Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Welcome to The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Register or login now and gain instant access to our features!

Sign in to follow this  
Tasslehoff

Watching Our Night Fade

Recommended Posts

Heres another extremely ruff piece.. I cant seem to pulls the words together.

 

Struggling to stay by your side all the way

Choices are made & rules are set

Each night I lay alone, I grow weaker under your dreams

No longer do I feel you standing by me

 

 

Fighting myself as I write these words

Another epic battle between us

Ill give you my world to take

As I let you use it to grow stronger & stand taller

For you... I give it all, just for you.

 

 

Amazing how much you mean to me these days

I hate seeing us this way, & you seeing me crumble

I try to give you my strength through the night

But I wonder whos hope fills your beating heart in the end

 

 

Short days we spend together

Bring on the long & lonely nights

 

 

I watch as you breathe in & out

Sleeping like an angel

Your glow puts to rest all doubts

And I clutch to you in hopes you'll be there when I wake

 

 

Only For Tonight Will I Feel This Way,

For Tomorrow You Will Be Gone.

Edited by Tasslehoff - AngelXIIX

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ah... to be twenty two and in love. Man can I feel this. It's been a while but I can't forget this feeling that your poem brings back. Struggling to make sense of the strange chemistry of attraction, love, infatuation, and feeling the onset of a break up.

The relationship on the brink and yet emotions on both sides are so strong. I agree the work is very rough but I would continue to work on this because I believe you have something to say. I want to give you something to help you focus and clarify your feelings here. Write this piece as a third party observer and see if that helps. Good luck friend.

Edited by Regel

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Take 2.

 

Struggling to stay strong by your side,

These choices & rules are set in stone,

I grow weaker under your dreams as Im set aside,

No longer do I feel you standing by me, Fighting this all alone.

 

As I write these words, I see another futile battle,

Yet, I can not control what my heart spills,

Ill give you my world to take,

As I let you use it to grow stronger & stand taller

For you, I'll give it all up even through the heart ache.

 

 

Amazing how much you mean to me these days,

I hate seeing us this way, & you seeing me crumble,

I try to give you my strength even when my heart strays,

I wonder who takes my place in your heart when I stumble.

 

 

Short days we spend together,

Bring on the long & lonely nights,

When will these clouds leave & leave us in fair weather,

So we can re-unite under the stars lights.

 

 

I watch as you breathe in & out

Laying there like an angel,

Your glow puts to rest all doubts,

And I clutch to you in hopes you'll be there when I wake

 

 

Only For Tonight Will I Feel This Way,

For Tomorrow You Will Be Gone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This strikes a chord. It brings to mind all of the doubts and feelings that someone in love experiences...sometimes daily! The first draft did seem a little rough to me, but the second take cleared that up quite a bit, and for me, added more emotion.

I think you should try writing from a third partys' pov, just to see if it can add anything to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand what third person would be, as in someone watching & telling what is happening between myself & said person in poem, but could one clarify on its benifits? I'm not understanding the possibilities I might find to better benefit the poem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From #thepen, just now:

 

(Tasslehof) Like when I was suggested to re-write my poem in 3rd person, I didnt understand nor did I understand how too.

(Tzimfemme) oh,just ask for an example then. . .

(Wyv) first person: "I" second person: "you" third person: "He"

(Tzimfemme) Speaking o' which, would a lesson thread on the various Persons work? 3rd person omniscient, 3rd person close, 1st person, etc?

(Tzimfemme) because a LOT of Assembly Room lately has suffered from too much 3rd omniscient and I could bang out ten feedbacks just linking back to that lesson :/

(Tasslehof) I understood that part, but from there I was lost..

(Wyv) it might, though there's certainly been a lot of threads about learning things as of late

(Tasslehof) It might Tzim, but understand I am a bit... behidn the curve in enlgish.. never liked the class or payed attention.. just passed. lol

(Tzimfemme) well, just to start, chop out ALL the "I" and replace with "he" or "she"....then look at what's left and what you should have is a clumsy 3rd person close perspective. . .

