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Wild Roses

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~ After pondering a bit I figured that nothing is bad enough not to be posted.. even though it might be bad enough not to be read... my latest experiment I present "Wild Roses" ... tried drawing the picture in my head and remembered why I write instead of draw. Enjoy and rip it apart, please. And if anyone wonders.. it doesn't seem finished to me either :P ~

 

 

 

 

Wild roses on a bed of white

coldness enters;body into blight

 

Warm red petals on a bed of snow

hands twisted;boddily bloodflow

 

Dampening air above a bed of final

verification of ending life . . .

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Hmm...interesting, though the last staza seemed to throw me a little. I see what you're getting at (I think), but it just comes off a little awkward to me.

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it's freezing in the surroundings... picture the rest yourself ^_^

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Unearthing the long-buried poem, a rarity, since this one is noted as maybe being incomplete. If there's a later version, feel free to poke me towards it.

 

Loki was right in that the last stanza stood out, but for its polish, not for not fitting the rest of the poem. If the coldness in the first stanza was deepened into something more fatal, that may smooth it out, but I think the second and fourth lines just need to be polished a bit.

 

Wild roses on a bed of white

coldness enters; body into blight

 

The blight is perfect, not just for the rhyme; it also fulfills the foreshadowing. I try to assemble the line "coldness enters body" despite the half-stop semicolon telling me not to, as that's what I've seen before, and "body into blight" is unfamiliar. Perhaps changing "into" would better glue together the second half of the line and pull "body" away from the first half.

 

Warm red petals on a bed of snow

hands twisted;boddily bloodflow

 

"Hands twisted" is fine, but "bodily bloodflow" does not make sense in English, nor am I certain why blood leaks from a freezing corpse. (A dab of research says that extremely cold air can damage the inside of your nose, throat, or lungs--it's not very good research--and cause bleeding from the nose and mouth.) I think that if you took out "bodily" and filled in that space with the description of why or where the blood is flowing, the line would flow more easily.

 

Dampening air above a bed of final

verification of ending life . . .

 

Any cutting I would do to this stanza is a personal opinion, not necessary to the poem.

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Wild roses on a bed of white

coldness enters;body into blight

 

Warm splatters on a bed of snow

hands twisted;boddily bloodflow

 

Dampening air above a bed of final

verification of ending life...

 

 

 

 

 

~There,fixed it, I suddenly saw what was wrong. It was the repetition of roses/petals ^_^~

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There is a starkness to the imagery your poem created in it's rough form that I liked very much. I find constructing a poem for me works best when I have a fully form image in my mind or at the very least a fully understood emotional reaction. Your poem seems to have both. The location is vague, the colours assumed, the situation critically grave but the imagery cyrstal clear at least too me.

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