day at a time....unless they all attack at once.

 

* To make sure you hit your target, shoot first then call whatever you hit your target

 

* When you walk in, always assume that you're the stupidest person in the room. That way you'll feel really good about yourself when you realize everyone else is REALLY mcuh dumber than you thought.

 

* When creating a Zombie army....never reanimate your mother-in-law.

 

* Never do something today that you can put off until tomorrow

 

* An enemy is anyone who tells the truth about you

 

* Start everyday with a smile....then get over it!

[Mardrax]

* Loot first, THEN burn & pillage........

actually, you shouldn't start pillaging 'til your guildmates have BBQed your target into near-oblivion and you have an outstanding counter you wish to last

 

*whistles innocently* old habits die hard

[Ozymandias]

/me tips his hat to all and sundry.

 

Kewl. I'm inspirational.

 

Seriously, my highest regards to all of you for taking nothing more than my mind wandering at work, and making it into something meaningful.

 

 

Here's a dollop more for my list:

• mother isn't always right.
• before you turn thirteen, always bring your money to the store.
• never get a checking account.
• hold out against getting a credit card until your mid twenties by any (legal) means necessary.
• after you turn thirteen, always bring just enough money to the store.
• it'll get worse.
• it'll get better.
• life will alternate from better to worse in no humanly discernible pattern.

P.S.-

 

Vene, I had focus very hard to keep from laughing and thereby waking up the people upstairs. No worries. :>)

[reverie]

If buying organic almond butter straight from the processor, it's better to set the control on "smooth" rather than "crunchy."

 

If you do accidently set the control on "crunchy," then you can soften it by microwaving it a bit at home.

[Ozymandias]

• always wash your hands twice after handling any pepper spicier than a jalapeno.
• never chew an entire pack of gum all at once.
• experiment in the kitchen.
• when experimenting in the kitchen, do so with cheap foods (unless you have the disposable income to dispose of any of the truly frightening creations you will devise with little or no regret).
• floss.
• brush your teeth.
• dust your playstation regularly.

[Whisky in Babylon]

I have some... not from me personally but a bunch of my friends moved to flordia recently... and I was told a few life lessons I'll be sure to keep in mind....

• Do NOT wash all your clothes in a bathtub, they will NOT dry for a very very long time.
• There is no Bottle Return in Flordia.
• If the toliet starts to over flow do NOT try to scoop up the water with mugs than not tell anyone what mugs you used.
• Trying to get booty from myspace girls does not always work... and is a dumb idea to start with.

Needless to say they really need a chick down there with them....

[Gwaihir]

Don't put it off--you never know what will happen.

If you're hurting talk.

Just because you've always been that way doesn't mean it's the way you are/have to be/were meant to be/should be.

Take care of your people--they have a way of vanishing.