(Tzimfemme) and from there, retain the lines which still work and twiddle with the ones which sound stilted.

(Tzimfemme) I'm on "uncertain preservation" now,a nd since that's 1st person PLURAL ("we"), that one can't be changed that way.

* Tzimfemme dips out, in again

* Tzimfemme should read mythology more often, it makes her garrulous and idealistic and malcontent

(Tasslehof) so many big words. lol

(Tzimfemme) and I talk that way also

(Tzimfemme) scary, isn't it.

(Tasslehof) Such as in Watching Our Night Fade. Twice I was suggested 3rd Person, didnt quite understand & asked for help but it slipped back. Now, no big deal, but left me curious

(Tzimfemme) just found it coincedentally

(Wyv) yeah, I wish people realized that you can say what you like and don't like about a poem without any prior English knowledge or fancy terms... but the non-English oriented ones still seem to stick with "i like it"

(Tzimfemme) I think that shifting the poem to third person isn't going to be its final form--but it will point out what does and does not work more clearly, and maybe get rid of that nagging sense of cliche.

(Wyv) the subject's been brought before... maybe it's something we chose to sacrifice when we started giving lengthy feedback

(Wyv) brought up

(Tasslehof) What do you mean Wyv?

(Tzimfemme) Youc an get an "I like it" anywhere. Extended feedback is worth more.

(Tzimfemme) or in-depth feedback I should say.

(Tasslehof) Ah, understood.. An agreed

(Wyv) well, you can give extended feedback without firm grasps of English terminology is what I'm trying to say

(Tzimfemme) I'm going to cut and paste snatches from the poem and then try to snip out the first person and see if anything changes.

(Wyv) you can say something like "I liked how you used this word over here" or "I sort of didn't like the sound of this line"

(Tasslehof) I think one reason, my writing is so *chatoic* as you pointed out, is I normally write when Im in a chaotic part of my life. Why I barely write stuff that might be considered up lifting, & why I often disapear for long periods of time

(Tzimfemme) yes, but what can we do to make it better articulate what you feel?

(Tzimfemme) that is the question

(Wyv) people don't want to do that now because they probably think they'll come across as idiots when compared to others

(Tasslehof) Ha.. funny you say that.. I do often feel lost, or out of place due to that..

(Tzimfemme) "I watch as you breathe in & out

(Tzimfemme) Laying there like an angel,

(Tzimfemme) Your glow puts to rest all doubts,

(Tzimfemme) And I clutch to you in hopes you'll be there when I wake

(Tzimfemme) "

(Tasslehof) An idiot no, cause I imagine there is stuff I could rant about that you would know about

(Wyv) that's true that you want to help the poet/author in his direction, but between "I like it" and "I liked this image in it", I'd go with the latter

(Wyv) even if it does mean subjectifying it

(Tzimfemme) recast to "Watching as you breathe in & out/Your glow puts to rest all doubts/. . .clutching to you, hoping you'll be there. . ." Not all of that verse can be rewritten without first person AHA!

(Tzimfemme) It's the bane of us all, showing vs. telling!

(Tasslehof) interesting re-wording Tzim.. I like

(Tzimfemme) _that's_ what they were trying to say!

* Tzimfemme takes a breath

(Tzimfemme) well, besides the fact that I SKIPPED the second line entirely--my fault.

(Tasslehof) Well yea, but non the less. The rewording takes it more away from *I* and brings it more onto *her*, where the vision should be.

(Tzimfemme) the first three lines of that verse show us the lover asleep, the sweet look, with which we can sympathize. Then the fourth line comes in and tells it to us, and since we already saw (read) it, it clashes a bit.

* Tzimfemme nods

(Tzimfemme) (Btw, I'll clip this all and post it in a few minutes, under that poem's thread)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...