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Sweetcherrie

Schaduwen

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Schaduwen

 

Gister haalt me in

Opgeslokt en overgegeven

Aan de overpeinzing van lang vergeten dromen

 

Vandaag ben ik er

Overgenomen en ingehaald

Door dromen die de daadkracht missen om uit te komen

 

Morgen bestaat nog niet

Onwerkelijk en omgetoverd

Tot gevoelens waar men alleen op kan hopen

 

Verleden en heden

Ineengevlochten en samengevoegd

In een dagdroom die dichterbij is geslopen

 

Droom en werkelijkheid

Bijeengehouden en uiteengedreven

Door gister en vandaag die morgen zijn kracht afnemen

 

Tijd en gedachten

Doorweven en omgeven

Van de gevoelens die mijn hart claimen

 

 

Shadows

 

Yesterday catches up with me

Swallowed and handed over

To the thoughts of long forgotten dreams

 

Today I'm here

Overtaken and caught up with

By dreams that miss the power to come true

 

Tomorrow does not yet exist

Unreal and magically changed

Into feelings that one can only hope for

 

Past and present

Interwoven and combined

To a daydream that has crept closer

 

Dream and reality

Held together and scattered

By yesterday and today that take away tomorrow's force

 

Time and thoughts

Intwined and surrounded

By the feelings that claim my heart

 

 

OOC: The Dutch part and the English part of my brain seemed to be disconnected while I tried to translate this so I hope it makes sense.

Edited by Sweetcherrie

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I thought this was great - beautiful details and many vivid lines.

 

Yesterday catches up with me

Swallowed and handed over

To the thoughts of long forgotten dreams

 

This was my favourite section *wild applause* :)

 

Today I'm here

Overtaken and caught up with

By dreams that miss the power to come true

 

In this section I'd cut either 'by' or 'with' I'm guessing this is a typo, a revenant of editing.

 

Dream and reality

Held together and scattered

By yesterday and today that take away tomorrow's force

 

I find the bolded section of the last line less elegant than the others. The reading feels bumpier here.

Time and thoughts

Intwined and surrounded

By the feelings that claim my heart

 

Is intwined an archaic form, a neologism or a mistype of entwined? I kinda liked it in any case. ;)

 

Thanks for sharing this work, it was a very enjoyable read. (How I'd love an audio link to hear it in Dutch too... *poke* :P)

Edited by Cerulean

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~ this place reservated for a comment from Appy ~

 

sorry, no head yet, but I do have a comment about this ^_^

 

*goes out for a coffee first*

 

*comes back after some wake-up rituals*

 

Myum, coffee...

 

Anyways, comment-time ^_^

 

The start of this poem reminded me a whole lot of VanDikHout lyrics, very good :)

 

About what Cerulean said: No, both the with and the By are necessary, since the translation of 'ingehaald' IS 'caught up with'... and the translation of 'Door' HAS to be 'By'.. it makes sense in the original Dutch version, believe me ;)

 

Very nice poem, I haven't really gone into nit-picking detail, I just like the overall feel of it (yes I used to be a VanDikHout fan :P)

 

Thanks for sharing :) *hugs*

Edited by Appy

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*huggles the other VanDikHout fan ;) )

 

*also huggles Cerulean and Lady Celes*

 

Thank you all so much for commenting on this :)

 

Unfortunately I have no possibility to put this to audio, but I think it would sound good. As to what Appy said, it might even sound good as lyrics (and I did listen to Dutch music while writing, but this time it wasn't VanDikHout but Acda en de Munnik :) )

 

edit: oh, and I looked up intwined. Basicly the Dutch word "doorweven" means "woven into", and it gave me intwined as a translation, but since I also thought it was entwined I looked this up in an English dictionary and Intwined was the word I was looking for ;)

Edited by Sweetcherrie

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A somewhat late reply perhaps, but better late than never, as some would say :P

 

To start off, a really big compliment for this, as it deserves no less :)

A few bits of criticism though.

The line "door gister...afnemen" doesn't read well for me. I think it's a bit too long to stay with the rythm of the rest... or it might just be the "en" that bugs me :P probably the truth is somewhere in the middle.

And about the same problem with the first line... rythm and "en" :P the "gister" looks to me af the full "gisteren" would fit in better there. Might just be my silly mind though.

But apart from my little nitpicking... petje af :)

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